The engine droned. A lady across the aisle snored. He was like his mother. He shut down. Cut people off. He couldn’t open his heart to the woman he loved more than life.
He dared anyone to sit there with a sick little girl who was looking to you to make it all better. To listen to his mom get the crap beat out of her because another medical bill had come in, and they didn’t have the money to pay and be too young to get a job.
You have to make your own choices, Brett. How often had he heard his mother say those words?
She’d been so certain he’d make the right ones.
And how could she believe that? He’d made one wrong choice after another.
You aren’t your father, Brett, you’re your mother.
Ella’s words came back to him. Brett closed his eyes. Tried to sleep.
Rage is distorted anger. Usually resulting from internal shame. He’d read that someplace.
Rage triggered fight-or-flight tendencies. Which triggered chemicals in the brain to see everyone in sight as an enemy. To distort thought.
To lash out at everyone.
He knew all of this.
Knew it.
Your instinct
s are honed to prevent abuse. Ella had told him that when he’d saved Jeff from hitting Chloe.
You’re a great man, just one who’s chosen to live life on the sidelines. He could see Ella standing on the boat in the dark, looking so damned sexy in jeans and that big bulky sweater.
I’m scared, Brett.
Don’t worry, I’m here.
Livia had trusted him.
It’s not a matter of what I think of you, Brett. It’s a matter of what you think of you that’s always been the problem.
Ella had taken a chance on him. Married him. Loved him.
I’m scared, Brett.
You’ve taken thirteen years of my life. You can’t have any more.
And that was really it, wasn’t it?
He’d had his chances. And he’d blown them.
The overhead speaker crackled. The captain’s voice came on asking the flight attendants to prepare the cabin for arrival.
A good man was all he’d ever wanted to be.
He’d taken control of his life, of his behavior.
And now the only thing he could do, was being made to do, was return his seat back to its full upright position and hand over his first-class tray table.
* * *
ELLA CALLED LILA on her way home from work on Wednesday.