He pulled away from her caress. “Let me finish,” he said, then paused, as if composing himself.
She sat still, the silence agonizing while she waited for him to go on.
“We can’t keep skirting around each other, Lis. I don’t want hiding from each other to be our way of life.” He took his hand from hers.
“Neither do I. You don’t know how much I’ve missed sharing your thoughts.”
She needed to touch him, but wasn’t going to make the mistake twice. He was talking about bridging the silences between them, yet he’d never seemed farther away.
“I understand, you know. I know why you enlisted Beth’s help, and I’ve long since forgiven you for what you did, though I’m not even sure that it required forgiveness, that your going to Beth was in any way wrong. I just know I’m okay with it now. I want you to have your baby, Lisa. I want you to be happy.”
Tears pooled in Lisa’s eyes for the first time that day. There was more. She heard it coming. And she wasn’t ready for it. She didn’t want to know.
“But I cannot, and never will be, a fat
her to that child.”
No! Lisa sat silently beside him, holding back sobs with every ounce of strength she had left.
“I can’t have you expecting it of me, Lis, or hoping that someday I’ll change my mind. You’d only be setting yourself up for disappointment, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, or to your child.”
He sounded more like himself, in control again. And it was that more than anything that convinced Lisa he meant what he said.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asked.
“Not unless you want to. Our marriage can continue just as it always has.”
“You’re saying you want us to live together, all three of us, only one of us gets ignored by another one of us all his life?” She was incredulous.
Marcus was silent, staring straight ahead, obviously digesting her words. Surely he’d see how unfair that was, how deplorable to bring up a child that way. Surely he’d—
“I won’t ignore the child, Lisa, any more than I’d ignore anybody living in our household. I just can’t be a father to it. I can’t rejoice in the little things parents get happy about. I can’t take pride in the child’s accomplishments. They aren’t mine to take pride in.
“I went to your doctor’s appointment today because of you, because I want to know everything you’re going through, because I want to help keep you safe and healthy—not because of the baby.”
Lisa couldn’t stand it “You’re cheating yourself out of so much, Marcus. It’s like you’re punishing yourself for your sterility, denying yourself a joy you’ve wanted all your life. You could have listened to that heartbeat this morning. You would have felt the wonder. I know you would have, if you’d only given yourself a chance.”
Marcus stood up, walking over to stand with his back to the fireplace, to the portrait of his stern-faced father. Lisa was frightened by how much the two of them looked alike at that moment.
“I’ve discovered something these past few months, Lis. First, I was presumptuous enough to think I was doing what was best for you by making plans to move to Chicago. And then you had yourself inseminated, partially because you thought you knew better than I what was best for me. But the truth is, we were both doing each other a grave injustice, taking away each other’s basic rights to decide for ourselves. Only you know what’s best for you, honey, and if you think having your baby and having me, too, is your best shot at happiness, then I’m behind you one hundred percent. But I have to do what’s best for me, too, and that’s to accept that some things will never be. I can’t claim what isn’t mine. I can’t spend the rest of my life pretending. Not even for you.”
His gaze was filled with his love for her, and it broke her heart. “I want us to grow old together, Lis, just like we planned, but only if you can be happy without a father for your baby.”
Tears filled her eyes, but she blinked them away as she continued to hold his gaze, truly seeing inside him for the first time in months. Marcus was such a proud man, a man who stood by his convictions. She’d always loved those things about him. She’d never dreamed they might put an end to his dreams.
She ached for him, for his inability to allow himself the happiness that was his for the taking, for the insecurities that made it so hard for him to accept anything he didn’t provide for himself. And she ached for the child she was carrying, who might never have all the benefits of his father’s great wealth of love.
“I love you, Marcus, with all my heart. And if this is what you need, we’ll find a way to make it work,” she said, falling apart inside.
His eyes narrowed as he looked at her from across the room. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.” But she wasn’t. Not at all. Not for herself. Not for their baby. But most of all, not for the man she loved. Marcus was meant to be a father, he was a natural care giver with a heart bigger than the state of Connecticut. And she feared that he’d never be happy if he continued to deny himself this chance.
“YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW is returning your call on line six, Marcus.” Marge’s voice on his intercom interrupted Marcus’s reverie about his wife. In the week since he and Lisa had talked, he seemed to spend more time thinking about her than about the work at hand.
He pushed a button on the intercom. “Thanks, Marge,” he said. He picked up the phone. “Hello, Oliver.”
“Marcus? Is something wrong? Is Lisa all right? And the baby?”