And all the while she worked, the vacant look in Marcus’s eyes as he’d sat frozen in their living room the day before haunted her. After more than ten years of loving him, she couldn’t begin to guess what he was going to do. She’d hurt him. In his eyes, she’d betrayed him. She’d hoped his finding out that they were finally going to have a baby would make up for the fact that she’d had herself inseminated without telling him. She’d thought it would make a difference to him once he understood that she’d taken another man’s seed out of her love for him. She’d been wrong. Dreadfully wrong.
And yet, she couldn’t regret the tiny life that was even now forming in her womb. Because she knew, in the depths of her soul, that this baby was a product of the love she and Marcus shared. That it was their baby, conceived in love.
She talked to Beth on the phone, assuring her friend that everything was fine. She couldn’t bring herself to admit that Marcus was gone. That she had no idea when or even if he’d be back. But she couldn’t keep up her pretense for long, so she told Beth she’d call her on Monday. Beth sounded delighted for Lisa and Marcus, eager to let her friend go, obviously believing that Lisa and Marcus wanted to be alone. And they were. Just not together.
Oliver called her early Saturday evening, just as she sat back down on the couch after looking out the window, watching for Marcus, for the hundredth time that day.
“Everything okay there?” he asked.
“No.” She’d eaten the filet herself, although she’d had to struggle to swallow every bite. “But it will be.” It had to be.
“Marcus came to see me yesterday, Lisa.”
“He did? When? What did he say?” Did her father know where Marcus was?
“That he’d bought a house in Chicago. That he was leaving you to find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true.”
Oh. Tears blurred Lisa’s eyes. “I’m already pregnant, Dad.”
The silence on the other end of the line was unnerving, but Lisa pushed on, anyway, telling her father about the artificial insemination and that she’d had the procedure without her husband’s consent.
“Don’t you think he had a right to know beforehand?” She hadn’t heard reprimand in her father’s voice since she’d been a teenager.
“Of course he did.” She held back her tears, afraid that once they started falling, they’d never stop. “I can’t believe what a mess I’ve made of everything. But I knew he was thinking about leaving. He’d convinced himself it was the honorable thing to do, to free me to have the life I always wanted. I tried to talk to him about artificial insemination before, several times. He wouldn’t even discuss it.” Suddenly all the frustration from her unsuccessful attempts to convince her husband of the truth, that he gave her the life she’d always wanted, came pouring out.
Her father listened to her silently.
“Marcus is a proud man, honey,” he said when she’d finally emptied herself of pent-up anguish. “A man used to providing whatever is needed. He’s having to take a whole new look at himself, at who and what he is—and what he isn’t. He’s doing what he thinks is best.”
“So you think he’s right to leave?” Lisa asked, incredulous.
“No, honey, I don’t. That man loves you to distraction, and I know how happy he makes you.”
“Happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Which is why I went to see Beth. I had to do something, and that seemed like the only answer left. This way Marcus wouldn’t feel as if he was cheating me out of anything, and he could still have the child he’s always wanted.”
“I take it he didn’t see it that way.”
“He didn’t really say how he saw it. He just got up and walked out.” She twisted the phone cord around her finger, watching her fingertip turn red.
“So what happened when he cooled down and came home?”
“He hasn’t come back yet.”
Lisa heard her father take a deep breath. “Lisa, are you certain Marcus wanted to have children, that he wasn’t just trying to have a family for your sake, to please you?”
“I’m positive.” She unraveled the cord from her finger. “Marcus talked about wanting children almost from the time I met him. He’s a Cartwright, Dad. He feels it’s his duty to have children. But it’s also something he wants very badly. He needs to fill this house with the laughter he never heard growing up here. Which is why I know he’ll be a wonderful father.”
“He doesn’t think so.”
Lisa sat up straight, suddenly cold. “What? Whatever gave you that idea?”
“He told me so himself yesterday. His sterility has left him feeling inadequate, maybe even a little insecure. And the way he’s compensating for that is to assume that perhaps he wouldn’t have been any good as a father. This way, by his not having children, he’s saving some poor kid from an unhappy childhood.”
“But that’s ludicrous!” She felt sick to her stomach, and it had nothing to do with morning sickness.
“Sterility can do strange things to a man, honey. Especially a man as proud as Marcus. In order t
o accept it, he needs to understand why this has happened, and the only conclusion he’s been able to reach thus far is that he isn’t father material.”