Another Man's Child

Randal tapped Sara’s chart against his hand. “She’s still under four pounds, Lisa. I’d hoped to have her in an incubator by now, but she’s got to hit the fourpound mark first.”

Lisa nodded, biting the inside of her lip as she tried not to cry. “The breast milk isn?

?t helping?” she asked. All her determination to help her baby, all those hours of pumping, just weren’t enough.

“Oh, it’s helping,” Randal said. “It’s the infection that caused the weight loss. I suspect she’d have lost a lot more if not for your milk. Now’s not the time to be getting discouraged on me, Doctor. If she remains stable over the next twenty-four hours, I intend to try taking her off the ventilator again sometime before the weekend’s out.”

Worry clutched Lisa anew. If Sara didn’t make it the second time off the machine, chances were she never would. “Are you sure?” she asked. As much as she wanted the baby off the hateful machine, she wasn’t ready to risk a failure.

The brisk Dr. Cunningham’s eyes filled with compassion. “Sometimes we know too much for our own good, don’t we, Lisa.” He looked at the sleeping baby.

Lisa stood next to him, watching her silent little girl, and nodded.

SHE KEPT HERSELF busy for the rest of the morning, taking the few office calls she’d had. scheduled for well-child exams and inoculations, dictating charts, even rearranging a shelf of reference books in her office. Anything to keep her mind occupied and not on Sara. What if they took her off the machine and she didn’t make it? There’d be no going back a second time. At least not without certain damage to the baby’s vital organs.

By noon she couldn’t stand herself any longer. Her stomach was turning inside out, and every breath was more of a labor than it should have been as she pushed the air past the constriction in her chest. Her panic eventually grew to the point of dizziness, forcing her to do what she always did when her head was running away with her. She called Marcus.

“Hi, hon,” he said as soon as he heard her voice. “Is everything okay?”

“She’s lost a little weight, but Randal says it’s due to the infection and nothing to worry about.”

“But you’re worried, anyway.”

“He wants to take her off the ventilator again this weekend.”

“Lisa! That’s great, honey.” He sounded far happier than “merely for her” should entail.

“I’m scared, Marcus. If she doesn’t make it this time, chances are she won’t make it at all.”

“She’s outrun all her other odds, Lis.”

Lisa twirled the phone cord around her finger. “I know, but it’s dangerous to take her on and off life support. It damages all kinds of things—the respiratory system, the brain, the heart. Deafness is already a concern, and mental retardation, too.”

“And we could be struck by lightning the next time it rains.”

“I’m serious, Marcus. You have no idea how many very real dangers she’s facing. I’m not overreacting here.”

“I’m serious, too, Lis. I’m fully aware of the dangers, but you’re worrying about things you can’t control. Save your energy for handling whatever comes.”

“But what’ll I do if—”

“You’ll do whatever you have to do, Lis,” he interrupted her. “You always have.”

She felt better after she hung up the phone, though she’d been disappointed to hear that Marcus wouldn’t be able to make it for her afternoon hour with Sara. He had a meeting with George Blake.

And by the time her second hour that day with Sara was ending, her panic was back. Determined to fight it, to take what control she had left to her, she walked down to the kidney ward, hoping to find Oliver still there. With the exception of her visits to Sara, she hadn’t been at the hospital on Friday afternoons in years, since that was one of the days she volunteered at the free clinic downtown, and she wasn’t even sure what her father’s hours were anymore.

She was disappointed to hear that she’d just missed him, not more than ten minutes before. Thinking he might stop to see Sara again on his way out, she rushed back upstairs, only to find she’d missed him there, too.

“Damn!” she said, punching the elevator for the bottom floor. She couldn’t go home. Hannah was still only working part-time, though she’d offered to come full-time after the baby was home, and Marcus wouldn’t be out of his meeting with Blake yet. She knew better than to go home and sit by herself. The empty rooms would only torment her.

Cool April air filled Lisa’s lungs and the sunshine warmed her face as she walked across the compound to Beth’s office. Just being out of the sterile antisepticfilled air that permeated the hospital corridors helped. Hopefully Beth was done for the day and could go out for a drink or something. She could use a dose of Beth’s cheer. She missed her friend. Missed being an everyday part of Beth’s life. Something she hoped would change after she brought Sara home.

If she brought Sara home.

Wherever home was going to be.

Her stomach started to churn again, and Lisa picked up her pace, determined to outdistance her demons. The door to Beth’s office was closed, but her light was on, which meant Beth was still working—but not with a patient. Beth never closed her office door with a patient inside.