Back in the Soldier's Bed

“Thank you for coming,” he started, his head turning with her as she sailed through the small foyer. There was so much he had to say. To explain.

“So, when do you start?”

“I beg your pardon?” His steps halted behind her.

Shannyn zipped straight through to the living room, planting her hands on her hips. After a momentary lapse, he followed her, confused. What was she talking about? And why in the world was she acting like he was the villain here? Her eyes met his, full of a challenge he didn’t understand.

“Your new job? When do you start? Where is it this time?”

Staccato words, so harsh. She raised one eyebrow at him, her lips set in a firm, unpleasant line. All his well-thought-out speeches evaporated. How could she possibly know? He’d only been offered the position this morning, and he’d caught the first hop back to Gagetown. He’d been home all of three hours.

“Shannyn, I can explain. All of it.” He folded his hands behind his back, trying to remain rational and not take the bait for an all-out argument. Even if her aggressive stance did try his temper.

“Oh, there’s no need. I heard all about it today. Petawawa, right? Is that where you’re going next? Or back with the Princess Pats in Edmonton? Where are you needed this time?”

“Why are you acting like this? You’re so angry!” He stepped further into the room, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers. If she’d only give him a chance to explain. Instead she was treating him like he’d done something unforgivable. “You sent me away, remember?”

Damn. He’d told himself she wouldn’t draw him into an argument and here he was, rising to the bait.

She folded her arms with defiance. “Maybe I’m angry because I finally trusted you. I trusted you to be honest, Jonas. If not for me, for Emma. And now I find out from someone else that you’re taking a new job.” She held up her hand when he started to protest. “No, don’t bother. I know a new job means a new posting and a new base. I’ve enough experience with the army to know that much. This is exactly why I didn’t tell you about Emma in the first place, Jonas. Because I didn’t want her to know—to love—a father who was only in her life when his schedule permitted.”

“Only Emma?” He smiled a little. She was covering her misgivings with blame. He took it as a good sign. Their parting last week had been surprisingly cold. But now the thought of him going away had her panicking. “Or are you afraid I’ll only let you in my life when I can pencil you in?”

“That’s ridiculous. And it doesn’t matter. You’re obviously leaving again.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” His voice was firm but sure. He could see what was happening. He recognized the fear, knew it was much more promising than not caring at all. He knew she was remembering how he’d left her before, and it kept him from getting too angry with her. If she’d only listen to him, she’d understand everything.

“Oh, please. Don’t insult me,” she retorted.

“Don’t insult me, Shannyn.” He kept his voice even. “I don’t know what you think you know, but perhaps you’d be interested in something called the truth.”

Her brazen sneer faltered just a little.

“This isn’t about Emma. Not really. It’s about you, and you being afraid that I’ll leave you again.”

Her mouth dropped open.

“You think I don’t get it? After we talked last week? I know now how I hurt you the last time. I don’t blame you for being scared. You don’t want to go through it again. You don’t want to go through what Nessa has gone through. And believe me, I’ve no desire to put you through it.”

“Why would you, when you clearly said goodbye?”

“Is that what you think?”

“Isn’t it true?”

He smiled a little. She was more afraid than he’d thought. He thought back to their conversation. He hadn’t meant it as goodbye at all. He’d thought they’d been finding their feet. Setting the ground work upon which to build something great.

And she thought he’d been preparing to leave for good.

He could see the vulnerability through her aggressive stance and softened his voice, trying to draw her in, make her understand.

He tilted her chin, lifting it so that his eyes burned into hers. “Do. You. Love. Me. It’s that simple, Shan.”

“Nothing is ever that simple, you know that.”

“I know I love you. Do you love me back?”

Tears burned the backs of her eyes. He was standing here saying it after all and she hated how much she wanted to hope. To believe. Damn him. Damn him for making her feel so much all over again.