“Talk.” Ramsey’s one-word comments hit her where she could feel them. Or maybe it was the fact that he was in her thoughts constantly. And tangled in her emotions, too.
“I can’t connect with me.” She sounded asinine. Like the drama queen she’d tr
usted she’d never be. “I don’t know who I am, Ramsey. I mean, I’m a cop. I want to be a cop. I’m a good cop. I know I can do my job.” She had to make all of that very clear. There were no doubts in her mind when it came to her job.
And yet, last night, she’d done cop’s work without acting or feeling like a cop. Which made no sense.
“And I’m Sandy’s daughter. I’ve got that one down. Completely. I don’t doubt my ability to be a good daughter to her, to know what has to be done and to do it, no matter what.”
“Has anyone cast aspersions on your daughtering skills?”
“No. It’s not that.” She shook her head. Which made her neck hurt. “I just… I’ve been sitting here thinking.” Lucy chuckled. “I know that’s bad…?.” Because she hadn’t been thinking about a case. The given. The known.
“Soul searching.”
“Yeah. Lame, huh?”
“No. Uncomfortable, to be sure. And maybe or maybe not productive, but not lame. You had a traumatic experience last night, Lucy. It’s human to question everything about it.”
“Do I exist, Ramsey? As a person? Me? Lucy Hayes? Or have I become, or only ever been, Sandy’s daughter, and now Aurora’s cop? Where does the woman fit in?”
“You know I can’t answer that for you. But what I can tell you is that your questions, the seeking that you’re doing, is perfectly normal. It happens to most of us during or immediately following trauma. It’s also exacerbated by medication. You aren’t yourself today so nothing feels normal. Give yourself a few days, a good night’s rest. Wait until you’re back at work and back into your normal routine, and then ask the questions again. If you need to.”
“If I need to. You think they might just go away?”
“I’m saying you might already know the answers, but right now they aren’t feeling familiar to you because nothing is.”
“You think I’m being hormonal or something? Because I’m female and therefore unable to deal with trauma as well as a male cop would?”
She held her breath, trusting Ramsey to be truthful with her, although the fact that his answer mattered so much didn’t sit well with her, either.
“No, I’ve seen male cops in far worse shape than you’re in,” he said. “You’re acknowledging your doubts, facing them. Guys have a tendency to pretend they don’t exist so they just hang around and fester.”
Was he talking about himself? Her interest was piqued. And already she felt a tad better.
“You’re human, Hayes. And there’s nothing anyone can do about that.”
She laughed. “I’m okay with being human. That’s not new to me, I swear. I figured out the fallible part when I was about six months old.” She was talking nonsense. And it felt good. “I’m just not used to… I’ve just always felt comfortable with myself, you know?” she asked, her voice dropping as shame swept through her. She should be better than this. “Today, I don’t feel comfortable.”
“If I tell you something, do you swear to me that you won’t run scared?”
“I don’t run when I’m scared. I figured you knew that by now.”
“You’re right. I do. And the truth is, I’m not feeling all that comfortable in my own skin right now.” He didn’t sound like himself, either. “And it has nothing to do with the job.” “Maybe we’re both just overtired.”
“That’s what I’m thinking.”
“Okay, then let’s promise each other that we’re going to put the work aside long enough to get a good night’s sleep tonight and reconnect tomorrow.”
“Good plan. I concur.”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“You can count on it.”
The phone went dead and Lucy looked out at the water with a smile on her face.
R amsey had agreed to put work aside for one night, to get some rest. He intended to keep his word. But by one in the morning, when sleep still eluded him, he knew that he was going to have to come up with another plan. He got more rest when he worked on and off through the night than he was getting lying there in the dark with nothing to distract his mind.