“I was going to stab you if you were an intruder. I didn’t know you were coming home tonight.” Or if he was, that he’d come here instead of somewhere else since he didn’t stay here that last night. I wonder where he did stay.
“What are you doing up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.” I hold up my e-reader. I’ve already read one book, and I’ve started a second. “Where did you go?” I blurt out.
“What?” he asks with confusion.
“After our argument. You left and spent the night somewhere else. Where did you go?”
His lips flatten and his eyes narrow. It’s as if he’d forgotten about the entire thing and I just brought it back to the forefront of his mind. “Z’s,” he answers, moving away from me to lean against a different counter. One that is as far away from me as he can get and still be in the kitchen. He folds his arms over his chest, which only shows off his arms.
The silence is tense. It’s suffocating every second he avoids looking at me, studiously admiring his shoes, and every moment that passes with such heavy tension in the air. This is somehow worse than Savannah getting hurt and me not being able to get up with him.
“I don’t like when you’re mad at me,” I whisper.
He scoffs and briefly flicks his gaze up at me. “Yeah, well, I don’t like when you’re pissed at me, but it happens all the fucking time and I wait for you to get over it.” He grabs the end of his beard and tugs on it for just a second. “You are so much harder on me than I am on you, Sydney. You do realize that after finding out about Savannah, there wouldn’t be an us right now if I knew how to be without you. That’s not a better life for me, so I’m here. You can’t cut me some fucking slack whenever I make an honest mistake?” He shakes his head.
I open my mouth to speak, but he’s not done. His eyes are finally on me, but they’re hard and unforgiving. “Then, you’re going to tell me that I’m letting you down?” He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “I did everything short of taking you on a date for two years. I was pretty quick about forgiving you for your own mistake, especially in comparison to you. I’ve been taking care of you and Savannah like I said I would. Because you asked me to, I talked to my dad again and forgave him.
“I’ve owned up to the mistakes I’ve made since then and I’ve tried my damnedest not to make them again. I’ve told you that whatever you needed me to change to tell me and I’d do it. I fucking asked you to marry me and told you that whatever you wanted in your future was yours because I’d make it happen. How in the ever-loving fuck am I still letting you down? Because it seems to me like the big picture stuff is there, and if you don’t see that, then I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing.”
Sydney immediately starts crying, folding her arms on top of her drawn-up knees and burying her face to hide. Fuck. Making her cry wasn’t my intention. Hell, I don’t know what my intention was, but that’s been sitting on my chest since I walked out of here the other night and it all just came out.
“I do see the big picture,” she insists, but I’m not sure I believe her. “I want us to work. I need us to work, Ian.” She harshly wipes away her tears and takes a big breath. “I’m just terrified that we won’t,” she whispers. “I know what it’s like for you to not be there when I loved you before, and I feel like I love you so much more now. Not to mention, Savannah loves you to death. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if—”
“Babe,” I interrupt with just that one word. Sydney hasn’t been looking at me and I need her full attention, so she can listen to me and actually hear what I’m saying.
She runs her fingers under her eyes and looks up at me. “What?” Her voice cracks and fuck, if it isn’t hard to keep myself from going to her.
“I’m not going anywhere. You can get as pissed as you want with me, blow things out of proportion all you want, and I’m not going anywhere. The only way this relationship is going to end is if you end it, and in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve done that. We were still together in some way. You’re stuck with me, babe, especially with Savannah involved. Besides, you already said you’d marry me. There’s no getting out of that shit.”
She laughs a little, turning on the counter so her legs dangle off the edge, her e-reader now sitting next to her. “You sound like you’re holding me hostage.”
“If that’s what it takes and if it makes you feel better.”
She nods, her lips trembling as more tears fall. I can’t take it anymore, so I finally eliminate the space between us and wrap my arms around her shoulders, her head tucked against my neck. “I’m sorry, Ian. I don’t know why I keep making bad things worse. It doesn’t make any sense. And why didn’t you come back home after our argument?” She lifts her head to look at me.
“I needed to cool off. I came back the next morning before Savannah realized I was gone,” I add as the need to defend myself rises. I also came back because I wanted to see Savannah since I knew I would be leaving for a game. I wanted to see Sydney too, even though I didn’t want to talk to her and make any eye contact.
Sydney frowns. “Come back sooner next time. I’d rather you be angry and in bed next to me then somewhere else.”
“Done,” I reply immediately.
She groans. “I’m such a bitch, aren’t I?”
“You’re a worrier is what you are. When you worry, you do have the tendency to be a little bitchy.”
A faint smile is on her lips. “Don’t be a jackass. You’re supposed to tell me that no, I’m not a bitch. I’m cute, sweet, and only occasionally a little moody.” At that, I snort. “You’re a dick.”
“I keep you honest is all.”
She nods because it’s true. I tell it to her straight, even if it’s not always in what others see as a nice way. Sydney doesn’t mind it because she’ll throw that shit right back at me. She runs the back of her fingers along my beard. “Are we good now? If you say no, then you’ll be responsible for a meltdown of epic proportions.”
I quirk an eyebrow. “We solve something?”
“Ian,” she whines. “Who cares? Let’s just put it behind us. You’ll do better. I’ll do better. That’s all we need to solve it, right?”
I want to say yes, but… “Do you trust me, gorgeous?”