Back in the Soldier's Bed

“Daddy! We got the bag!”

Jonas came out of the memory with a start and struggled to appear normal. Normal. That was a joke.

Shannyn reached the blanket, and he knew he hadn’t covered up completely because her expression clearly said she knew something was up.

“Emma, why don’t you go look at the ducks for a moment while I talk to Jonas? We’ll have a snack soon.”

Emma went closer to the bank, creeping up on the ducks and gulls that were in the grass. Her giggles reached Jonas’s ears and he took long breaths, forcing himself to relax.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” She didn’t need to know what he’d been remembering. Besides, it was over now. And this time the memory had been shorter and he’d snapped back quickly. Maybe it was getting better after all.

“Your leg’s all right?”

“Seriously, Shan. I’m fine. I’m just glad to be here.”

She took her place back on the blanket, stretching out her legs and drinking in the summer sun. “Your physiotherapy is helping. I noticed at your appointment, and watching you walk today.”

Jonas squinted through the sun to look at her, her blond hair gleaming, her slim legs crossed at the ankle. She’d painted her toenails a ripe, berry red. It helped to rid himself of the memory of Chris Parker. “Emma is helping more.”

Just as he said it, Emma plopped down on the blanket next to his knee. “I’m thirsty.”

Jonas slapped his leg, ridding himself of the glumness. “Know what? So am I. I wonder what’s in this bag, anyway.”

He handed Emma the bag and let her root through it. “Mama! There’s lemonade! The pink kind!”

He grinned as Emma pulled out a bottle. “We’d better open it before it gets warm.”

Shannyn watched the two of them with a lump in her throat. His fingers unscrewed the cap on the bottle before handing it to Emma and then ruffling her hair. Jonas frightened her on so many levels, but seeing how he responded to Emma touched her deeply. He’d come back and had started making demands, never asking, always expecting his orders to be followed. He’d been cold and autocratic. She supposed his training had taught him that. And naturally she balked at being told what to do. She’d been doing the parent thing single-handedly for years. But at times like this, she forgot about the orders and saw behind them to the kind, generous man who was trying hard to be a dad.

Emma reached into the bag and pulled out a paper-wrapped package before plunking herself back on Jonas’s lap.

Jonas’s penchant for bossiness wasn’t what scared her. What scared her most were moments like these. Normal family moments. Moments she deeply wanted for Emma, but ones that were dangerous for her. She couldn’t let fancy get the best of her. Like now, when his low laugh reached her ears. The way the muscles corded when Emma tripped and he caught her in his arms. Remembering those arms wrapped around her. Realizing how much she still wanted it automatically led to the fear that she’d lose it again. Getting over the heartbreak once had been bad enough. Jonas had said himself he could offer no guarantees. And she knew she couldn’t move forward without them. No matter how many times she went through this in her head, the answer was always the same: friends. Co-parents.

“Shan?”

Jonas held out his hand to her, even that simple gesture tying them together. “I brought sandwiches.”

“You mean, you brought a picnic,” she teased, but her smile was weak. Jonas had thought of everything, it seemed. It pleased her but threw her off her stride. Usually she was the one looking after details like snacks and blankets.

“I came prepared.” He flashed a grin at her.

His grin was like a bolt of lightning, reaching into her and bringing her to life. It made it seem like Jonas had never been away. Even though she knew that friends was absolutely the right thing to do, she also recognized that it wouldn’t take much and her heart would be completely lost all over again. And that terrified her. There were still so many questions between them that were unanswered. Answers she wanted to share with him but that he was unwilling to give. And a niggling fear that if she knew the truth, maybe he was right. Maybe she wouldn’t look at him in the same way.

He still held out the sandwich and wiggled his eyebrows at her. In all the times she’d seen him since he’d returned, never had he been this mellow, this approachable. Maybe he was feeling as comfortable in their new “friend” capacity as she was uncomfortable. She took the paper packet from his hand and unwrapped it. “You sure did.”

For minutes they munched quietly. Emma sat in the vee of Jonas’s outstretched legs, her head leaning back against his chest. He lifted one arm and pointed out over the river at a duck taking off; Emma’s finger raised and followed the same path. When Emma’s glowing face turned to say something, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead as laughter shook his chest.

There was no denying it now. He was a part of Emma’s life and by extension, hers too. And somehow she would have to find a way to fortify her heart against him. Keep the status quo. Make sure nobody got hurt. Establish themselves as friends, like he wanted. The surest way to her heart wasn’t with pretty speeches, or flowers, or any of the traditional trappings. Seeing him with Emma, seeing how he naturally responded to her, touched Shannyn in a profound way.

But he didn’t love her. She thought now that perhaps he never had. So she’d have to bury her own emotions if it came to that.

The very thought seemed laughable. She could never be just friends with Jonas. Feelings would always get in the way.

The loudspeaker crackled and an unseen emcee’s voice echoed over the riverbank.

Shannyn watched the show quietly, absorbing the way Jonas put his arm around Emma to point out features of the different aircraft. There were small bi-planes and single engine private craft. A pair of old World War Two bombers flew up the river in formation, their engines rumbling loudly. Jonas laughed when Emma put her hands over her ears as the CF-18’s did a fly-by, and when she laughed at the painted nose of the A-10 as it screamed past.