I grab a pair of scissors and have her follow me to my bedroom. She doesn’t have a change of clothes, but my idea is that maybe I can trim the sleeves of one of my T-shirts and cut off part of it so it isn’t too long and she can wear that.
“We’re improvising today, Savannah.” I put one of my T-shirts on her and then roll it up to where I’ll need to cut it and take it back off. “This is your bathing suit, so your clothes don’t get wet.” She watches me intently while I destroy one of my black T-shirts. Once I’m done, I hand it to her with instructions to go to the bathroom and take off her shirt and pants and put the shirt on, and I let her know I’ll be in my bathroom changing too.
After we’ve changed, I grab some towels, my phone, a key to my apartment, and then we head to the elevator. The pool is on one of the lower floors and just like I thought, it’s deserted. I hold on tight to Savannah’s hand as we walk over to the edge after setting my things down. She dips her toe in and squeals.
“Is it cold?” I ask.
“No.”
Then I have no idea why she squealed.
“Are you ready to get in? Have you ever been in a pool?”
Savannah shakes her head, but I don’t know which question she’s answering. Eventually, I just pick her up and step into the pool. She has her arms around my neck and her hold is tight. She’s nervous. Me too, Savannah. Me too.
“I won’t let you go, okay? You’re safe with me.” We wade in the water until her arms fall away. “Want to make a big splash?”
“Yeah.”
“Grab my shoulders and drop your legs from my waist. I’m still going to hold onto you, promise.” After a moment of hesitation, she does it. I adjust her so her feet are away from my body and close to the top of the water. “Kick your legs as hard as you can.” She does, looking over her shoulder and starts laughing. She kicks until her legs are tired. “Want to learn how to float? You’d have to really trust me for that.”
“Okay, Daddy,” she says. I smile because she basically said she trusts me. We’re about to find out if she really does or not.
“Hold your arms out like you’re an airplane.” Her arms shoot out immediately. “Now, I’m going to lay you on your back, but my hands are going to be under you the entire time, okay? I won’t let go.” She nods, so I lay on her back. She’s tense and her hand keeps coming to grab my arm. “Just relax, Savannah. You have to be calm and still. I’m not letting go,” I remind her. B
oth of my hands are under her back because her legs are floating easily. It takes her ten minutes to let go of my arm and relax.
“I do it myself,” she says.
That makes me nervous even though I’m right here.
“Let go,” she demands.
“Okay.” How easily I give in is something to be ashamed of. My hands move half an inch away. “There you go! You’re floating all by yourself!”
Savannah lifts her head in excitement and starts to sink, but my hands are right there to grab her, thank goodness. “I did it!”
“Yes, you did. Good job.” I hold up my hand and she high-fives me. “Want to learn how to swim?”
“Yes!”
“How about I teach you to doggie paddle?”
She giggles. “Doggie paddle?”
“Yep.”
So, I spend the next hour teaching her how to doggie paddle and not letting her go until she’s demanding that I do it. Even then, I’m never too far; I’m right by her side the entire time. I even convince her to jump into the pool, which ends up being her favorite thing. Savannah finally admits she’s tired, so we return to my apartment. I throw the shirt and her underwear into the dryer real quick and then we get her dressed again.
We lie on the couch with some cartoon on. Savannah is the first to doze off. I move her to my bed, which wakes her up, and then she doesn’t want to be left alone, so I lie down too. She curls up next to me and is asleep within minutes.
The exhaustion finally hits me. I run my fingers through her wet hair. This sense of peace I have is weird. Somehow, this little girl calms me and scares the hell out of me all at once. She’s so precious and adorable, too. I wonder what she was like as a baby. What kind of personality did she have? How has that changed as she’s grown? What if I’m going to change her somehow?
I’ve never thought about kids. I haven’t had a reason to think about them. But now, I have one and I’m terrified I’m going to fuck her up, especially since I already missed out on the first three years of her life. Sydney seems to have a handle on being a parent, but hell if I know what I’m doing. I feel more like a damn babysitter playing daddy so far. The last thing I want to do is mess up where this little girl is concerned. I already love her too much.
Today went well, though. I survived. She survived. Maybe I can do this whole be-a-father thing. My eyes fall closed and there’s a smile on my face.
“Ian.”