Hands in his pockets, he walked down the street toward the small parking lot at the edge of the park. He was nearly to the museum when he saw the flash of her scarf, a bright bit of blue in the white-and-gray day. She was walking, but her arms were wrapped around her middle, as if protecting herself from the cold...or something else. He’d upset her again. And he was beginning to understand that the only way to break the pattern was to hash out the truth once and for all.
Throat tight and heart pounding, he set off to catch up to her.
* * *
Adele huddled into herself as she made her way over the snow to...somewhere. A bench, the gazebo, maybe. The air was cold and not many people were wandering the park today, all either in the shops or on the ski hills. She just needed to keep walking. To let the bite o
f the winter air jolt her out of the idea that Dan thought she might have cheated on him. And yet, what was he supposed to think, when she’d never explained? She couldn’t blame him, but it still hurt.
The gazebo was empty; the day was too cold for many people to be sitting outside. But not her. She’d welcome the frigid temperatures. Maybe punishing herself would somehow make her feel better.
“Adele.”
Her body tensed as Dan’s voice echoed behind her. She should have known he’d come after her. There was simply no escaping him this week. The pit in her stomach grew heavier. She was going to have to tell him. It was the only way he’d give her some peace. And the only way she’d have peace, too. Years of avoiding it had allowed her to push the memories to the back of her mind. Almost as if it had never happened. Looking forward, rather than back.
There was no avoiding it now. Denial was a fickle witch.
His boots sounded on the gazebo steps and he made his way to the bench, sitting heavily beside her.
And said nothing. Just sat there, his elbows on his knees, probably with thoughts racing through his head, as they were in hers. Wondering what was the right thing to say.
She looked out over the Bow River and sighed. “There was no one else, Dan. I promise. I didn’t love anyone...” Her voice caught a little. “I didn’t love anyone but you.”
His breath came out in a whoosh. “Is it wrong that I’ve wondered all this time?”
She shook her head, still not looking at him. “No, of course not. In the absence of information, we create our own. Or at least our own doubts.” Her heart sank. “I’m starting to wonder if I did the right thing after all.”
She could feel his gaze on her profile. “You mean breaking up?” he asked, and she wondered if he sounded a little breathless or if that was all in her head.
“No,” she admitted. “But not telling you why. The real reason why.”
She looked over her shoulder. The park was still mostly empty, save a few tourists around the perimeter. She and Dan were blocked by the wind inside the gazebo. She laughed a little, a bitter sound that bit into the frosty air. “Do you know I’ve planned weddings that took place right here in this gazebo? It seems so strange right now.”
Dan just waited, silent. Words collected in her throat in a jumbled-up mess of justifications and excuses, but she couldn’t make herself say them.
Finally, she let out a breath and chanced a look at Dan. His jaw was set and he looked so...unhappy. Not angry, not sad. Just unhappy, and the time had come to be honest.
“Dan, there’s a lot I need to explain. If you can just wait for me to finish, instead of interrupting me, it would help. I think I need to get this all out in one go so you understand.”
He met her gaze. “Still setting conditions,” he said quietly. “But all right. If you couldn’t be honest then, and it upsets you so much now, I guess it must be a big deal.”
She nodded. Clutched her fingers together inside her mittens in her pockets. “Okay...”
A quick swallow, an inhale and she finally said the words she’d kept from him for so long.
“In March of our last year of university, I had a checkup at the doctor’s because I’d been having weird period symptoms. I’d never had a pap test before. We’d been together since first year, no other partners. I was young. But it came back abnormal, so I went for a biopsy, and it came back positive for cervical cancer.”
She heard his sharp intake of breath but plowed on, determined. “Finals were coming up. We were graduating. But I was so distracted. Meanwhile your family was planning grad events and talking about the prospect of new babies in the family and I... I just saw you in the middle of all that and got so scared.”
He looked up at her and opened his mouth, but she held up a hand. “Not yet,” she cautioned. “Let me finish. I had scans. Visits to the oncologist, and a treatment plan. Surgery...scheduled for May, after grad. They were hopeful they could just do a simple procedure. But then a scan showed more tissue involvement, and I was scheduled for a hysterectomy.”
“A hysterectomy?” Dan did speak up then, his voice breathless with shock. “My God, Delly. You kept this all to yourself?”
“Wait,” she pleaded, not wanting to get to this part of the conversation yet. She had to get through the medical stuff first. “I knew what the surgery meant. No children for me. Not ever. I asked if there was a way around it, but no. Hysterectomy was the only way. The follow up treatment—radiation—would possibly harm my ovaries, so it was suggested that I harvest some of my eggs and freeze them. I didn’t. I was twenty-one. What was I going to do with frozen eggs? I wouldn’t have a uterus to carry a baby, anyway.”
She looked over at him, trying to ignore the stricken look on his face. “Your family is so big and happy. Your parents couldn’t wait for grandkids. Your sisters were already talking about starting families. For God’s sake, your mom had blankets crocheted for future grandchildren. I already felt intimidated when we were with them, coming from the background I did. I didn’t have siblings or a big happy family...and I saw your face every time your cousins came over with their little ones. Having a family was so important to you. And it was something I could never, ever give you.”
She hesitated. It was out. Nearly all of it. Her stomach was a mess of nerves, tangled and painful. Saying the words out loud transported her back to those days, sitting alone in the doctor’s office, her stomach already feeling empty and...barren, even before the surgery.