Back in the Soldier's Bed

“Even though Chris is gone, she is determined to honor him by living her life and being happy. She cherishes their time together, instead of being bitter and resentful. Nessa is grateful, Shan.” His tone was incredulous, reverent. “She’s simply grateful that she had the chance to love him. Even though that love was cut short.”

He put his bottle down. “And that’s where you come in, Shan.”

Nerves skittered along her arms. “Me?”

“I owe you an apology. I did what I thought was right all those years ago. I went to become an elite soldier in an uncertain world. I thought that I was right in leaving you behind. I was afraid to have you care for me too much. Then what would have happened to you if I’d died in action? If I never came home again? Or if I came home crippled and you had to look after me? Why would I ask you to waste your life like that? And I’m telling you now that I was wrong. I’m sorry. More sorry than you know that it’s too late to take it back.”

Shannyn closed her eyes against the pain searing her heart, only to have the tears that had shimmered there escape and trickle down her cheeks. Not I’m sorry but I’ll make things right. But it’s too late. She’d been right to keep her feelings close. He saw her now as a mistake he couldn’t undo. And as happy as she was for him that he was finding his way back, the bitter taste of regret was on her tongue. He’d hurt her then and h

e was hurting her now.

“You say now that you did what you thought was best for me,” she whispered through the pain. “But you never asked me.” Her throat ached, raw. “You took away my choice. How could you do that?”

“I thought I was protecting you.”

One of his hands rose to touch her cheek, the pad of his thumb caressing her cheekbone. He could be so tender, so caring, and it ripped her apart. She mourned the years they’d lost, the years Emma had gone without having her father. She pulled her cheek away from his touch as the hurt spilled out with the truth. “You broke my heart, Jonas. Don’t you realize that?”

She opened her eyes. Jonas didn’t know that the words were as true tonight as they’d been six years ago. His face was a mixture of regret and surprise.

“No, I didn’t. I thought we cared about each other but that you’d get over it. We were young, foolish.”

“Foolish or not, I fell in love with you that summer.”

Jonas slid forward so that their knees were touching. “So did I.”

Shannyn sat up straighter. He’d what? Her heart pounded heavily, her throat convulsing against the tears she kept fighting back. All this time she’d thought that summer had been fun for him, nothing more. And he’d loved her? Her head spun. How things could have been different if she’d only known. She would have fought harder, instead of accepting his absence. If only he’d said something, all this time might not have been wasted. How stupid they’d been. How much they’d lost.

“But you never said it,” she whispered.

“Neither did you.”

“I was waiting for you to say it first.”

It sounded juvenile now, and made her angry, knowing that perhaps if they’d just been honest back then things might have turned out differently.

“It was a test then?”

Jonas said the words quietly but there was an edge to his voice that made her look away. Had she been testing him? Probably. She hadn’t wanted to beg for his feelings and perhaps her pride had gotten in the way. Pride and fear had kept her from contacting him once she’d known she was pregnant. Fear that the worst would happen. That he wouldn’t love her as she loved him. Fear that he’d come home in a box. Fear that he’d be wounded. In that, she hadn’t been wrong. It was small consolation.

“If it was, it wasn’t intentional.”

Her response sounded flimsy, and she bit her lip. Would she have wanted him to choose her over the army? Is that what she wanted now?

She didn’t like the answer that came back.

“We both made mistakes.” Oh goodness, he was still apologizing, like he was the only one carrying any responsibility around. “I took the choice away from you, Shannyn. I wasn’t honest with my feelings. I wanted to ask you to come with me. But then I thought of all the men not coming home and I knew I’d hate myself for hurting you. I made my decision based on fear, not on faith. Faith in you, faith in us. I realized that today. I took that choice away and I’m sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”

His hand squeezed her wrist, warming the skin with the gentle touch before letting go. All these years she’d thought he hadn’t cared enough to stay, or to ask her to wait for him. But he had cared. He’d made a mistake, yes. He’d taken the choice away from her. But he’d done it for the right reasons. Not out of concern for himself, but for her. He’d done it out of love. Could she say the same? She knew she couldn’t, and it made her own admission sting that much more.

“I’m sorry too, Jonas. I thought you hadn’t loved me at all, so when I found out I was pregnant with Emma I knew I couldn’t ask you to come back out of obligation. It would hurt too much to know you didn’t love me the way I loved you. So I kept it from you. I denied you your daughter and denied her a father who clearly loves her. And I denied us the chance at a future. You’re not the only one with regrets and with apologies.” If only he knew.

“It’s over now.” He sat up a bit, holding her hand between both of his and chafing it. “No more looking back. No more regrets. What’s done is done and we go from here.”

Where exactly was that, though? Shannyn realized that while Jonas had said that he’d loved her then, he hadn’t said that he still did now. There was something between them, certainly. But neither of them had said the word love and referred to it in the present tense. Once again she was waiting for him to say it first, too afraid to take the first step. Too afraid that they were repeating the same pattern. The rush of seeing him earlier had faded. Could she bear for him to stay in the service, knowing how quickly their lives could turn on a dime? Could she risk putting Emma through it, as well as herself? It wasn’t just her to consider anymore.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked quietly, withdrawing her hands. “What do you see happening between us, Jonas?”

“I don’t know.” Jonas sighed and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ve spent so much time living in the past that I’m not even in the future yet. I’m still taking things one day at a time. I’m going to have some decisions to make soon about where my future lies. I—”