Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love 3)

I faintly hear Jake’s footsteps as they move in faster. My eyes show me that Kyle is kneeling in front of me and Jake is at my side doing the same, but I’m not focusing on them. Behind Kyle’s right shoulder is the most beautiful scene.

A mother is watching as her husband is lifting their son up high and making gushing noises that cause the baby to giggle. That laugh tears me apart. It’s surreal and perfect. Pretending that this hasn’t bothered me as much as it has all these months stops at the sound of that baby’s precious laugh. A laugh I will never hear from my own baby.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jake on his knees watching me intently. I lean to my right to rest against him. The picture is painted too well and I couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. Arms that I love so much envelop me. I welcome Jake’s comfort, but I don’t want it. Jake’s voice is struggling to get words out and cracks.

“Sweetness, I love you. So much. I wish I could take all of this pain away from you. I'll do whatever it takes. Please, don’t push me away. I don’t know if I can handle that. You are my everything. We lost the baby. I can’t lose you too.”

My heart keeps dying as if it’s a squeaky toy being aggressively chewed on by a dog. I can’t even form coherent thoughts, much less speak.

“I’m here for you. Always. Forever. Always and forever. No matter what happens. Please Sweetness.”

I want nothing more than to be able to go home and crawl into the comfort of my own bed. I know that is exactly what I need. I lean away from Jake and wipe away my tears.

“I have to go home.”

“I’ll follow you,” Jake replies.

“No. Jake, I need to go home.”

Realization dawns on him and instantly I know he’s not satisfied. Feeling like I have a purpose now, I stand and leave them outside. I find the manager and let him know that I’m going to need the next week off. Back outside, Jake pesters me with questions as I walk to my car.

I swivel around and Jake almost runs into me. His strong jaw line shows me his teeth are clenched. He doesn’t want me to go. I cup one hand along his jaw.

“I need this Jake. It’ll only be for a few days.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No. You have hockey.”

“You’re going to miss my game.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Jake,” tears spring into my eyes and I blink rapidly to get rid of them. “I love you. You know that, right?”

Jake leans his forehead against mine and closes his sad green eyes. “But is it enough?”

6

Jake

With my hands in my pockets, I watch Emily back out of the driveway. I feel as if she is leaving me.

Forever.

It tore me apart to see her so disheveled earlier. As Emily drives away, my heart feels like it is stretching in two different directions. Soon, it will have no choice but to rip. Emily’s car disappears around the corner and I turn on my heel to go back inside.

Instantly, I feel a difference in the house. Emily’s coat is missing from the back of the chair in the living room where she always tosses it when she came home. Shoes are missing from the messy pile in the closet. A lack of clothing has left a noticeable dent in the dresser. Her toothbrush isn’t sitting in its container on the counter in the bathroom. There’s less evidence of her presence not only in the house, but in my life as well.

I should have known that she was having more trouble than what meets the eye. I love her. I know every inch of Emily and yet, I thought she was doing well considering the recent events. Sure, she had a few slip ups here and there. But as far as I knew, she was battling less and less with the grief every day. Why didn’t I see that she wasn’t?

I drop onto the couch and stare at the black screen of the television. Was I not supportive enough? Do I not know Emily as well as I thought? Are there parts of herself that she hasn’t showed me? How in the hell am I going to get her through this?

As the moon rose and night fell, that question continues to bother me. The sun lit lights up the sky and I’ve barely slept a wink. Emily was supposed to call me to let me know that she made it home safely but I still haven’t heard from her. I am tempted to call, but if she needs time away from here then she may need time away from me as well. The thought hurts.

Eventually I give in. I call and listen as her phone rings and rings. Voicemail picks up and I leave her a message.

“Just wanted to make sure you made it there safely Sweetness. I love you. I want you to know that I want you to do whatever you need to do to make this better. If that means staying at Mike’s, then that’s what I want you to do. Talk to you soon.”

The hours tick by as I lay in bed waiting for the phone to ring. The phone call that will relieve some of the stress and worry pumping through my heart. The phone call where my Sweetness is on the other line. I start to worry when three o’clock rolls around.