I knew if he touched me, I would lose my resolve. It crumbles so easily, it’s as if it was barely holding itself together to start with. “I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.
Ian rests his hands on either side of my neck, placing his thumbs on my jaw to tilt my head back. “Being in a relationship with me is the opposite of losing me, gorgeous.”
“You don’t get it.” I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me.
“Then make me get it.”
“I’m supposed to be mad at you.” Maybe I can change the subject.
“Sydney.” One word in a low, warning tone that lets me know he’s not budging until I confess. The man is about as stubborn as they come.
I don’t get the chance.
“Mommy?”
Ian swivels around at the sound of Savannah’s voice. I pull away from him to go to her.
“What’s wrong, buttercup?”
“Who dat?”
I glance over my shoulder at Ian. He’s staring at her in wonder. “That’s Ian. How about we watch The Little Mermaid and see if you can fall back asleep?”
She nods, rubbing her eyes with one hand while I take the other and lead her to the couch. I switch over to the movie that stays in our DVD player. We get settled on the couch, Savannah leaning into me as she gets comfortable, and Ian still seems baffled.
“I don’t understand,” he says.
“Sit down.” I pat the cushion next to me. “It’s going to be a long night.” My hands tremble as he sits. It’s good that he’s going to know, but I’m so not ready to confront my issues and the consequences of my actions.
“You never said,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
“Is her father around?” he whispers.
God, he hasn’t put it together. Tears begin to fall and I take a deep breath. Looking him in the eye, I say, “He just found out about her.”
Understanding dawns in an instant. “Fuck. Sydney.”
“Ssh. Please wait until I can get her back in bed.” She’s already half asleep, but if I move her now, she’ll wake up again.
Instead, he stands and walks out of my apartment.
The tears fall faster and I hold my daughter closer to me. I should’ve told Ian the moment I reconnected with him, but I didn’t and the longer I didn’t tell him, the harder it was to find a way. It’s going to hurt Ian worse when he hears the full story. It’s such a cluster fuck.
Just as I stand to put her in bed thirty minutes later, the door to my apartment opens. He came back. Relief floods me. He’s worse for wear than when he left, however. Ian follows me to my room, watches me tuck her into one of the twin beds, and shakes his head in wonder.
The moment we’re back in the living room, he demands, “Start from the beginning.”
“You’re not going to like any of it.”
“I don’t fucking care.”
We sit on opposite ends of the couch. I angle toward him and take a deep breath. Ian refuses to look at me. He stares at the movie still playing on the TV.
“It happened the last time we were together, when you came to see me before my graduation. When I first found out, I was terrified about what I was going to do. I didn’t know what you would say or how it would work out, but I knew that you had to know even though we weren’t talking anymore. I had deleted your number from my phone, so I didn’t have that. Dad got your dad’s number for me.” Ian tenses. “I called him and asked him if he would get you to call me. That it was important because I was pregnant. I told him that if you didn’t want anything to do with the baby, then that was okay, but I wanted you to know. I never heard from you. I called him two more times and the second time, he said he told you. But I hadn’t heard from you, so I took that to mean that you wanted nothing to do with her. He even apologized to me.”
Ian starts shaking his head. “He never told me.”