“Exactly!”
He started to laugh. “Do you really think that’s possible? We’re people. I mean, this sounds perfect in theory…” Actually, it didn’t sound all that perfect at all. It sounded cold, calculated. Sexual satisfaction without any emotion or feeling. “But I’m not sure of the practicality of it.”
“Loads of people have done friends with benefits before.”
He leaned forward a little. “I’m not loads of people, Lizzie. I care about you. I couldn’t make love to you otherwise.”
Her face changed. He couldn’t really say how, except that it was like a mask fell over her expression, shutting him out.
“You don’t like me calling it ‘making love,’ do you?”
“Come on, Josh. It’s not. It’s sex. It’s scratching an itch. We both know that.”
He felt like his heart was in his throat when he responded, “What if it’s not?”
She scrambled up from the blanket. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course that’s all this is. Jeez, Josh.”
When he got up, she took the opportunity to snatch the blanket up from the ground and start folding it.
“Would it be so bad?” he asked, his insides trembling. Did
she think she was the only one who was scared? “Caring for someone?”
She held the blanket close to her chest. “I do care for you.” For a moment her face softened. “Please don’t think I don’t. But you’re talking about love. And that’s impossible.”
Right. Because he was so goddamned unlovable, though he really didn’t understand why. Or maybe he just kept picking the wrong kind of woman. He should have listened to the voice in his head that said right from the beginning that Lizzie was too big for this small town. All he’d really wanted was a family of his own, the chance to practice medicine, and a little downtime on the water. A simple life. And the women he got involved with all wanted more.
He was tired of not being good enough.
“We should go,” he said.
There was quiet for a few minutes, an awkward silence as they both absorbed what those three words meant. A refusal of her offer.
She looked down at a spot by his foot and her cheeks stained pink. “Um, shouldn’t we, uh, dispose of that somehow?”
“I guess.”
“There’s not exactly a trash can nearby.”
He wanted to laugh at her tart expression. The whole thing felt ridiculously surreal. “Can’t we just throw it into the grass or something?”
At any other moment it would have been funny. Instead it was just uncomfortable. Lizzie reached into her bag. “Gross. Here,” she said, digging around and coming up with a small paper bag from the pharmacy. “Put it in here until we can get to a garbage can.”
He picked up the condom by his fingertips and dropped it into the bag. “Just like we were never here, huh?”
She sighed. “Josh—”
“No, I get it. And I even understand your rules, Lizzie.” He took a breath. “But I can’t abide by them. It’s not who I am. I thought it was for a little while. I honestly thought I could do this. Being with you was exciting and a rush. But I care for you. And if I’m going to be with someone … I think I really have to be with her, you know?” He looked at her, felt the first stabs of regret. “I don’t know how to do sex for fun. I tried, but I guess I’m just not built that way.”
“I don’t have anything more to offer you.” She met his gaze. “It wouldn’t be fair of me to pretend I do.”
He could appreciate that she was being brutally honest, but it didn’t mean he had to like it. “You sell yourself short, but that’s your problem, not mine,” he replied. “You won’t have to worry about being discreet from now on, okay? We’ll dial it back, keep it strictly professional. No hard feelings.”
“If that’s what you want.”
What he wanted was some emotion out of her. Something that said she was sorry their brief affair was over. That this wasn’t so damned … easy for her. He thought of the night he found her crying on the beach. Mess and all, that was the Lizzie he really liked. But she didn’t want to let herself be vulnerable, he realized. And when she was, she acted like she did today. By taking charge, taking risks. Not by letting someone in.
Someday she would have to, but he could tell that wasn’t today. And he wasn’t that man.