Then he was kissing her again. It was heavenly, and a bit surreal knowing he couldn’t seem to help himself. She moved against him, feeling the warmth of his skin through her shirt.
She was in danger of losing herself completely as he disentangled his hands from her curls and made short work of her light blouse. Trepidation vibrated inside her, but she pushed it away. She wanted this. She trusted him. It wasn’t until he reached for the button of her jeans that she couldn’t breathe and instinctively put a hand down to stop him. “Tomas…”
“Too fast?” His breath was laboured now and the room seemed full of his heartbeat as she pressed her palm to his chest.
“It’s not that, it’s…”
But how could she tell him? She felt the heat rush to her face. What would he think of her? She already felt awkward and like a teenager trapped in a woman’s body. And Tomas was such a strong force, so much larger than life. He’d suffered so much. She was awestruck by him and felt so completely out of her league.
“What is it, querida?”
He was calling her darling again and it made her heart want to weep. He was still holding her, but his brows had drawn together and she now felt utterly silly seeing th
e concern darkening his eyes. She felt a sting behind her nose and the ridiculous urge to curl up in his embrace to make everything right.
“Sophia?” He put a finger under her chin and lifted it, forcing her to look into his eyes. Why couldn’t this be carefree and easy? Why was it so hard to let go of the past and step forward into a new, reinvented Sophia? Instead she felt nothing but mortified. And the caring way he was looking at her now told her he deserved an explanation. No, not just an explanation. The truth. Nothing but the truth would be right for Tomas. Not after today.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“I have never…I mean…”
He chuckled, the lines clearing from his face in relief. “Sophia, I wouldn’t think as much of you if you did this all the time. I cannot deny I feel a connection to you that is very unexpected. When you first arrived…” He paused, shook his head. “I have hidden myself away for a long time, Sophia. You know that.”
Oh God. He thought her reservations were about having a one-night stand? Once more she felt unbearably young and naive.
If only it were as simple as a one-nighter. If that were her biggest obstacle, she’d not stand a hope of coming through this with her dignity intact. But she had to tell him. It wasn’t as if he wouldn’t find out… Her breath caught as she realized exactly what would happen.
“No,” she stopped his hand, which was reassuringly stroking her shoulder. “Tomas please…” the words came out all strangled and she fought her way through them “…I’ve never done this before.”
“This…” There were the wrinkles again as he sat back, clearly confused. “You mean…”
“This,” she replied meaningfully. “Any of it.”
“You’re a…”
“Yes,” she said, her voice finally coming out strong and clear. “I am.” And the little voice inside her had to know. “Does it make a difference?”
He reached out for her hands. “Matter? Of course it matters! Sophia, you must be…”
“Twenty-five,” she offered, wincing inside as the words came out a bit primly. She squared her shoulders. “I am twenty-five years old and I have never had sex. There. I said it.”
The smile he sent her way was soft and indulgent. “I had been going to say afraid.”
She wanted to sink through the floor.
She was scared. She had built this moment up in her mind for so long that when suddenly faced with it she turned coward, unable to go through with it. What if she didn’t know what to do? Tomas might be patient but how far would his patience extend? It was easier to back away.
“Not even with your fiancé?” he probed gently.
It would have been better if he had been repulsed by her admission. That would have been much easier than the way his gentleness seemed to hold a mirror up to her flaws. She’d put her faith in the wrong things, and now had to admit to herself that she had been played for a fool, convincing herself Antoine had loved her enough to wait.
But that was the problem. He hadn’t loved her, and deep down she’d known it. She had struggled for Antoine’s approval just as she had from everyone else in her life, too, and she’d never quite gotten it. He’d been remarkably patient about not having sex. But she understood now. It was because he hadn’t wanted to. He hadn’t wanted her. He’d had his mistress for sex.
And now Tomas was here, and he wanted her, and knowing it was beautiful. And yet she was still too afraid.
Afraid that she’d get in too deep and end up hurt in the end. Because Tomas was temporary. It wasn’t even a question of when he would take his love away. It wasn’t hers to begin with. He might be ready to move on and leave his grief behind, but it was a long leap from there to love. And as much as she’d like to think she was modern enough to disassociate sex from love, she just couldn’t.
She shook her head in answer to Tomas’s question and already she could feel the distance opening up between them. It was clear the moment was over. Being swept away in the magic only went so far, and she had no one to blame but herself. She’d made a calculated risk, overestimated herself and failed. Again.