“Technically I wasn’t in prison for impregnating Shelley. I was doing time for statutory rape, and just because Shelley had been with someone else didn’t mean she hadn’t also been with me.”
“But obviously that was proved, as well.”
Matt shook his head. “Not really. Not completely. But because the first time around, Shelley had sworn that she hadn’t been with anyone else, my attorney was able to discredit her testimony enough to put doubt in the jurors’ minds. Because of that doubt, I was set free.”
“And since you weren’t conclusively cleared of guilt, you could no longer do your job in that district.”
“Or in the entire city, or probably in any other public-school system. Something like that marks a man.”
“In more ways than one.”
Matt frowned. “What do you mean?”
“It marked you publicly, but the marks it made inside you are even worse, aren’t they?”
He didn’t say anything, wasn’t at all comfortable with her insights. And yet… A couple of times now she’d been able to take his experiences and turn them around, reveal a whole new aspect, so they no longer resembled the burden he’d been carrying. She’d bought him some freedom. Still…
“I hold myself accountable for my actions,” he said stubbornly.
“And your actions show very clearly that you’re a good man who, out of youth and idealism, made a couple of calls that weren’t the best. But they’re calls you’ve never made again. There’ve been no repeat performances in all these years.”
He’d made damn sure there weren’t.
And maybe that was exactly what she was talking about. He was so used to seeing himself as the man who’d made those bad calls that maybe he’d been blind to the man he’d become. And yet, he remained accountable for those bad calls. Was still paying the price. Both metaphorically and literally.
“I think Shelley really believes we had sex that day.”
“Because she needs to, maybe.”
“What do you mean?”
“Think about it, Matt. If someone like you wanted her, she’d feel a whole lot better about herself than if it was just some scum on the street, some guy who’d sleep with a fourteen-year-old.”
He considered the idea. And released a heavy sigh as something else finally fell into place for him.
“You know,” he said, “all these years I’ve never been able to understand something that suddenly makes perfect sense.”
“What’s that?”
“When all this first started I asked Shelley why, if she cared about me so much, she’d do this to me, get me into so much trouble, when all I was trying to do was help her.
“She said because more than she needed me, she needed a father for her baby.”
“And whoever the other guy was, he wasn’t father material,” Phyllis added. “Even in prison, you were father material.”
And out of it, too, according to Shelley. But at least now he understood. The kid hadn’t turned her back on all he’d done for her. She’d just been desperate to take care of herself. It changed nothing; the facts were still the facts. And yet, in some way, e
verything had changed.
When Matt looked for the self-loathing that was as much a part of him as his heart and lungs, he couldn’t find it.
Phyllis leaned over, bringing her mouth slowly, tenderly, to his.
The woman was a miracle worker. A sorceress, just as he’d thought.
IT WAS THURSDAY after work.
He was going to be there any minute.