Back in the Soldier's Bed

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, not looking at her.

“No,” she answered strongly. “No more sorry. You needed to get it out.”

“I wanted to spare you the ugly parts. I didn’t want you to know.”

Shannyn rested her hand on his cheek and peered into his face. “But I wanted to share them with you. I’m glad you told me. It explains so much. It’s going to get better now, you’ll see.”

He put his hand over top of hers and she smiled up at him. “I can’t promise to understand all of it. I wasn’t there. But I’ll do my best. It’s going to get better,” she repeated. “That I can promise.”

He sighed, pursing his lips and looking away. “It already it is better. I’m the one that’s alive. He isn’t.”

“And punishing yourself won’t bring him back.” She put her right hand on his other cheek, forcing him to look into her eyes. “I still think you need to talk to a professional. Someone who knows how to deal in this particular area of trauma.”

“I don’t need a shrink to tell me what I need, Shan. Spouting a bunch of gobbledygook about touchy feely.”

“Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, then?”

He pulled away from her hands. “You know what? I can’t think of that now. It’s been such a rollercoaster day. Right now I’m just tired.”

Shannyn suppressed a sigh. One conversation was not going to fix this and make everything all right for him. It would take time. He needed time. She knew that sharing as much as he had had to have been exhausting. She merely nodded.

“Of course you are.”

“I should talk to Emma, though. I don’t want her last memory of today being that of me flipping out.” He sighed. “You and me…we’ve talked about it. You understand. But Emma doesn’t.”

Shannyn was glad. Not only for Emma—it was good that he was considering their daughter’s feelings—but for herself. It would be a way to keep him close a little longer today. To perhaps convince him to get the help he needed.

“Why don’t you lie down in the living room and rest? I’ll go get Emma from Patty’s in a bit, and we’ll have a quiet dinner together. The three of us.” She put her hands in the pockets of her shorts and tried to sound normal.

“That sounds good. More than good.” He attempted a small smile and nearly succeeded.

“It’s the least I can do. And I agree. I think it’s important for Emma to see you again, to see that you’re okay.” She hesitated. “Jonas…you promise you won’t leave?” She didn’t quite trust him. She could very well go to pick up Emma and come home to an empty house.

“Are you kidding? If I tried to pull that, you’d be at my door in ten minutes.”

Shannyn laughed. “Yes, I would. Besides, I think we could both use a regular evening after the events of the day.”

“You’re probably right. I’ll lie down for a bit and then we’ll have dinner and I’ll make it up to Emma for ruining her afternoon.”

When Shannyn came back with Emma, Jonas was asleep on the couch, his body so long that his feet hung over the curved arm at the end. One arm was bent and under his head, the opposite hand resting on the cushions in front of his abdomen.

When he slept, his troubles all seemed to vanish from his face. Like when he’d met Corporal Benner, he seemed younger. Freer.

“Daddy’s sleeping,” she whispered to Emma, holding her hand. For some reason, the word Daddy no longer seemed foreign on her tongue. It belonged. Like Jonas did.

She knelt down before Emma and squeezed her hand. “Let’s make him a special supper, okay? And we’ll all eat together and have ice cream sandwiches for dessert.”

Emma nodded enthusiastically. “Can we make hotdogs?”

Shannyn laughed. To a five-year-old, hotdogs did constitute a special meal. “Sure pumpkin. Hotdogs it is. And maybe a potato salad and your favorite veggies and dip.”

At Emma’s broad smile Shannyn put on her mock stern face. “But this is a team effort, young lady. You’ve got to pull your weight.”

“Yes ma’am,” Emma replied. She

giggled. “That’s what Daddy says.”

Shannyn pulled Emma in for a hug. Jonas, with all his problems, was already becoming a part of the family, an influence on Emma’s life. And this was only the beginning. She had no idea where things were going to lead with him. No matter how he denied it, his kisses didn’t lie, not even when he used them to protect himself from being open and vulnerable. The connection she felt didn’t lie. The fact that he trusted her with the truth, and that she was beginning to trust him more every day, brought them closer together. It complicated everything.