“I remember this one time. I was laying in bed, and I wasn't thinking, feeling, or moving. I was just there. I wasn't living, but simply existing. Almost like my brain was on autopilot. But then, my mother came in, swaying from the alcohol, and told me, 'If I die, please do not show your face at my funeral. I don't want to be disgraced after I'm gone. I'm already looking like shit because I'm stuck with you. No one wants you, not even your own parents. You should feel horrible that you are a bad daughter.'”
And I did. I questioned aloud to Jake how should I feel about myself, knowing that so easily, someone could tear me down to pieces.
“Sweetness, when someone means so much to you, it's easy for them to tear you down. You just have to decide if you are going to allow them to do that.”
“Are you saying, I allowed her to do that?”
“Not intentionally. I mean, think about it. Imagine the hurt you felt being a cut, and you didn't heal fast enough because your mother took a knife and kept digging into that wound. That's what I mean.”
I fall asleep after blabbering away about the pain my mother put me through while Jake runs his hands up and down my back in soothing comfort.
“Hey hon,” my dad says, as we step into the house.
“Hey Daddy,” I greet sweetly. He turns to look at me as the smile slides off his face, and he immediately looks at my hand. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and starts shaking his head. I knew I shouldn't have used that voice and call him Daddy.
“No. Y'all are not getting married. Not going to happen. Jake, I told you to put off proposing until she graduates. What the hell are you two thinking? Seriously? Y'all have been on and off since y'all have been together. And when it goes bad, it goes bad. You can't seriously think about marrying him, honey. Ever since the miscarriage, I can't help but think that you are no good for her, Jake. I'm sorry, but she's been through enough already and with you, she continues to go through shit.
“I only said you could marry her because I know that would make her happy. But I'm not so sure that it's a good idea anymore. Y'all are too young for this. Marriage is huge, and y'all are not ready for it. It will not happen.”
“Daddy,” I start, keeping my voice sugary sweet.
“Don't go there with me, Emily. I won't allow it.”
Anger sweeps through me and next thing I know, I'm yelling. It's incoherent to me because I'm consumed with raging anger. I push past Jake and run outside to my car. Shutting myself inside, fury blazes within me. As if in slow motion, Jake follows me. Once he is in the car, tires squeal as I head back to his house. I can't be there.
Everything pours out once I plop onto Jake's bed. Tears stream like a flood and Jake holds me tight. I don't understand. I begin to pour my little heart out. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and he thinks you are poison for me. I don't get it. Why can't he be happy for me? I mean, I just...”
“Sweetness, calm down.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I do as he says.
“Listen. Your dad sort of has a point. Marriage is a huge commitment.”
“But I want that.”
“I know you do, Sweetness. Just hear me out. You are his baby girl, and you have been through so much. Some of that is my fault. He's worried about you.”
“He doesn't want us to get married, Jake.”
“No, Sweetness. He wants us to wait. I told you that. Why are you surprised by this?”
I think hard about it, and I'm ashamed by my answer. “He always lets me do what I want.” Snuggling closer to Jake, I continue. “I'm a spoiled brat, aren't I? I just threw a tantrum because he wouldn't let me do what I wanted when I wanted.”
“You are not a spoiled brat. I don't call you Sweetness for kicks. Let's let him cool down a bit, and then we'll talk about it. Don't worry just yet.”
“I have an idea.” The crazy thought now runs rampant in my head.
“What's that, Sweetness?”
“Let's elope.”
20
Jake
What?
“Let me tell you something right now, Sweetness. If I'm going to marry you, it will be done just as it should be. With family and friends. If I'm going to marry you, we are going to have more than an eloped ceremony. I'm not marrying you unless we have a proper ceremony and your father's full approval.”