“What happened to him?”
“I don’t know. He died. I was just a kid.”
“Were you there?”
“No.”
“Do you remember him?”
“Not much.” He wasn’t happy with me. Because of my constant pushing for talk, for more? Because I was unhappy?
Or because he was done with me?
“My brother is coming home this weekend,” Tara announced early in March. Sitting at the little phone table in the dining room on Maple Street, Tim listened to her with a growing feeling of dread. “He’s coming home to see his girlfriend and his friend from college is coming home with him. Mom said he couldn’t come home unless he could find someone to share the driving. It’s twelve hours each way, and they’re doing it in a weekend.”
“That’s cool.” She was talking faster than usual. And she was unusually chipper.
“Chum wants me to go bowling with him and his girlfriend and his friend from college on Friday night. He wants time alone with his girlfriend and can’t leave the friend with no one to talk to.”
“What?” He’d known something was up, but he hadn’t seen that coming. “He wants you to go out with another guy?”
“No! It’s not like that! He just wants me to go so the guy won’t be a third wheel.”
“No way, Tara,” he blurted. “I’m not letting you go out with another guy.”
“You can’t tell me what to do.”
“I can’t, can I? Just watch me. You aren’t going on a date with another guy.”
“You’re right! I’m not! That’s what I’m telling you. I’m doing my brother a favor. I don’t even know the guy. Don’t want to know the guy. I’m not going to be alone with him. I’m paying my own way.”
“Call it what you want, it’s a date.”
“You can call it a date if you want to, but you’re the only one who thinks so. I can’t let my brother down, Tim. He doesn’t ask me for much, and he really needs my help. It’s the only way he can come home. He hasn’t seen his girl since Christmas, and he thinks he wants to marry her. Besides, I really want to see Chum.”
He didn’t hear reason. Maybe he didn’t want to. All he knew was that he was losing Tara, and the idea panicked him.
At the same time, he didn’t want to be with a girl who didn’t want to be with him.
“Fine. If you’re going, then we’re not seeing each other at all this weekend. I won’t share you.”
“Well, that’s your choice.”
She’d called his bluff.
I couldn’t believe that Tim was being so obstinate. He knew Chum. And knew how much I adored my older brother. He knew that I’d walk through fire for Chum. And that I missed him a lot.
I’d walk through fire for Tim, too. I’d been sitting in it with him for months now. Most particularly those six weeks that I was afraid I was pregnant. But maybe he didn’t want me walking through fire with him. Maybe he just wanted to make fire with me, burn us both up, and then move on.
I didn’t hear from Tim at all on Friday night. I went bowling. I didn’t do well. And I didn’t care. I talked with my brother’s friend. I got to spend a little time with my brother. His girlfriend didn’t say a word all night—at least not to me.
And I went home. Chum left to take his girl to her house, and because my parents were already in bed, I brought his friend in to the family room, to sit with him until Chum got back and then the two guys were going to play pool or something.
I talked about Tim. About how much I loved him, and about how little of his inner feelings he shared with me.
The guy was nice. He listened. He told me that if Tim loved me, I deserved to have him say so. He warned me about guys who just wanted one thing from a girl. He said most guys just used girls. And that I had to be careful.
And then he leaned over to kiss me. His lips touched mine and I pulled back, my chest burning with guilt. I hadn’t done anything but pull back and still I felt as though I’d betrayed my deepest heart.