Back in the Soldier's Bed

He stopped mid-sentence, turned his head and looked out over the back yard.

“You what?”

“Tonight I had to tell you the truth about why I left. And for the first time, today I actually started thinking about the future rather than being caught in crisis mode. I’ve been there for so long, it’s hard to get out.”

His gaze met hers. Even, honest. “I still need time. Time to figure everything out. I’m going away for a few days. To talk to some people. Figure out my options.”

Shannyn sat back in her chair, putting some distance between them. She wanted to say, you’ve had six years to figure it out, but knew it would be unfair. He was making progress. It was good he was moving forward. It wasn’t up to her to approve of the direction he chose. The longer they talked, the clearer that became.

Perhaps that was why his next words shook her to the core.

“I’m not sure what the future holds, Shannyn. But I am clear on one thing. I never should have left you six years ago.”

After all these years, finally hearing the words didn’t feel like she expected. It made her deeply mourn the time they’d wasted. Made her resent the choice he’d made. If only he’d stayed. Perhaps they could have worked it out. If he’d just asked her to go with him…

But she imagined getting that phone call in the middle of the night. Imagined what it must have been like for Nessa. She didn’t want to be a young woman standing beside a grave.

“You don’t seem happy.”

His voice, flat and expressionless, reached her and she snapped her head up to meet his gaze.

“It’s not that…it’s just…why are you telling me this today?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

She started to panic. He was taking her reaction as rejection and she desperately needed to understand. “It does matter, Jonas. It matters a great deal.” When he made to get out of the chair, she reached out and stopped him with a hand on his arm.

He sat back. “You want to know why today? Because I’m not afraid anymore. I needed to come clean. It’s that simple.”

Shannyn inhaled, the air trembling on its way to her lungs. “Nothing between us has ever been simple.”

“No.”

He needed to make a clean break. It was all making sense now. The words hung in the air as the silence grew thick around them. She couldn’t bring herself to answer. She couldn’t imagine delineating all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. He’d made a mistake in the past, he’d made that clear. And she forgave him for it. What good would it do to talk about it now? It would change nothing.

Her eyes stung. So much for taking that leap of faith.

Jonas pushed back his chair and stood. His weight was even over both feet, and again Shannyn was reminded of how far he’d come over the last few months with his recovery. Jonas was putting his body and his life back together. She needed to do the same. She couldn’t live her life waiting for him to make decisions. She’d learned that the hard way and she and Emma had been okay. Having him around again she’d started to think of him as part of their lives. Now she realized she had to stand on her own two feet again.

She’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, she realized. If only it could be as easy as putting the past behind them and moving forward.

“Come here,” he murmured in the dark.

She went to him, the evening breeze chilling her, raising goosebumps on her flesh. He pulled her lightly into his arms, resting his temple against her hair.

“You’ve given me strength, Shannyn Smith. You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that. I owe you everything.”

She sighed, drank in his scent one last time. Imprinted on her heart every sensation of his body against hers. Then she pushed away.

“I’m happy for you.”

Shannyn was surprised at how strong she sounded. She instantly missed the warmth of his arms around her. But as much as she knew she loved him, she also knew what he was saying. He was still who he was…what he was. He hadn’t made promises or proclaimed any feelings. The very strength that she’d wished for him was now driving him away and she couldn’t find the will to voice her feelings. She was too afraid. Afraid of losing him. Afraid of growing further apart during his absences rather than closer together. Afraid that despite their renewed relationship, she’d always be the one that loved more. That hurt more.

She reached up and ran her fingers over his shoulders, imagining him in his uniform, smiling sadly. “You are still a soldier. And now a healthy one. I don’t doubt for a minute that this job will change, and you’ll be off on some new adventure. It’s who you are, Jonas.”

“You’re still scared.”

“Of course I am. I don’t think I could survive losing you again. It’s good that it’s stopping here.”