“Go ahead.”
She keeps her eyes away from me and her voice is soft when she speaks. “How did it not occur to you that you shouldn’t be with me if you were with her?”
Ah, fuck. “Because I’m an idiot?”
“I’m serious, Ian,” she snaps, clearly annoyed with my answer.
“So am I. I don’t know how. Like,” I sigh because I don’t particularly want to get into this. “I had just started seeing her around prom, but I didn’t consider her a girlfriend. She called me her boyfriend, and I let her. She was with me when you called to tell me that you didn’t have a date, so I went into the hallway to talk to you and then kicked her out while I sorted out how to go see you. Didn’t think about her again until I got back and she got up with me. It wasn’t anything serious at all. And if you called, then you were the only person on my mind. I was nineteen, horny, and couldn’t be with you. We both talked about seeing other people. She was just someone to see.”
“God, that makes you even more of an ass, Ian.” She puts her food on the coffee table and folds her arms over her chest.
“You asked me and I answered honestly. You can’t tell me that you haven’t done the same thing.”
Her eyes widen. “I haven’t!”
“So, during the two years we’ve been seeing each other, you haven’t gone on more than one date with a guy while still sleeping with me?”
“I never slept with anyone else, Ian! You’re the only jackass I’ve ever slept with! That’s the difference!”
Well, that answers the other question I wasn’t going to ask. “It doesn’t matter, gorgeous. Did you go on more than one date with someone?”
“Yes, but—”
“Then, you were seeing someone while seeing me. You did the same thing, even if you weren’t sleeping with him.”
Her eyes narrow and she angles away from me to pretend to watch TV. So much for a good quiet night in.
“I was just trying to get you to see a different side of it. I never said that it was right or that if I could have a do-over, I would do it again. Don’t get pissed. We’ve made mistakes. I thought we were over them.”
That gets her attention. “You forgive me?” When I frown, she adds, “You never actually said.”
“Babe.” I grab her hand and pull her into my lap. She’s been worried about it all this time? I cup her face and rest her forehead against mine. Her eyes close, but only briefly. “When I said I was ready to move past it, I forgave you. When I asked you to move in, I forgave you. Every time I call you babe or gorgeous, I forgive you. Every moment I get to spend with Savannah, I forgive you. I’m not going to bring it up and hold it against you in future arguments. Don’t worry about that anymore, okay?”
A few tears fall as she nods.
“How are you feeling about us? Do I need to change anything?” Sydney didn’t want there to be an us from where I hurt her and she was scared of us messing things up again. I’m obviously not a mind-reader and I’d like to know how she’s really feeling about everything. She seemed to think I’d act different as her boyfriend, and I told her if she needed me to be different to say the word because I’d change in a heartbeat for her.
“I don’t know.”
My heart sinks. That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “What do you mean?”
“When it comes to you, me, and Savannah, then I think we’re doing good. Better since you don’t seem to be so focused on what you missed.”
“But,” I say for her.
“I don’t think there’s been enough of this for me to have an answer.” She motions to our date night set-up. “I mean, until tonight, I was still wondering when you were going to truly forgive me. I don’t think there’s been as much us-time as what we had before, which is crazy considering I see you so much more now. So, anyway. Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about us. And I know that we’re trying to have a new normal, but…” Her voice trails off and she sits up straight, my hands falling to her thighs as she looks away. “I miss what we had.”
“The sex?” We can totally fix that in a heartbeat.
She rolls her eyes, but her gaze is heated. “Not just that.” Those are three words I’ll remember as soon as she’s done talking. “You used to tell me you loved me, too,” she whispers, looking down at her hands, which are now resting on top of mine.
Yeah, and she never said it back. Depending on her mood, she’d hang up on me if it was over the phone. If we were together, she might pretend I didn’t speak or she’d kiss me midway to shut me up. I did stop saying it once I found out about Savannah, and I’ve been hesitant about saying it now. I finally have her. Why am I going to say something that may push her over the ledge? Not to mention, there’s only so many times a man can tell a woman he loves her and have her ignore it.
“The moment you let me back into your life, I started trying to win you over. Every time I told you I loved you, you didn’t say anything. Ever. Not a fucking word. Your expression never changed. It was as if I didn’t say anything. Not doing that again, gorgeous. If you want to hear me say it, you’re going to have to say it first.”
Not surprisingly, she groans and leans down to rest her forehead on my shoulder. “We’re so fucked.”
I laugh. The groan, I expected. What she said, not so much. Damn, it isn’t funny, though. “See, you are capable of saying three-word sentences. Just say it. You can whisper it in my ear if you want. You’ve said it before; you can do it again. It’ll be better than last time too. Promise,” I finish, sounding more serious than I intended.