Back in the Soldier's Bed

She stopped before a coffee shop and opened the door, her hair swinging in the breeze as she looked over her shoulder. “You coming?”

He followed her inside and looked around. It certainly wasn’t his normal type of establishment. Trendy décor, drinks with long, nearly unpronounceable names. It looked to be a place more suited to poetry readings than a quick cup of joe.

“Jonas? Aren’t you going to order?”

He stepped up to the counter, looked at the woman in the plain apron and dared, “Large coffee. Black.”

A minute later they picked up their drinks and Shannyn led them to a table in the corner.

“This wasn’t what I had in mind when I said a quick cup of coffee.”

She smiled at him, but it seemed frail around the edges. “I know.”

Not knowing how to answer that, he took a sip from his cup. For all the atmosphere wasn’t his style, they did know how to brew a good cup of coffee. Shannyn dropped her eyes and sipped on her iced drink, then made circles with her straw.

“Jonas, I wanted to talk because…because something is obviously happening between us, and we owe it to Emma to make sure there’s as little confusion as possible.”

Her logic made sense, but he saw through it. She looked a little too earnest, too innocent. He never should have kissed her the other day. It had sent the wrong message and he’d been foolish to act so impulsively. She wanted more. He could sense it.

“This isn’t about pinning me down to some sort of expectation, then.”

She had the grace to look uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat and looked down at her plastic cup again.

“Shan, I told you the other day. You want answers and I don’t have them. Kissing you was a mistake.” He folded his hands on the table before him. “Both times. Because there can’t be anything between us.”

“But there is something between us. Emma.” Shannyn leaned forward, imploring.

“And I want to do the right thing by her and be a good father. But you and me…it wouldn’t work. I hurt you badly when I left. And you destroyed my faith in you when you lied to me. We can’t just pretend that doesn’t exist.”

Jonas had to look away after he said it. He wasn’t good at lying to her face. Whether or not there should be more to their relationship was irrelevant. There already was. The kisses proved it.

She s

tudied her straw for a few moments. “I knew you were going to say that.”

How could he make her understand without telling her more than he should? There was so much inside of him for her, and it was all so jumbled together that to even attempt anything would be like trying to untangle a ball of string. One complication would get sorted and another knot would present itself. Why would he put them all through it?

The best way for him to protect them was to keep their image of him perfect. He knew the things he’d done, the regrets he had. There was no way he wanted to put those on Shannyn or Emma. Even if Shannyn didn’t understand it, he knew it was the right thing.

“You have to understand, I’m not the same person I was then. I’m…I’ve seen and done a lot of things over the years. Things that mean I’ll never be the same. It wouldn’t be fair to you to bring all that to the table in addition to everything else.”

She looked up at him, sipping her drink. He wished she’d say something so he could rid himself of the feeling that he was getting in over his head. But she stayed quiet, forcing him to keep talking to avoid empty silence.

“And what would happen, if we took things further and then it all fell apart? Who’s the real casualty going to be then? Emma.”

He felt momentarily guilty for that statement. Shannyn had used Emma’s presence as protection only moments before and now he was doing the same thing. The truth of the matter was that he knew he’d end up hurt. Worse, he’d hurt Shannyn again and that was the last thing he wanted. It had hurt badly enough the first time. And not just her. Him, too. “I think it would be better for everyone if we were just friends.”

He was finished. To his mind there was nothing more to say.

She pushed the drink aside, studied her fingers for a few seconds before looking up. She was so beautiful. Gazing into her youthful, hopeful face he felt old and world-weary. He could see what she wanted, even if she denied it to herself. She wanted the fairy tale. The happily-ever-after. And he was the last person on earth to give it to her.

Fairy tales were just that. Tales. They didn’t exist. They were there to give false hope in a world that was darker than even she realized.

“What about the kisses?” Her voice ached with sweetness, and he wished things were different. That he could just forget it all and love her like she wanted.

“A hang-on from the past, that’s all.”

It had the desired effect: her eyes dropped and shoulders relaxed.