Fans start to sit down, but I’m frozen in place. Ian leans down to pick up his gloves and when he stands upright, he sees me. His eyes widen, his jaw drops, and I’m so confused. He mouths I’m sorry before being ushered to a box.
I fall back into my seat as Tom starts to go on and on about Ian Rhett, who happens to be his favorite player. How is he even here? I thought he lived out of the country. How long has he been here? He’s a professional hockey player? He never told me that.
“How long has he been on the team?” I interrupt Tom’s long-winded explanation of why he loves the man I’ve been sleeping with but refusing to be with.
“He was traded last February.”
Around the time Ian started visiting me more regularly and asking if he could see me more. How could he keep this from me? Then again, I have my own huge secret, so I can’t truly be justified in how I feel, but this is huge. No wonder he’s been pushing for us to meet. It feels like my world has fallen apart. It actually hasn’t yet, but it’s going to. I don’t know how to process this information.
I’m so lost in my own head that I barely notice that my date has stopped talking to me and is now talking to a girl sitting on the other side of him. All I can do is watch Ian. He flicks his gaze my way every so often when there’s a stoppage of play or when he’s on the bench.
When Ian scores a goal, the arena erupts. I’d say they’re cheering, but the noise is so loud, it sounds like a roar. I’ve never seen or heard anything like it. Then again, I’m not a sports fan. All I want is to go home. I don’t care that the Rebels win with Ian’s lone goal. I can hope all I want that Ian won’t show up at my apartment tonight. While I usually meet him at the hotel since he was supposedly in town on business, but he does have the address for where I live since he started to send me gifts again when we reconnected. I can only hope that he won’t show up. He’s going to come. I just know it.
What is his reasoning for not telling me he became a pro player? That he moved here? God, this is fucked up in so many ways and it’s only going to get worse.
Tom takes me home and drops me off. He doesn’t even try to act as if there will
be another date. He doesn’t say he had a good time. He just says we’ll talk soon, which is highly unlikely since I was a bad date.
I walk into my apartment and relieve Logan from his babysitting duties, wondering how long it’ll be before Ian is here. I don’t know what happens after a game and if it’ll take him a while or not. I know nothing about his job. He never mentioned it specifically. Why? Why would he keep that away from me if we’re supposedly so close and he wants to be with me? When that’s been his lifelong dream?
God, he’s going to find out what I’ve kept from him. This is not how I wanted to tell him. I walk down the hallway and peek into my bedroom. Savannah’s sleeping soundly. Hopefully, she’ll stay that way.
“How’d the date go?” Logan asks.
“Terrible.”
“Sorry. I’m heading out for my own late-night date. Carey picked up an extra shift, so it’ll be a few hours before she gets home.”
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”
He heads out. With a sigh, I return to the living room and sit in a chair, which will force Ian to keep his distance since it’s a single-person seat. He needs to stay out of reach. One touch will weaken my resolve. That’s how this mess started. He took a chance and kissed me when I was sixteen; I’ve been hooked ever since.
Ian has become something to me that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve never wanted to lose him, but I’ve never wanted to be put into a position where he could hurt me again, which is why I’m so hesitant about doing anything more than fucking. This allows us to maintain our friendship and occasionally have sex to fulfill that need. It’s more than sex, but it’s not. Is it any wonder why I’m so fucking confused?
Ian doesn’t knock when he walks through my door an hour and a half later. “Sydney,” he says softly when he sees me. I don’t say a word. Hell, I’m scared to even look at him. He starts walking my way, but before he can pass the couch to come too close, I speak.
“Don’t come near me, Ian.” My voice is calm. Maybe I should’ve sounded more pissed because he ignores me, dropping to his knees in front of me and resting his hands on my thighs. I keep reminding myself that there’s a little girl down the hallway and she’s the reason I can’t be pissed. When this is all over, Ian will have way more to be pissed at me for.
“I was planning to tell you tomorrow,” he begins.
“You should’ve told me when you moved here!” My voice rises and it pisses me off that he doesn’t look guilty! He just seems worried. “Why didn’t you tell me? What would you have done if I bumped into you when I was out running errands? You should’ve told me! Instead, I had to find out while I was on a date!” I shake my head because I can’t be pissed at him, but god, I am!
His eyes darken at finding out I was on a date, but I don’t care. “Babe, you know I love you,” he says quietly. Those words spur me into pushing him away and standing to gain some distance. That’s what he keeps telling me. I’ve been so certain that he meant he loved me as his best friend. I’ve done everything I can to convince myself of that because it’s the safe option. Ian doesn’t give me time to panic. “Every time I tell you, every time I mention wanting to meet when the sun is shining, you pull away from me. I didn’t tell you because I was scared I’d lose you if I did, that it would be too much for you. I thought if we met up more often, you’d warm up to the idea.”
“Bullshit! You didn’t want more from me until after you moved here. So, what? You want a relationship because it’s convenient now that we’re in the same city?”
“That’s not it! I tried dating other girls and I kept coming back to you, wishing they were you. I was ready for a relationship before I got traded, but since you’re so fucking content with how things are, I didn’t mention it. I took it as a sign when I got traded that it was time to act. I want you!”
“You lied to me! You’ve been here all this time and you haven’t said a word!”
“You would’ve freaked the hell out!” he shouts back at me. “Just like you are now. I’d bet all the money in my bank account that this is more of a problem because I’m here than because I lied. Don’t you love me, Sydney? Don’t you want to see how much better we’d be together if we were to take things further? Why is a relationship with me so terrible?” he finishes as he closes the distance between us, grabbing my hips.
“What’s so terrible about what we have now?”
“Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a relationship? A boyfriend? Someone to love you?” I squeeze my eyes closed as if that could keep his words from getting to me. “Babe, what are you so scared of? Come on. Tell me. Let’s get it all out right now.”
I stay quiet, not wanting to confront my fears. Ian pulls me against his chest, wrapping those strong arms around me. “I’m sorry I kept something like that from you. I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t want to lose you, so I’ve been cautious. I want you, Sydney, in every way possible. Please, explain to me why you don’t want the same thing.”