Us At First (Carolina Rebels 2.50)

“You would’ve freaked the hell out!” he shouts back at me. “Just like you are now. I’d bet all the money in my bank account that this is more of a problem because I’m here than because I lied. Don’t you love me, Sydney? Don’t you want to see how much better we’d be together if we were to take things further? Why is a relationship with me so terrible?” he finishes as he closes the distance between us, grabbing my hips.

“What’s so terrible about what we have now?”

“Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a relationship? A boyfriend? Someone to love you?” I squeeze my eyes closed as if that could keep his words from getting to me. “Babe, what are you so scared of? Come on. Tell me. Let’s get it all out right now.”

I stay quiet, not wanting to confront my fears. Ian pulls me against his chest, wrapping those strong arms around me. “I’m sorry I kept something like that from you. I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t want to lose you, so I’ve been cautious. I want you, Sydney, in every way possible. Please, explain to me why you don’t want the same thing.”

I knew if he touched me, I would lose my resolve. It crumbles so easily, it’s as if it was barely holding itself together to start with. “I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.

Ian rests his hands on either side of my neck, placing his thumbs on my jaw to tilt my head back. “Being in a relationship with me is the opposite of losing me, gorgeous.”

“You don’t get it.” I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me.

“Then make me get it.”

“I’m supposed to be mad at you.” Maybe I can change the subject.

“Sydney.” One word in a low, warning tone that lets me know he’s not budging until I confess. The man is about as stubborn as they come.

I don’t get the chance.

“Mommy?”

Ian swivels around at the sound of Savannah’s voice. I pull away from him to go to her.

“What’s wrong, buttercup?”

“Who dat?”

I glance over my shoulder at Ian. He’s staring at her in wonder. “That’s Ian. How about we watch The Little Mermaid and see if you can fall back asleep?”

She nods, rubbing her eyes with one hand while I take the other and lead her to the couch. I switch over to the movie that stays in our DVD player. We get settled on the couch, Savannah leaning into me as she gets comfortable, and Ian still seems baffled.

“I don’t understand,” he says.

“Sit down.” I pat the cushion next to me. “It’s going to be a long night.” My hands tremble as he sits. It’s good that he’s going to know, but I’m so not ready to confront my issues and the consequences of my actions.

“You never said,” he says quietly.

“I know.”

“Is her father around?” he whispers.

God, he hasn’t put it together. Tears begin to fall and I take a deep breath. Looking him in the eye, I say, “He just found out about her.”

Understanding dawns in an instant. “Fuck. Sydney.”

“Ssh. Please wait until I can get her back in bed.” She’s already half asleep, but if I move her now, she’ll wake up again.

Instead, he stands and walks out of my apartment.

The tears fall faster and I hold my daughter closer to me. I should’ve told Ian the moment I reconnected with him, but I didn’t and the longer I didn’t tell him, the harder it was to find a way. It’s going to hurt Ian worse when he hears the full story. It’s such a cluster fuck.

Just as I stand to put her in bed thirty minutes later, the door to my apartment opens. He came back. Relief floods me. He’s worse for wear than when he left, however. Ian follows me to my room, watches me tuck her into one of the twin beds, and shakes his head in wonder.

The moment we’re back in the living room, he demands, “Start from the beginning.”

“You’re not going to like any of it.”