Back in the Soldier's Bed

Everything in her wanted him to fight now. Fight for her like he hadn’t six years earlier. Instead he remained silent and what little hope she’d held on to died a quiet death.

“You think my life is too what, transient? Dangerous and uncertain?”

“Something like that.”

He wasn’t fighting, then. It was over. Reall

y over. It was the ending perhaps they’d never had, but there was no relief in it. All Shannyn felt was cold resignation at the way things had turned out.

She didn’t want him to leave but understood now that it was exactly what he was doing. He had made her fall in love with him again and now he was walking away. Just like before.

When he pulled away, his hand on the railing of the deck, she didn’t stop him.

“We covered a lot of ground this evening,” he acknowledged. “Maybe it’s better to let the dust settle. Then we can meet and talk about where we go from here. We need to talk about Emma. We need to stay consistent for her, no matter what.”

“That will be fine.” It sounded forced and she knew it.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back. But I’ll call you,” he said softly. “Give Emma a kiss for me.”

“I will,” she replied, trying to hold back the tears that suddenly threatened. They were done. Reduced to talking about visitation schedules and what was best for their daughter. Knowing that every time she saw him, she’d die a little more inside from loving him so hopelessly.

He hopped off the porch and lifted his hand in a wave before skirting around the house. Moments later his truck started, and she heard his tires on the gravel of the drive.

Worn out and overwhelmed, she sat back down on the chair, letting the sobs finally come. And tried to put together the pieces of what had just happened.

You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that.

She’d wanted him better, had wanted him to stop suffering, had wanted to help him through it. She just hadn’t thought the cost to herself would be so high.

Chapter 14

Shannyn looked at the phone for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Each time it rang and Melanie answered it, her heart skipped a beat. Monday was the same, as was yesterday. Patients came and went, she did spreadsheets and payroll.

There was no reason for her to look for his call, but he was never far from her mind.

He’d been straightforward about telling her that he was going away to discuss future options. Who knew what he’d be doing, or where? She remembered the gleam in his eyes as he’d spoken to Corporal Benner outside the coffee shop. There was nothing he’d love more than being back with the men of his unit. She knew that.

She should have known things would only grow more complicated. Emma had asked about him on Sunday, and again yesterday. Shannyn had no answers for her as a few days turned into several. He’d said they needed to talk about Emma, but now he wasn’t making himself available. It was what she’d always feared. Shannyn was a grown up and could deal somehow. But a child didn’t understand why Daddy was suddenly just gone. Finally, last night, she’d broken down and tried calling his apartment, but there’d been no answer.

She played with a pen sitting on her desk, clicking the tip over and over. Jonas had admitted his mistake of years past. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t ignore that, even though she had forgiven him for it. Maybe he’d made a mistake leaving her, but the truth of the matter was if he’d loved her so very much, it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d have asked her to go with him. No doubts. She realized now she probably had been testing him. And she’d punished him by keeping Emma from him.

She ran a hand through her hair. She loved him; she wouldn’t lie to herself and attempt to deny it. But loving someone and making it work were two very different things. Now there was Emma in the middle, ensuring he’d always be linked to her somehow. She set her lips and went to the stacks to take out his chart. They needed to talk regardless. She wouldn’t let Emma be pushed aside like she’d been.

With a fortifying breath, she picked up the receiver of her phone and dialed the work number from his file.

When she asked for him, the polite woman on the other end apologized. “I’m sorry, ma’am, he’s on base in Petawawa.”

On base? Being out of town explained why he hadn’t called, and she relaxed. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

The line was silent as the woman hesitated for a moment. “That will depend, ma’am, if he starts his new posting.”

Shannyn sat down in her chair, suddenly numb. New posting? Jonas was going to a new posting? And he hadn’t told her, or Emma? When had he decided? After they’d talked? Or had he known that night when he’d shown up at the soccer game?

Emma. Oh no. Her heart sank to her toes. Shannyn had her own disappointments, but Emma was different. She was too small to understand a father coming and going, always in and out of her life. Realizing she still loved him had provoked all the old fears. Shannyn had known in the beginning that no one in the military stayed in one place for long. Over the past weeks she’d conveniently forgotten it. How could she ever tell Emma that her dad had been killed in duty? She’d almost wanted him to retain a bit of injury so returning to active duty wasn’t an option. It was purely selfish, she knew. And she truly was glad for him that his leg was healed and he felt whole again. Oh, what a mess she was in.

“Ma’am? Do you want to leave a message?”

“No,” Shannyn muttered hoarsely. “No, thank you.”