Back in the Soldier's Bed

She’d only wanted him to ask her the last time, but it was much more than that. Loving him meant accepting the possibility of being hurt.

“Faith, not fear.” He whispered the gentle reminder.

She watched his mouth form the words. It didn’t matter. She was hurting right now. And he was standing before her, the strongest man she’d ever known, asking her to share his life. Without guarantees.

She knew the answer as it shot out of her heart.

“Yes.” The words choked out on a near-sob. “I need you, Jonas. It’s what scares me more than anything.”

Letting the words out, confessing her feelings and her fears, felt like complete surrender and for a moment she reveled in the freedom of it. Her eyes slid closed as he came closer, dropping his lips to touch hers gently.

“That’s really good news,” he murmured against her lips. “Because I thought I was alone in that particular area.”

Her lips followed his, eager to taste more now that they’d said the words. “Loving you comes naturally. Dealing with it is the hard part.”

She was suddenly reminded of his new posting, and she drew back. “But you’re leaving, aren’t you. Are you going back into active duty? Being stationed at another base?” Dread at losing him anyway curled darkly through her.

“If I were transferred, would you come with me? You and Emma?”

This, then, was the question he’d never asked the first time, and even though she couldn’t help the thread of anxiety at the thought of leaving her home and job behind, she knew this time she couldn’t back away.

“Yes. Yes, Jonas, I would come with you this time.”

“Why?”

She looked up at him. In all the time she’d known him, he’d been three men. The first was the carefree, indestructible warrior. The second a hard, uncompromising man broken by the things he’d seen and done. The third, though, the third was a mixture of those two men. A man so much stronger than the two parts that made him who he was. In his eyes she saw not only shades of his youth but a wisdom and gravity that only experience could bring. A man who felt deeply; loved his job, loved his daughter. Loved her. How could she ever let that get away? How could she give up the chance to love him? Maybe he would be back in the line of fire. But she knew that if she passed up the chance to try, she’d regret it always, and she told him so.

“Because I love you. Because I’m tired of being scared. I let you leave before because I thought you didn’t love me. I didn’t tell you about Emma because I was afraid you’d be with us for the wrong reasons and so I built a wall around my heart, told myself I was doing the right thing. I came here tonight, ready to tear into you because I was afraid to love you more than you loved me. But I do love you, I always have and being without you now is more terrifying than any of those things.”

His hand cupped the back of her neck, roughly pulling her close and cradling her head against his chest. His pulse thudded against her temple, steady and strong. She felt him swallow, press a kiss against her hair.

“I promise I won’t give you reason to regret it. I know the risk you’re taking, and I love you more for it. But I don’t have to leave, Shan.”

She pulled out of his arms. “You don’t? But what about Petawawa? The new posting?”

His teeth flashed as he smiled. “I did go to Petawawa. And I did have meetings, and I’ve been offered a position. But I haven’t accepted it yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because I needed to talk it over with you first. It wouldn’t be fair to make that sort of decision without finding out how you and Emma feel about it.”

Suddenly the tears came, great consuming ones that surprised her as much as they surprised Jonas. She hadn’t even realized she’d been testing him again or that this had been part of it, but his consulting her meant more than he could ever know.

“Shhh,” he murmured, cupping her face and wiping away tears. “You haven’t even heard what it is yet.”

A bubble of laughter rose up through the sobs. “That’s not why.” She pressed a hand to her chest and regained control. “How can I tell you what I think about it if you don’t tell me what it is?”

He grinned. “You’ll be pleased to know the job is right here. Right at Gagetown.”

“No active duty?”

He gripped her arms. “Is that what you thought?”

She nodded, flooded with relief that he wasn’t going to be back in the field after all.

“No, baby, no active duty. An opportunity came up. One so good I didn’t want to jinx it by saying anything prematurely. You and Emma…I didn’t want to uproot you from the lives you’ve worked so hard to build. I can see how you’ve built a real home for her. I want to be a part of that, Shan, not take her away from it.”

She blinked slowly. He was doing a fine job of building his case. Right now she was spellbound, hanging on his every word with breathless anticipation.