Charlie reached over and took her hand. With anyone but Charlie it would have been awkward. But they’d been through a lot together, since the beginning when Lizzie had walked into her dorm room to find Charlie on one of the beds. The two made an unlikely pair, but from the first moment they’d been there for each other. Just like they were now.
“Everything’s out of control, Charlie. Just everything.” She swallowed against the lump in her throat. “For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do.” She felt her lip wobble. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
“Oh, honey,” Charlie said, squeezing Lizzie’s fingers. “I know it’s been so hard. I should have been there for you more.… I’m really sorry about that. I suck as a friend.”
“You had enough on your plate, with the pregnancy and planning the wedding and everything.” Lizzie tried a watery smile. “And look at you. You were always so shy, so reserved. Dave’s been so good for you. He really brought you out of your shell.”
Charlie’s gaze softened. “He is pretty wonderful. But that doesn’t make it all right that I neglected you.”
“Well, I’m here now. Just what the doctor ordered.”
Charlie nodded. “Hey, don’t worry. I know you. You’re like a rubber ball; you always bounce back. You’ll figure it out. I know you will.” The confidence in her voice was clear.
But Lizzie shook her head. “I don’t know this time. I don’t know who I am, or what I want.… The one thing holding me together was work.” She squeezed Charlie’s fingers back before letting them go.
“You’ve been grieving so hard, Liz. I know it’s been eating away at you. You’re here now, and that’s what matters. You did the right thing taking some time off.”
Lizzie smiled but felt herself crumbling inside. How could she admit that her vacation wasn’t voluntary? Charlie was under the impression that this weekend was just that—a weekend. Lizzie’s smile wobbled and she took a deep breath, promising herself she wouldn’t cry. “I wasn’t ready to talk about it before. Didn’t want to.” She swallowed, hard. “Couldn’t.”
“But you want to now?”
She took a sip of tea, the hot brew restorative, warming her belly, giving her strength to say the painful words. “I’m falling apart, Charlie. Seriously falling apart.” Her voice broke on the last syllable.
Charlie turned in her chair, tucking her legs beneath her. “What is it? Can I help? Are you sick?”
Lizzie shook her head. “Nothing that sleep won’t cure. But I’m not sleeping. I’ve been working extra shifts just to keep busy and keep myself occupied.” Mistake number one.
“And burning yourself out.”
Bingo. “What else am I supposed to do?”
Charlie didn’t answer but waited patiently. Lizzie thought that Charlie would make a very good mother. She was logical and tolerant and always thought things through. Marriage, too, had given her a new kind of serenity that Lizzie envied. Lizzie didn’t have that kind of patience. She didn’t wait for things; she went after them. Always moving forward and not backward. There were so many other things she wanted to do before having kids … if ever.
She struggled to speak past the tightness in her throat. This was so unlike her! She was a doctor, for God’s sake. She handled tough decisions every day. She spoke to family members and delivered bad news and it wasn’t easy, but she always kept it together. But it was different when it was her own life. Her own feelings. She couldn’t look at Charlie or the sympathy she knew would be in her best friend’s eyes. She looked out over the sparkling ocean and whispered, “I didn’t know that when I lost him I’d lose everything. I haven’t even brought myself to put the house on the market. I don’t want it, but I can’t bear the thought of someone else there. It’s like it’s waiting for him to come home and say it was all a mistake.”
Charlie wisely stayed put in her chair. Lizzie didn’t think she could handle any more hand-holding or hugging. She was feeling pretty fragile, ready to break apart at any moment. It was as if Charlie sensed it and after a few seconds of stunned silence she regrouped.
“Your dad’s not coming back, Liz.”
“I know that. And then I go to visit my mom, and—” She was mortified to realize that tears were slipping down her cheeks and she scrubbed them away with her hands. “She asks where he is. She doesn’t remember that he died. Or she’ll say he’s been to visit
her when that’s impossible, and it’s like ripping open a wound again.”
“Sweetie,” Charlie said, and her thumb rubbed reassuringly over the top of Lizzie’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Liz. I wish I could make things better.”
But Charlie couldn’t, not really. Though simply being here helped.
“I can’t put things off any longer. Everything is such an unholy mess and somehow I have to fix it. I’m so angry!” Liz admitted the dark truth with a burst of frustration, relief sliding through her as she finally said the words. She was angry at a disease she couldn’t do anything about, turning her mother into a stranger. She was angry at the suddenness of the stroke that had taken her father, a cruel irony for a man who’d dedicated his life to saving others. And she was angry at herself for slipping up and the devastating consequences that followed.
“Your dad loved you. You know that.” Charlie ran a hand over the swell of her belly, the action making Lizzie feel suddenly left out. “Your mom adores you, too. Of course it’s going to take some time for you to grieve. You just shouldn’t be going through this alone. I wish you had someone … the way that I have Dave.” A wistful smile touched her lips.
Lizzie couldn’t help the small smile. Charlie was head over heels in love with her new husband. “I knew this would come back to my love life eventually.”
“What love life?” Charlie raised an eyebrow.
“Exactly.” Lizzie focused on picking shortbread crumbs off her jeans, glad she’d gotten some things off her chest and very glad they’d changed the subject somewhat.
“Whatever happened to that doctor you were seeing at Christmas? The cute one with the reddish hair and big laugh?”