“Jonas,” Shannyn said, reaching over and gripping his arm.
He turned his head, his eyes unfocused.
“Park! No!” He gave a mighty shout and leaped to his feet.
Without saying a single word more, he ran up the embankment towards the truck.
Shannyn pulled back as if burned, shocked by his outburst and frightened, not for herself but for him. She knew without a doubt that he hadn’t seen her when he’d looked into her eyes. She wanted to race after him, but she had Emma to worry about. “Honey, you pack up the food and I’ll get the blanket, okay?” She ignored the stares of people around them and hastily folded the green blanket, gathering it and Jonas’s jacket in her arms.
“What’s wrong with Daddy?”
Shannyn gripped Emma’s hand tightly. This was what she’d wanted to avoid. Putting Emma through any sort of stress. She should have known at their first meeting, when Emma had hit his leg. She should have known when he had those moments when time seemed to stop completely. Now Emma’s face mirrored her own—concerned and frightened. Shannyn was torn between concern for Emma and worry for Jonas.
She paused a moment, squatted before Emma because she didn’t know what frame of mind he’d be in when they got to the truck.
“I don’t know for sure, Emma. But I think your Daddy has some very bad memories. And I think that helicopter today reminded him of something bad and he got scared.”
“Daddies don’t get scared.”
Shannyn pulled her into a quick hug.
“Yes, honey, they sometimes do.” She pulled away and held Emma by the arms, fighting to keep her own hands from trembling. “Mommies and Daddies. Now, when we get back to the truck, Daddy might still be upset. So you’re going to do exactly what I tell you, okay?”
“Yes, Mama,” Emma replied meekly.
When Shannyn got there, Jonas was hanging on to the tailgate with one hand, his other hand braced on his thigh and his head hanging.
She approached carefully. “Jonas?”
When he looked up at her, all the colour was drained from his face. Somehow he looked smaller. But he was reachable, she realized. She let out the breath she’d been holding.
“Emma, Daddy’s fine. I’m going to talk to him, so you sit up in the truck, okay?”
She got Emma settled with the remainder of the lemonade. Behind them, the emcee’s voice was muffled through the speakers.
“What happened?”
Jonas took long, restorative breaths, but they didn’t help. Fear and shame overwhelmed him. Each day he went to work he told himself he was getting better. Even today, after the first flash, he’d convinced himself it was all fine. But it was a lie.
He’d told himself the debriefing he’d had with the shrink in Germany had been enough. Another lie. Never before had he had two episodes in the same day. Not even dealing with live fire exercises on base. It was something else and he couldn’t put his finger on what was different now. It had been almost a year. Things were supposed to get better, not worse!
It had been easier when he hadn’t felt anything. But lately…seeing Shannyn, remembering how he’d loved her, and now becoming involved with his daughter…he was feeling again. And feeling something meant feeling everything. Not just the here and now, and not just trying to fight his attraction to Shannyn. But everything he’d denied himself for nearly a year. Guilt, grief, resentment. Love.
Now she was waiting for him to explain, and he had no idea what to tell her.
“I need a minute.” He took more breaths, willing his heart rate to calm completely as he searched for words.
“All right.”
She couldn’t understand. Didn’t know what it was like out there. No one did unless they’d been through it. And who could he talk to? The only one who understood him was Parker. And Parker was gone. Jonas closed his eyes, flooded with guilt and without the will to fight it.
She waited patiently for him, leaning against the door of the truck and slowly he felt control slipping back, giving him enough strength to move out of the moment. He couldn’t believe she was still standing there and not running. He remembered the feeling of thinking he was going to bleed to death and how his last thought had been that maybe he’d made a mistake leaving her. It was selfish. It had been selfish then and it was selfish now, but as the paralyzing fear drained away, all he was left with was need. For her.
When he looked into her face, it was with apology in every fiber.
“I am so sorry. What you must think…”
“We can worry about what I t