“My ex-girlfriend,” Cal replies plainly.
The hallway is completely silent then, but it doesn’t matter to us because we’re in the office and Coach Mike closes the door behind us. He stands in front of us and holds his hand out to Julie.
“I’m Coach Mike.”
“I’m Julie.” She glances up at me. “Collin’s best friend,” she adds. I pull her closer, wondering why she didn’t say girlfriend.
“Nice to meet you, Julie. Why don’t you two have a seat?” He motions to a pair of seats while walking around to his own behind his desk.
Julie moves forward, but I yank her back to my side and shake my head. I’m barely in control here. I dip my head and very quietly whisper, “I can’t let you go. You’re the only thing that’s holding me together.”
“Okay.” She nudges me with a hand on her back and I frown, but move forward. “Sit,” she orders. After a moment of hesitation, I do and she follows, but she sits on the arm of the chair. All the while Coach has been watching us.
“How are you doing right now, Collin?” he asks. I simply shake my head. How could I express how I’m doing? And in a way that wouldn’t freak him out? “Would it be correct to say you had a panic attack earlier?”
I nod and Julie chimes in with, “I think it would be safe to say he’s either still in the middle of it or hasn’t recovered from whatever happened earlier.” She glances at me and all I can do is drop my head in shame. “Are you embarrassing him about his anxiety?” Julie suddenly demands to know.
“Excuse me?” Coach Mike replies with surprise.
It’s nice she’s concerned, but she doesn’t need to accuse my coach of anything. “Jules,” I say quietly. I squeeze her hip and shake my head to shut her up.
But that doesn’t work. She lowers her voice and argues, “Collin, you’re acting like you have something to be ashamed of. To be embarrassed about. You don’t. You handle this the best way you can and you never act like this in front of me. What else am I supposed to think? They must be making you feel uncomfortable about it!”
We aren’t doing this now. I need to know my future with the team. If there is one. Ignoring Julie, I ask Coach, “What did you want to meet about?”
Coach Mike eyes Julie for a moment, as if he wants to address what she said, but he decides to focus on me instead, thank god. “We’ve been talking and everyone agrees it would be best if you started seeing a therapist, two actually. One of your choice, for things away from work, and a sports psychologist, as your disorder never affected work until you scored on Savage in that game. If you’d like, you can also take a week or two off to decompress, recoup, whatever will help.”
Thank fuck. They aren’t firing me. That’s all my mind hears right now. “Yes, sir,” I automatically reply.
“Good. Do you want the time off?”
“Yes,” Julie answers, causing me to jerk my head toward her. “Don’t argue. You could use it and do you really want to deal with the stress hockey is obviously causing you while you deal with the stress of seeing two new people? If they’re willing, take it, Collin. All you do at home is sleep because you’re mentally exhausted.” Fuck. I wince with the truth she’s hitting me with and the fact that she’s doing it in front of my coach. “You don’t have to take the entire time off.”
“But what’s my reason? They have to report something.”
“It’s an undisclosed medical condition,” Coach Mike says. “We can’t use family as a reason when Cal won’t be off too. But we can say it’s medical, which it is, and we don’t have to report anything more than that.”
“I don’t know.” And I don’t. This is starting to sound messy and complicated and bad.
“He’s doing it,” Julie confirms for me while I frown. “Is that all?”
“You’re not making me look good, Jules,” I mumble. She’s sitting here, making my decisions for me as if I can’t.
“It’s okay, Collin. I’m glad you have someone other than your brother looking out for you. Go on home, rest, and we’ll be in touch about the sports psychologist. Let us know when you’ve found your own therapist, or if you’d like us to help you with that as well.”
Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s right. Part of this deal is seeing a therapist. Two motherfucking shrinks. I quickly thank Coach and stand to haul ass out of there.
Except Cal waits for us in the hallway. He is the last thing I need right now. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the memo.
“What the hell, Collin? What are you doing with her? Are you crazy?”
I snap.
I’m sick and fucking tired of him calling me crazy. I charge toward him, wrap my hand around his throat, and hold him against the wall. Julie makes some sort of protest, but my mind is fully on Cal right now.
“Don’t you dare question me. Not after how you treated her.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Collin.”