Savannah’s arms shoot up and she shouts, “Goal!”
Ian grins. “You are too cute.” Savannah gets a grin of her own at that. They say their goodbyes and Ian closes the door before facing me. “Thanks for coming.”
“No problem. I think she had fun.”
The lull that follows is awkward. We’ve never had any pauses where we didn’t know what to say. We’ve always had something to say. There’s never been any awkward silences. I hate this. It reminds me that things between us are not fine. Not even close.
“How long are you going to be mad at me?” I whisper, suddenly feeling emotional. I’ve been mad at Ian plenty of times. He’s given me lots of reasons to get pissed with him, not all of them fully justified, but not once has he ever been mad at me. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to handle it. I definitely do not like it. A stupid tear escapes and I quickly wipe it away.
Ian stuffs his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“I forgave you for everything you did.”
“What did I do?” he asks as if he’s completely innocent.
“You cheated on someone with me, Ian! You broke my heart! You lied to me about living here.”
“And if you truly forgave me, you would be my girlfriend, but you’re not. I’m calling bullshit.” He shakes his head and rubs his beard. “Go home, Sydney. We can argue some other time.” He turns, walking away without another word.
God, I hate when he’s right.
“How’s it going with Ian?” Logan asks. It’s Wednesday and we’re having lunch together.
I shrug. “Fine. He’s still trying to get used to the idea of being a parent.”
“I guessed that. I meant between the two of you. Since he found out, you keep looking at your phone, but you aren’t actually on it. You’ve been moping. He must not be talking to you anymore.”
“I haven’t been moping!” I defend. “And he does text me some, but it usually has to do with Savannah.”
“So, I’m right.”
“Yeah,” I begrudgingly admit, causing him to laugh.
“What is it about him? Seriously? You’ve dated other people, but you always resort to him, even though you aren’t with him. Carey and I send you on dates all the time. They never go anywhere. You won’t let him go, but you won’t be with him either. What’s the deal with that?”
I’ve asked myself those questions many, many times. Why can’t I give him up? Why do we keep coming back together? All I keep coming back to is that he’s just Ian. He’s been so many firsts for me. He knows so much about me. I can’t picture life without him.
Apparently, I’ve been thinking too long.
“Okay, forget that he’s Savannah’s dad and that you love him, but don’t want to love him. He, Carey, and I are your best friends. If we were all drowning in the ocean and you could only save one of us, who would you save?”
“Ian,” I answer immediately. My cheeks redden because there wasn’t even a second of hesitation. Hell, Logan barely had time to finish asking the question.
“Damn, Syd. Don’t take time to think about it.”
“Sorry. I mean, I love y’all.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He waves me off. “We’re replaceable. He isn’t.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” I start with a frown.
He laughs. “That’s basically what you just said when you saved him from drowning. It’s okay. I get it, I guess. How would you feel if he all of a sudden left for good and said he wanted nothing to do with you ever again?”
“I’d be devastated.” I’m halfway there just hearing him say it. My heart hurts to think about that as a possibility.
“So, are y’all going to start dating, then? You’re all set to be with him.”
“To your delight, I’m sure, probably not. Ian’s pretty pissed at me for waiting so long to tell him about Savannah once I knew that he didn’t know. I just want things to go back to normal.”