“You’re already a great father,” I tell him quietly. “You have good instincts.”
“Thanks.” With that, I head toward the hallway. I’m almost out the door when I hear him jogging down the hallway. “Sydney, wait!” I turn around to face him. “We didn’t get to keep our plans last night. Can we do today?”
“The only time I have free is between two and five and then I have to pick her up and get home. I don’t even know if I have someone to watch her tonight while I work because I don’t know if Carey has to work yet and Logan is having his surgery today, so he’s not coming home.” I stop because I’m rambling and I answered his question already.
“She could stay here with me.”
“Sleepover with Daddy, please! Please! Please! Please!” Savannah starts to beg me. Man, I hate when she catches on to what we’re saying. She’s started doing that more and more lately.
“Of course you can,” I tell her. “Show up at the apartment at some point during
that timeframe and we’ll get everything settled. I really have to go now.”
It’s too much to still feel where I was lying next to him and to see him fresh out of bed. I had hoped while he was on the road trip that we could move forward and stop looking into the past. Hell, I was starting to feel good and ready to ignore my reservations.
Then, last night happened.
I’m an idiot. Ian isn’t going to forgive me so easily, if at all. That thought nearly kills me. I don’t want to be civil. I want us to be…what? Friends? We haven’t ever really managed to do that. How are we supposed to do it now? But I can’t lose him and I need him to be more than just the father of my child. The thought of that not being possible scares me more than the thought of being Ian’s girlfriend ever did.
“Mommy,” Savannah says once we’re on our way to her daycare.
“What’s up, buttercup?”
“I like Daddy. He’s fun.”
“I like him, too.” Unfortunately for me, that may not matter.
My day seems to fly by. I’m so thankful for a good night’s sleep last night because it’s going to be a full day. Once I’m done at school, I stop by the hospital to check on Logan, but he’s in surgery at that point, so I don’t get to see him. Ian is leaning against the apartment door when I get there. Why couldn’t he be ugly? Or at least have days where he was unattractive.
“Hey,” I say as he steps aside so I can unlock the door.
“Hey. You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
I shoot a glare his way. Here I am thinking about how hot he looks and apparently, I look like crap! He’s such an asshole. Maybe one day he’ll learn to think before he speaks.
“Is everything okay with Logan?” he asks as we step inside.
“He’s in surgery now. That’s why I was late.” I set my bag on the dining table and head for the couch, sighing as I relax.
He nods. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
Instead of answering, I say, “We should go shopping. You need a car seat in your car. We shouldn’t even be sitting; we need to pack, so Savannah can stay with you tonight.” I stand, but Ian’s hand reaches out like a snake lunging for its prey. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back onto the couch.
“We have time for that later. Let’s get this over with first.”
I yank my wrist away and scoot to the other end of the couch. I need distance. Being so close to him is causing my brain to short-circuit and I can’t think straight. Everything I wanted to possibly talk about, I can’t remember now. “How did your conversation with your father go?” I ask. That’s related, but not really about us.
The anger immediately rolls off of him. “How do you think? I accidentally said she, so he said something about her being a girl and I told him it wasn’t any of his fucking business. He wanted to keep it from me and until I can get over it, he’s not going to know about her. I haven’t spoken to him since and don’t plan to.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Why? You told him. He promised to tell me and told you that he did when he didn’t. What he did isn’t on you.”
“If you can’t forgive him, how can you forgive me? We basically did the same thing.”
Ian sighs and looks away. I wait patiently for his answer. Ian turns his head and settles those green eyes on me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His question stumps me at first. “Well, I initially thought you knew and then I was stunned that you didn’t. I planned to tell you; that’s why I was quick to agree to have dinner with you, but I wanted to see where you were in life and we ended up having sex and things were just like they always were. After that…” My voice trails off. “I don’t know. I was just swept up in what was going on with us and I kept thinking I needed the right moment. It didn’t take long before I was in too deep and I didn’t know how to get out.”