Back in the Soldier's Bed

Shannyn folded her hands in front of her. “Yes, I am. For one, Emma asks questions like a normal five-year-old. Like when you’re coming over again. When she’ll see you. What you’ll do together. I don’t know how to answer her, and that’s not fair. It’s confusing to her.”

“But you must have gotten my message. About this weekend.”

Shannyn nodded, wary of rushing the conversation, wanting to make sure she got it right. It was good that Jonas was excited about spending time with Emma, but she couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that Jonas was facing his own demons right now and that it would be better if they spent time together with Shannyn around. If they set up boundaries, it would help her as much as it helped Emma. It would be easier if she knew and could prepare, rather than be hit with seeing him out of the blue.

“Yes, of course I got your message. And it was a reminder to me that we should talk this out, decide how we’re going to proceed. I think your visitation should have structure.”

“You’re setting restrictions.”

She bit down on her lip. Perhaps she was, but that wasn’t exactly how she meant it to be. “I’m not trying to stiff you on time with her, Jonas. It’s just…I’m not sure I’m comfortable with your plans for this weekend. I think it should be…”

“Supervised time.” He finished the sentence flatly.

She sighed. “Can we sit down and talk about this? All this standing and gawking and I feel like we’re going head-to-head or something.”

He motioned towards the single item of furniture—the battered couch—and she sat down, comfortable until he took the cushion farthest away from her.

“Like I said—supervised time.” He didn’t let go of his point.

“Unless you can show me that I can trust you with her.”

She held her breath for a moment, expecting him to lose his cool. Her fingers dug into the edge of the cushions. This wasn’t going at all like she’d hoped.

“You don’t trust me. God, Shan. You should know I’d never do anything to hurt Emma.” His eyes pinned her, hotly accusing. “Is that really what you think of me?”

Her fingers relaxed slightly, but she wasn’t sure how to proceed. It wasn’t a matter of trusting him per se. She knew he’d never do anything to hurt Emma, not intentionally. Some of her doubts had to do with the changes in him, and she knew to broach the topic was to push a hot button.

But she also knew that many of her reservations had to do with herself and how she felt about being near him so often. It had been difficult enough, having Emma as a constant reminder of how much she’d loved him. Now, to see him in the flesh on a regular basis, each time cut her a little deeper. It didn’t get easier. Quite the opposite. Being with him reminded her both of how she’d felt about him and how little had changed. Maybe she wasn’t still in love with him, but she remembered how that felt, and the physical attraction was still there, like muscle memory.

“If you were in my shoes, would you let her go so easily? Look at this rationally. I don’t doubt your intentions, not at all.” She angled herself on the couch, scared to face him yet knowing she must. Knowing she had to say the hard words. “Six years ago, you left and never looked back. And now you’re here. You’ve discovered you have a daughter. I don’t doubt your motives with regards to Emma. But you hate me for keeping her from you, and you are a different man. You can deny it all you want, but it’s true. Something has changed you, and until I understand what and how it will affect Emma, the visits will be supervised.”

He got up from the couch. “So what, I get to visit her at your house a few nights a week? What kind of father would that make me?”

“What kind of father do you want to be?”

She’d asked herself that same question all day. His message hadn’t even asked for a reply. He’d just said he would b

e there Saturday at one o’clock. It had sounded like an order, not an invitation. She’d been tempted to call but decided a personal visit would be better.

How did he see himself as a father? She’d wondered about it all the while she’d been at work and had gotten his address from his file. What did he want out of his relationship with his daughter? Wondered all the while she’d stopped at home to change into her favourite jeans and top, knowing she was going to see him again. Asked it as she’d dropped Emma off for a play date at Lisa’s and as she’d stood in the foyer of his apartment building for a full ten minutes before ringing the security buzzer. What kind of father did Jonas want to be? A part time one? Full time? She remembered the way he’d looked at her as he’d come across the lawn with Emma’s hand in his. Did he want to be one that sent presents on birthdays and Christmas or one that included a wife and mother? It was the last that caught her every time. Six years ago, she might have accepted an offer like that. But she looked at him and could honestly say she didn’t think she could trust him not to break her heart all over again. She didn’t know how to compete with his career.

“Are you serious? What kind of father do I want to be?” He got up and started to pace, his gait only slightly uneven. “You’re asking questions I don’t know how to answer. I just go through this day to day, trying to make sense of everything. I’m sorry but my ‘big picture’ is slightly myopic right now!”

Shannyn took a deep breath, trying not to rise to the bait. “That’s what I want to find out. How do you see this playing out? How involved do you want to be in Emma’s life?”

He faced her squarely. “I want to be her father and everything that entails.”

“It’s not all bedtime stories and barbecues. Sometimes it’s really hard. So you need to decide what sort of a commitment you can make to her. I don’t want to get her hopes up only to have you decide it’s too much and back away.”

“You think I’d do that?”

“Your commitment record is a little shaky.”

“Say what you mean. My commitment record is shaky with you.”

Heat bloomed in her neck, making its way up to her cheeks. He was right. He’d never had a problem committing to the army or his unit. He’d run from her. She needed to remember that.

“We need to settle this, Jonas.”