Back in the Soldier's Bed

Shannyn’s heart sank. He was right. Now that he knew about Emma, she had no basis of keeping him from her. Legally, she had no reason to deny him visitation. All she had were her own reservations which would matter very little in the overall scheme of things if he pressed his case. She decided to appeal to whatever sense of fatherly concern he might possess.

“I don’t want her upset.”

He put his hand into his trousers pocket and tilted his head, watching her closely. “Neither do I. I’m willing to let you name the terms of how this is facilitated. Within reason.”

“You are?” It was the last thing she’d expected from him, and she couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.

“You can tell her about me by yourself, if you wish. And we’ll meet wherever you think she’ll be most comfortable.” He balanced his weight on one leg and smiled thinly, a smile that seemed forced and manufactured for the moment.

“Thank you,” Shannyn breathed with relief.

“I don’t have any desire to traumatize her, Shannyn.” His jaw softened slightly. “I’m not in the habit of terrorizing children.”

“Of course not.” She dropped her eyes. After the initial blow-out, he was suddenly being remarkably reasonable. Appealing to him from Emma’s point of view had been the right course. He was exerting his rights, but at least he wasn’t blind to how this would affect Emma, not only himself.

“You have the weekend.” He straightened, putting his weight equally over his feet once more. “I’ll be in touch Monday, and we’ll talk then about how to move forward.”

Okay, scratch that. She met his gaze again and clenched her fingers. He was making it sound now like a business transaction, or an assignment.

“For someone who says I can handle this how I want, you’re being awfully dictatorial. It’s not some battle plan you’ve concocted.”

“I just want to make sure you don’t drag this out. It’s been six years. I think I have a right to have doubts about your…expediency.”

Shannyn felt like they were right back to the beginning of the argument again, and she didn’t want to rehash everything that had been said—and unsaid.

“Fine. But just so you know?” She lifted her chin. “Bossing me around really isn’t going to help your case any.”

Jonas stared down into her eyes and she struggled not to feel intimidated. In front of her now was a man accustomed to getting what he wanted. One who gave orders and had them followed. One way or another. But she was going to do this on her terms. It didn’t matter what it took, she’d go toe to toe with him, for Emma’s sake. Protecting herself right now came second to making sure Emma remained unhurt through everything.

She got the feeling the battle was going to be draining. In more ways than one.

“The weekend, Shannyn.” The words were softly spoken but she was left in no doubt of their sincerity. “I’ll be in touch on Monday.”

He spun on his heel and walked away, his gait lopsided from his injury.

Shannyn went back to the bench and sat down heavily. How on earth was she going to find the words to tell her baby that she had a daddy after all?

She chose the backyard because that was the place Emma was most comfortable and happy. They didn’t have a huge yard, but what they did have was lush with green grass and a perfect place to play. A white fence separated them from the neighbours and in one corner, Shannyn had put a small flower bed and herb garden, as well as Emma’s outdoor toys and a playhouse.

Today Shannyn felt the need to be outside in the fresh air, not cooped up in a room where she found it hard to breathe. Every time she thought of how she’d say the words to Emma, her heart faltered. In her mind she’d gone over and over what sorts of questions Emma might have, and how she’d answer them so a five-year old would understand. She’d thought about it so much that here it was Sunday afternoon and still she hadn’t done it.

But Jonas would call tomorrow. She was sure of it. And if she hadn’t told Emma by the time he did, she knew Jonas would make things very difficult.

“Honey, you want a popsicle?” Shannyn called out to Emma who was pumping her legs and swinging on the second-hand swing set Shannyn had bought at a yard sale last spring.

“Okay.” The legs stopped pumping and the swing slowed until Emma popped off and landed on the grass.

It felt more like August than June today. Mellow warmth soaked through Shannyn’s T-shirt and heated her legs. It was the kind of day that made her wish she were out boating on the river or lying on the beach at the lake. For a minute she got caught in memories of Jonas, a Jonas who was less jaded and more carefree, squidging his toes in the sand at the beach as she lay in his arms. Those days had been so wonderful. She’d felt…loved. Cherished. And the sex…it had been amazing. Jonas had been an attentive and generous lover.

But that didn’t matter anymore. The reality was that she was supposed to be having a life-altering discussion with her baby, who wasn’t so much of a baby anymore.

She handed over the popsicle and patted the seat of the picnic table.

Emma hopped up and Shannyn smiled down at her dark head as she licked the popsicle. Everything she’d done in these past years had been for Emma, to give her the kind of life every child deserved. One filled with love and fun and most of all, stability. Different from the one she’d had. Her number one priority had been to protect Emma. To do what she thought was best. Now she had to undo everything with a simple conversation and turn her little girl’s life upside down.

How did she even begin?

Emma slurped happily at her popsicle. Shannyn realized that the abbreviated version of things she’d given Emma hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t said anything at all until Emma started pre-school and started noticing her friends had mommies and daddies. Or that they lived with their mommy and saw their daddies on weekends. When the question arose, she had given Emma the short version. That her daddy didn’t know that she was born and that Shannyn didn’t know where he was right now. And then she’d reinforced how happy and good their life was. It had never been her intention that Emma would find her life lacking in any way. And Emma had accepted her answers like any young child would. With trust.