Back in the Soldier's Bed

It was odd, feeling so connected to someone he’d never met. “I’ve had some trouble getting over what happened,” he admitted, surprised he was able to talk about it without feeling like he was strangling. “So I drove down to see him. To apologize. That sounds stupid,” he finished.

Nessa put her hand on his arm. “Not at all. You never got to say goodbye. I can’t imagine what you went through. If this is what you need to move on…”

“But you lost a fiancé. A future. I’m so sorry for that.” Despite counseling, he still couldn’t completely erase the feeling of responsibility that haunted him for denying this woman a husband.

She smiled at him then, a soft understanding. “It wasn’t your fault. I know that. It was what happened and he’s gone. He lived for the army. I knew it and wanted him not even despite it, but maybe even because of it. It was so much of who he was.” Her soft eyes shone with the love she still felt. “I’ve accepted it, Jonas.”

“But knowing what you know now, would you have done it? Would you have been with him knowing he would be killed?”

The question had been on his mind a lot lately. Being with Shannyn, all the old feelings being renewed, had made him wonder about the woman Chris had left behind. Nessa was a living example of exactly what Jonas had tried to protect Shannyn from. He’d done what he thought he had to do, what was best. But now he was more involved in Shannyn’s life than before. He had a daughter, and he was beginning to doubt everything he’d believed. Was starting to think he’d had it all wrong in the first place.

She hugged her arms around herself. “Yes, I would. Even with the pain…loving him was beautiful. I’m grateful for the time we had. I wouldn’t trade a second of it. He made me a better person.”

She faced the grave, a wistful smile curving her lips. “He was the most alive person I ever knew. Yes, it hurts. It still does and I think of him every day. But my life was better for having him in it. And I know he wouldn’t want me to grieve forever. He’d want me to go on and have a fabulous life. To be happy. So I try to spend every day living up to that.”

Jonas swallowed. It was simple and the most beautiful tribute he’d ever heard. It fit his memories of Chris perfectly.

Nessa reached down and took his hand, lifting it up between them. “Do you think he’d want anything less for you, Jonas? You, his best friend? Do you think he’d want you to spend your life blaming yourself? Denying yourself happiness because you feel guilty that you’re here and he’s not?”

Jonas choked on a laugh while tears filled his eyes. “He’d tell me to shut up and get on with it. And probably a few other choice words.”

“Then why aren’t you?”

He stared into her eyes. Why wasn’t he? She was right. She was absolutely right. What sort of tribute was he paying his friend? Chris would say he was alive but not living and he’d be right.

There were two people back in Fredericton who deserved more than he’d been giving. He’d been foolish to try to engineer things in the first place. He’d played God with Shannyn’s life thinking he was doing the right thing, but he knew now he’d been wrong. He held on to the anger about Emma’s paternity to avoid facing the fact that his feelings for her hadn’t changed at all. Tried putting all the blame on her to keep her at arm’s length. But the truth was, he wasn’t really that mad about it anymore. They’d both spent so long being afraid that it was all they knew.

He had to see her. Had to tell her what he’d really done six years ago when he’d left for Edmonton, and tell her he was sorry. Knowing it, and for once not being afraid of it gave him a sense of freedom he hadn’t known for many years.

He turned to Nessa, who was watching him with a broad smile.

As everything became crystal clear, his lips curved up in response. “You are one hell of a woman. Chris always said so and now I know he was right. You have no idea what you’ve just done for me.” He let out a giant breath. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Be happy, Jonas,” she replied, leaning up and kissing his cheek. “Chris would want that for you.”

Jonas turned back to the monument and lift

ed his hand in salute. His chest filled, his back straightened, his chin lifted.

When he passed Nessa, he put a hand on her shoulder, then broke into a jog as he headed out the gate and back to the woman he loved.

Chapter 13

Amidst the happy shouts and whistles, he saw Shannyn. On the sidelines of the field, clapping her hands, engrossed in the game. The dying sun gleamed off her hair, warmed the skin of her arms to an amber glow. For a few moments Jonas watched, saw Emma running up the field in her yellow and white shirt, following the ball, joined by a handful of identically dressed children.

He’d made so many mistakes. So many decisions based on fear and not enough based on faith. And in the face of it all she’d somehow found the strength to help him when she thought he needed it.

What made him qualified to decide what was best for Shannyn? He’d loved her all along and had pushed her away out of fear. Not anymore. He’d been gone for too long. Six long years they’d wasted.

He was home. They were his and he was theirs. It was time he started taking the steps to claim them.

As if she could read his thoughts, she turned, her body suddenly backlit by the sunset, golden and gorgeous.

He had so much to tell her. About what he’d been doing over the past weeks. About what he’d done earlier today. About what he envisioned for the future.

Shannyn turned, her heart catching at the sight of Jonas staring. He was all long legs and broad shoulders in faded jeans and a green t-shirt with a small crest on the chest. When he started walking towards her, his limp was indiscernible.

She stepped off the sidelines, retreating from the cheering crowd a little. His eyes locked with hers, his strides purposeful.