Back in the Soldier's Bed

“What is it?”

Jonas looked into her eyes. She wondered again if she saw remorse in his hazel depths or if she only imagined it. He held her gaze for a long time, reached out and squeezed her free hand, then pulled away and cleared his throat.

“I want you both to know that I might not be around as much for a while.”

Shannyn put down what was left of her sandwich, blindly wiping her fingers on a paper napkin. What was left of her appetite had diminished completely. This was it then. She’d overstepped after all, and he was backing away. After all that had happened, he was clearing out. Just like last time.

“Why, Daddy?” Emma voiced the question for both of them.

Jonas smiled at Emma, a wistful turn of his lips. “You know my dream today? I get them a lot. And your Mom and I think it would be good if I got some help.”

“Help from who?” Emma took a bite of her sandwich, her eyebrows raised in innocent curiosity.

“Help from a doctor, sweetheart.”

Shannyn’s heart gave a solid thump. He had meant it then. He was going to get help. She was glad. Glad for him, but selfishly couldn’t help but think that if she were interpreting right, he was doing it alone. She’d begged him to do it, but now couldn’t help but feel left behind.

They’d come so far, and they’d done it together. Sometimes fighting, sometimes crying, but he’d shared it with her. She didn’t quite understand why he was withdrawing from them now. Perhaps her heart would be safer, but not Emma’s. She balled up the napkin, fussing with it, wanting to ask the questions but knowing they needed to be voiced in private, not in front of Emma.

“Do you have to go away for that? Will he give you a needle?”

Jonas laughed. “No, and I hope not.”

“Then why are not going to be here?” Her lips formed a tiny pout. “I start soccer this week. I wanted you to come.”

Thank you, Emma, Shannyn thought. She was wondering the same thing. Why did getting help preclude him being with them? She knew that if she were to ask, he’d find a way to avoid answering. It was harder for him to put off Emma’s innocent questions.

Jonas got up from his side of the table and moved over to sit beside Emma. He took her sticky hand in his. “I’m not going to be gone completely. I just won’t be here regularly. I need some time to figure things out, that’s all. So I can get better, and be a better Daddy to you.” He halted, then lifted his hand and grazed her cheek with a finger. “I don’t want what happened today to happen again. It hurt me to see you scared.” His eyes darted up to Shannyn’s. “To see you both scared.”

Shannyn saw the logic in what he was saying even as her heart rebelled against it. It was a responsible thing to do, she supposed. She wanted him well, she truly did. But she didn’t understand his need to avoid them while he was doing it. They could help him, she was sure of it. He’d already said that Emma helped him. What she’d feared would come true. He’d withdraw and she’d be left to answer Emma’s questions about why Daddy wasn’t around.

Emma wasn’t the only one who would miss him. Shannyn admitted to herself what she wouldn’t to another soul. She would miss Jonas; the sound of his voice, the way he diddled his knee even without realizing he was doing it. The way he ran his hand over the stubble of his military cut or rubbed his bad leg when he got upset.

“I’m sure your Daddy will come for visits, honey.” Her eyes fell on Jonas, telegraphing a look that said, you’d better.

She wished she could read his thoughts. When his gaze locked with hers, they seemed to acknowledge what she’d said. And when he spoke, he spoke to her, even though the words were meant for Emma.

“I’m not leaving you. That I promise.”

Her heart lifted. He meant all he said. She was suddenly sure of it.

There was still so much to say. She longed to know what he was going to do, when she would see him again.

“Let’s take this stuff inside and run you a bath, Emma. You’re sticky from one end to the other.”

“I’ll get it,” Jonas offered. He stood and began piling dishes on the tray. “You get Emma in the tub.” He smiled at Emma. “Then I’ll read you a story before bed.”

When Shannyn came back downstairs, he was putting the supper mess away. It felt right, having him there in her kitchen. She smiled a little, remembering how she’d first considered him an intruder into their lives. But now…now she was beginning to believe she could trust him to keep his word. He was getting the help he needed. He was taking a genuine interest in Emma. She couldn’t ask for more than that.

“Thanks for tidying up.”

He turned from the sink. “You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do after the day I put you through.”

“What are you going to do now, Jonas?” She leaned against the breakfast nook.

“I don’t know.”

That made her frown. “But you think withdrawing from us is a good idea?”