Back in the Soldier's Bed

She looked up. The playhouse was too small for him to go inside. He tried squatting by the door and the pain took his breath away. He finally rested his weight on his knees, bracing his hands on the miniature wood door frame.

“Emma, I’m so sorry for what just happened. It’s not your fault.”

“I hurt you.” The words came, tiny and contrite.

The knowledge that she blamed herself touched him. He knew how that felt, only in his case, the self-blame was deserved. But Emma hadn’t known of his wound, he was sure of it.

“No honey, you didn’t. I was hurt a long time ago, and you didn’t know. It was bad luck that you grabbed the wrong spot on my leg, that’s all.”

“How did you get hurt?”

Jonas swallowed against all the pain that came with that question. Being here now was heart-wrenching enough. How did he explain it all to an innocent girl? One who deserved a more perfect world than the one she was inheriting?

“I was in an accident about a year ago. It was a long way away from here and I was in the hospital for a few months. And it is getting better. Now I just have to exercise and keep seeing the therapist. That’s why you saw me at your mommy’s office.”

“Oh.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Emma. I think you feel badly and that makes me sad. I wanted us to meet and be smiling.”

Emma’s eyes cleared and her knees came down from her chest. “Me too.”

He held out his right hand as if introducing himself. “Let’s start over. Hi Emma. My name’s Jonas and I’m your daddy.”

He hadn’t known how those words would actually make him feel until he said them. They cracked the shell he’d constructed around his heart, letting in little beams of love. He was someone’s father. She was a part of him. And she was beautiful.

She rose from the bench and took his large, calloused hand in her smaller soft one. “I’m Emma. I’m pleased to meet you, Daddy.”

When she smiled, she looked like Shannyn. So much of him was in her looks, but the smile and the freckles were all her mother. He shook her hand gently.

“I think if you were to try hugging me again, you wouldn’t hurt me.”

When her arms went around his neck, he put his around her and squeezed.

So much over the last year had convinced him that life was devoid of hope. Of beauty. Of tenderness. Somehow, by some miracle, one hug from his unknown daughter changed all that. Because in her embrace he knew beauty, and tenderness, and most of all, the elusive glimmer of hope.

When they released each other, his smile was genuine. “That was a first-class hug,” he praised. “Now, I think your mom is probably worried about us. Let’s go back and get this barbecue underway. I think I saw hamburgers.”

He pushed himself to his feet, took her hand in his, marveling at the innocent trust in the simple clasp, especially after he’d frightened her so. Together they walked back across the lawn towards Shannyn.

Shannyn had waited for them to return from the playhouse. She must have decided to come after them, because as they turned the corner of the playhouse, she took only a few steps and halted. Emma held his hand, walking slower than usual in deference to his contracted gait.

Shannyn’s fingers lifted to her lips. He could see the tremble there, could see the soft shine of tears on her lashes and for a moment he forgot about his injury and all the reasons why it was wrong. For a few blissful seconds, he was the man he’d wanted to be for her all those years ago.

For a brief flash, the bitterness of the past disintegrated and he felt larger than life. Like a man coming home to his family. A child’s pure handclasp and a waiting woman.

It wasn’t just Emma who was bringing back to life the feelings he’d locked away. It was Shannyn. He understood her coldness and fear. He’d experienced his share of it. Right or wrong, she’d built a life and now she was having to deal with the consequences, and the strain showed on her. But in those moments she forgot, she was the Shan he remembered. There’d been times when their eyes met that he felt sure their connection was still strong.

He had no clue how he was going to maintain a relationship with his daughter while keeping Shannyn at arm’s length. He wasn’t the man for her. Not anymore. He’d made his choice and to change his mind would only be unfair to her. He wouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep.

What woman would want half a man? He couldn’t help the limp that took him closer to her with every step.

As they reached the patio, he wished for the first time that they could go back to that summer and do things differently. But there would be no going back. She’d broken faith with him with her lies. Maybe the attraction was still there, but there was no escaping that she’d kept his own child a secret from him for nearly six years.

He looked down at Emma, holding his hand with the simple trust of innocence. For her, somehow, he and Shannyn would have to find a way to work through this. He was here now, and he was here to stay.

Shannyn blinked back the tears that had gathered as they approached. She’d been wrong, she realized. Jonas had said it, but somehow she hadn’t believed him. She’d thought her reasons had been justified. But seeing them together now, their hands joined, the beam of pure bliss on Emma’s face, only slightly brighter than the one on Jonas’s… She shouldn’t have kept Emma from him all these years. She should have told him and dealt with the consequences then and there instead of putting it off, pretending it would never happen.

“Mama, this is my daddy,” Emma announced as they met Shannyn in front of the patio blocks.