Often, I wonder what is keeping me from asking her. We wouldn't have to get married right away. I want her and everyone else to know just one thing. She's mine. I already have the ring too. Now, the only thing left for me to do is plan the perfect proposal.
Deep down, hidden in the depths of my soul that I will never allow Sweetness to see, is a scared Jake. A Jake who doesn't want to tie Sweetness down in case she happens to fall in love with someone else and is happier with him. A Jake who would like nothing more than to marry her right this second, but won't ask because he doesn't want to be rejected. Even if she loves him, it doesn't guarantee a yes.
Before I realize it, I've sighed and Emily's brown eyes are peering at me from under those beautiful, long eyelashes.
"What's the matter?"
Emily bites her lip and a dash of anger runs through me. Her first instinct is to assume she has done something to upset me. She is worrying over something she might have done. Resting my head against hers, I go to speak, but Emily does instead. She wasn't worried about me, but something else. It seems she has been doing a bit of thinking herself.
"What do you want?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"In life. What do you want? Besides going to the NHL, what do you want from life?"
"Besides that, I have everything I want."
I expect to see a flicker of confusion in Emily's eyes, wondering if she is included in that. My heart pulses with pride. Sweetness is no longer wondering if she is included. Finally, she has taken my words to heart. Her eyes gleam and her smile widens.
"I'm serious," she half laughs.
"So am I."
"You know what I think?"
"What?" I ask.
"I think you are filling my head with fibs. There has to be more to life that you want."
"I would never lie to you, Sweetness."
"Then answer me this," she interrupts.
I wait for her question patiently while she seems to be mulling it over. Turning her head, she looks at me. "What would your life be like if we were never paired together? Did you even know I existed before that?"
Her voice strained on that last question, and I can tell this is something to which she needs an answer. While worry fills her eyes, there is also a line of determination. She is going to make sure I tell her the truth. All the words I can say run around in my mind. I want to choose the right words to make sure she believes every one.
"I noticed you. I knew you existed, Sweetness. You want to know what my life would be like? My life would be filled with less laughter, fewer smiles, and heartache. I would still be struggling with my mom's death and my dad's drinking. I would be missing out on this love. Our love. Falling in love with you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I mean that, Sweetness. Don't you ever forget that you, and you alone, are my heart.
"Forever will I be wishing for more time with you. I'll wish for you and everything that you are. Do you know how much you mean to me, Sweetness?" She nods, but I must tell her. "You are my heart. You make it beat and keep me alive. When I can go no further, you pulse with life and push me forward. Sweetness, I would be a lifeless body without you."
Returning to her relaxed place, I feel her ribcage moving slowly as she struggles to contain herself. "I would still…"
"Ssh. Don't go there, Sweetness."
My hands run up and down her arms, which could easily circle her small arms. Movies play on the screen of the television, but neither of us are watching. Our eyes may be focused on the screen, but our minds are elsewhere. Mine is focused on what Emily could be thinking right now. Is she still stuck on the 'what if' of her past? I can only imagine what is running through her mind.
“Sweetness?”
“Mm?” The sound appears as if she may be half asleep.
“I love you.” I was going to ask her if she was okay, but different words flew from my mouth.
“I love you too, Jake.” She hesitates, but looks up at me. “Have I told you recently just how much I love you?”
Her hesitation threw me. Why was she delaying that question? Before I could answer, she spoke.
“What’s wrong?”