Savannah frowns. “By myself?”
“Yeah, just like a big girl.”
“But you look for monsters. Lo-Lo always look for monsters.”
So, I check the closet and under the bed. “No monsters. Goodnight.” I lean down and kiss her forehead.
“Night.”
I return to the living room and plop onto the couch. Kids are tiring. I think this every time I’m with Savannah, and I can’t help but wonder how much more exhausting she would’ve been as a baby when she was completely helpless. Grabbing the photo album that’s mostly her first year of life off the coffee table, I slowly flip through it, imagining what they would’ve looked like had I been in her life. I’d obviously be in the pictures more, but I think Sydney would be too. She seems to be the photographer in most cases.
My eyes drift closed and I dream of an entirely different life for the past three years. One where Sydney has no problem being in a relationship with me. One where I’m there when Savannah is born and I get to be there for all of her firsts. That’s particularly painful, considering how going through firsts with Sydney is something I love doing and it’s even more important when it’s your kid. I guess the only bonus is that Savannah isn’t going to remember me not being there.
Soon, my dreams shift. Savannah is gone and it’s just Sydney and me. They turn dirty as we begin to kiss and shed our clothes.
“Ian. Ian. Wake up.”
Sydney is leaning over me and I lazily smile, the images from my dream still on the forefront of my mind. “Hey, gorgeous.”
“Where’s Savannah?”
“Should be in the spare bedroom asleep. My dream was just starting to get good, you know.”
She rolls her eyes before walking away and down the hall. Once she’s checked on Savannah, she returns. I pull her to lie on me, not bothering to sit up and let her have her own seat.
“Ian,” she protests.
“I miss you, babe,” I murmur. The tip of my nose trails along her jaw, down her neck, and then I inhale. She smells a little like food, but mostly like whatever that perfume is she wears. It’s not fruity or floral, so fuck if I know what it smells like, but I love it. Always have. Sydney relaxes into me, her hands flat on my chest, but she’s slightly tense.
“I just finished a long shift and—”
“Don’t care. Still want you. Even if it’s just this.” I squeeze my arms around her and let my head fall back onto the pillow. What I’d really like to do is kiss her, but Sydney keeps bringing up how easily we fall into bed, so maybe she needs to see that there’s more to us than that? I don’t know what she needs; she should tell me so I can do it because I need more than what we’ve been doing lately. I’m tired of being mad at her. I’m tired of not having her. I’m tired of not talking to her as much as I normally do. I want to ask her if she’s moving in with me, but I don’t. It takes every ounce of self-control to stay quiet.
“You’re not mad at me anymore?”
“I’m ready to move past it,” I answer.
She rests her head on my shoulder. “So, what now?”
“Now, you need to tell me if you’re finally going to let me be your boyfriend.”
“What’s boyfriend Ian like?”
It takes a moment for it to sink in that she thinks I’ll be different as her boyfriend. Which, of course, some things will obviously be different. There will be dates and more of a relationship than before. Other than that, I don’t know what she means. So, I say, “If we do this and there’s something different you need, say it. I’ll change. I want you too much, babe, and this is my best and probably last opportunity to have you. I’ll do whatever you want as long as you promise not to give up on me.”
Up until now, my hands have been on her hips. They’ve been good hands and haven’t moved, but it’s killing me to have her this close and not feel her. I’d like to slip my hands underneath her shirt, but to show that I do have some self-control, I simply let my fingers walk up and down her back. Sydney isn’t saying anything, so I decide to keep talking.
“Before you decide, you should know what you’re getting into with my job. During the season, things are crazy. I travel, but I can be gone for up to two weeks, sometimes. It doesn’t happen often, but it can happen. Like, it happens at the beginning of the season here. My summer starts anywhere from April to June, depending on how we’re doing and what happens with the playoffs. Summer is mostly free. I say mostly because I’ll take some time off, but I still train. And then, there’s always the potential to be traded and have to move. If you’re my girlfriend, once you’re done with school, I’d expect you and Savannah to come with me.”
She laughs a little. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?”
“Just letting you know what it’s like. It won’t be too bad with Savannah since you’re already used to not having me around.” I feel like I’ve waited long enough. I’ve done a good job being patient, right? “What’s it going to be, Sydney?”
“You’re supposed to be giving me time to think. Besides, it’s really late, and we should be sleeping. Let’s go to bed.”
“Do you already know what you’re going to do?”
She lifts her head and nods. “What do you think?”