And in the moment I decided to stop searching for the cars and retreat to The Barn and the safety of the office located there, the wind paused and silence ringed the campus.
My jumbled thoughts:
(The wind forced you out of the parking lot)
(Because it didn’t want you to find a car)
(You learn to move on without the people you love)
(My father hadn’t)
(But the wind stopped: time for a drink)
Shivering, I climbed the creaking staircase leading to my office, adjusting to the warm emptiness of the Barn. I unlocked my office and the moment I stepped over the stories that had been pushed under the door, I realized that the last time I had been here was on Halloween: the day Clayton introduced himself to me, and then I moved to my desk and slumped into a chair by the window overlooking the Commons and almost started crying because on that same day Aimee Light had pretended not to know him. Outside, the dark clouds that had been guarding Midland County were dissipating, the view growing so bright that I could see past the Commons and into the valley below the campus. Horses were grazing in a pasture near a canvas tent, and a yellow tractor was maneuvering through the huge oaks and maples that made up a forest leading into town, and then I saw my father, the crows turning in the sky above him, and he was standing at the end of the Commons lawn, and his face was white and his stare was fixed on me and he was holding out his hand and I knew that if I took that hand it would be as cold as mine and his mouth moved and from where I sat I could hear the name he kept repeating, insistently escaping his lips. Robby. Robby. Robby.
Someone knocked on the door of the office and my father disappeared.
Donald Kimball looked tired and his inquisitive manner had changed since last Saturday; he was now defeated. After I let him in he regarded me casually and gestured at a chair, which he fell into as I nodded. He sighed and sat back, his bloodshot eyes scanning the room. I wanted him to make a comment about the wind—I needed someone to verify it for me so we could share a laugh—but he didn’t. When he spoke his voice was dry.
“I’ve never been up here,” he sighed. “To the college, I mean. Nice place.”
I moved over to my desk and sat behind it. “It’s a nice college.”
“Doesn’t working here interfere with your writing schedule?”
“Well, I only teach here once a week, and I’m canceling tomorrow’s class and—” I realized how careless that made me sound and so I began to make a case for myself. “I mean, I take my job seriously even though it’s not very demanding . . . I mean, it’s fairly routine.” I was just making noise. I just wanted to prolong everything. “It’s pretty easy.” I couldn’t sit still—I was too nervous—and I paced the office instead, pretending to look for something. I bent down to retrieve the stories when I suddenly froze: footprints stamped in ash trailed along the wooden floor.
The same footprints that had once been visible in the darkening carpet on Elsinore Lane.
I swallowed hard.
“Why?” Kimball was asking.
“Why . . . what?” I tore my eyes away from the footprints and stood up and placed the stories on a table that sat off to the side of the window overlooking the Commons.
“Why is it easy?”
“Because they’re impressed by me.” I shrugged. “They sit in a room and try to describe reality and they mostly fail and then I leave.” I paused. “I’m good at professional detachment.” I paused again. “Plus I don’t have tenure to worry about.”
Kimball kept staring at me, waiting for the lame interlude I imposed on us to reach its end.
I kept forcing myself to look away from the footprints.
Finally Kimball cleared his throat. “I got your messages and I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but you didn’t sound too upset and—”
“But I think I may have some news,” I said, sitting down again.
(but you don’t)
“Yes, that’s what you said.” Kimball nodded slowly. “But, um . . .” He trailed off, distracted by something.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked suddenly. “I mean, I think I’ve got a bottle of scotch around here somewhere.”
“No, no—that’s okay.” He stopped. “I’ve got to head back over to Stoneboat.”
“What happened in Stoneboat?” I asked. “Wait, that’s not where Paul Owen is?”
Kimball sighed heavily again. He seemed withdrawn, regretful.
“No, it isn’t where Paul Owen is.”