Back in the Soldier's Bed

“I have a lot to explain to you, Shan. I didn’t fully realize it until today, so bear with me okay?”

She nodded. Any trace of flippancy he’d shown inside was totally gone. Now his face was completely earnest.

“I did as you suggested, as you know. I started seeing a therapist. It…it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes…” he stopped, swallowed. “Sometimes it’s like living through it all over again. But it was the right thing to do. I’m getting better.”

Shannyn encouraged him softly. “I know you are. I can see it. You’re less on edge. Relaxed, freer with your smiles.” She recalled the chaos of July first, then the few times he’d been in contact since. “I think not seeing you as much made the difference stand out more each time you were around. You were more changed each time. More grounded.”

“I didn’t realize it was noticeable.”

“I noticed.” She touched his knee gently, then took another drink from her bottle.

The mourning dove’s cry faded away. “Today is one year since the accident.”

“I know.”

His gaze met hers then. “You do?”

She nodded. “I saw the date on your chart.” She hadn’t forgotten it. It was a day that had changed his life forever. When she’d first read it, she’d had no idea how much. She’d been so absorbed with herself and protecting Emma. She hadn’t known how much more there really was.

“Was it difficult? How did you deal?” She’d thought of him often today, wondered how he was coping, wanting to call but unsure of whether or not she should.

“Today I drove to Nova Scotia, to Chris’s hometown. And I went to visit him.”

Shannyn put down her bottle. “That’s a huge step for you.” It had obviously been a good choice. If not, he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t have kissed her earlier. Not in the way he had, that’s for sure.

“I was scared. Facing him…seeing his grave…I didn’t know how I’d react. I’ve been such a loose cannon. But I stopped and bought us each a coffee.” He looked up, a shy smile teasing the corners of his mouth. “Sounds stupid, I know, but in basic we had this thing about coffee in the morning. So I took one to him, and I just talked to him. It was good.”

Shannyn’s eyes misted. She doubted Jonas realized how much strength he was exhibiting right now. Facing the past took courage, and in her eyes, letting himself be vulnerable made him more of a man than any war he’d fought.

She reached over and laid her hand on his thigh. It was nearly healed, the muscle firm and sure beneath her fingers.

“Oh, Jonas, that’s wonderful.”

“I needed to do it. I’d made him a promise, you see. We always said that if something happened to one of us, the other one would escort the body home. I broke that vow. I didn’t come back with him. Hell, I didn’t even make his funeral. By the time I was coherent, it was all over. Today I apologized for that.”

Shannyn smiled. “You do realize that he forgave you long ago. You needed to forgive yourself.”

He pulled his leg away from hers. “That’s one of the things I’m beginning to see.”

“You couldn’t have known what would happen, and you couldn’t have stopped it.” She halted, unsure how much to reveal to him right now. He’d asked for space and she’d said she’d give it, but tonight seemed to be about honesty. Could she be honest with her feelings? Or was it too soon?

“You don’t know how thankful I am that you weren’t the one killed.” She offered a compromise.

“But I came back and complicated everything for you.”

“Maybe at first.” She smiled sadly. “I was afraid. Fear is a powerful motivator.”

Jonas rubbed a hand over his face. “I know. I wrote the book on it. Which brings me to what happened next.” He studied his hands, rubbing the fingers together. “Someone else was visiting him, too. Nessa.”

“Nessa?”

“His fiancée. He was planning on marrying her after that last deployment. We were only supposed to have another month or so before coming home for a while. The day we hit the IED, he’d told me she’d just bought her dress. I’d never met her, but I met her today.”

“How is she?”

Shannyn studied him closely. Jonas smiled a little. In the trees at the edge of the yard, bats flitted in and out as darkness settled over them. The light over the kitchen stove filtered through the patio doors and threw his face in shadow.

“She’s amazing. Resilient. And when I saw her today, I knew I’d made a huge mistake.