“Stop calling me that. I don’t like it the way you’re saying it.”
So much energy and resentment was coiled up inside him. “Listen, we both knew going into this that it was a limited-time thing. No commitments. No falling in love crap. You made that pretty clear out on the island the other day. So if you want to go back to Springfield, just go.”
She didn’t reply, and eventually he turned around to face her. Tears shimmered in her eyes and her bottom lip quivered.
It cut into the very heart of him, seeing her cry like that. The urge to apologize and take her in his arms was so strong. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t willingly let himself go all-in with a woman who wasn’t going to do the same. Not again.
So he stood his ground, watched her cry, felt like the world’s biggest asshole.
“Is that all you have to say to me?”
“We covered this before, remember? You were the one with the rules. The opt-out and the secrecy. I’m pretty sure none of that’s changed. You just thought you were going to be the one to opt out and it bugs you that you’re not.”
He was surprised to see her cheeks turn a brilliant pink. “You’re sure, aren’t you? Because you’re so sure about everything,” she snapped at him, and two tears spilled over her lashes and down her cheeks. “You have all the answers, don’t you, Josh? I finally understand that even if I told you you were wrong, you wouldn’t believe me. You made your mind up about me the day I came to town.”
“That’s not entirely true. I saw sides of you that were different. Sides that I … liked a lot.” He caught himself, but she noticed the hesitation and somehow it only seemed to make her angrier.
“I could say I never should have come here, but that would be a lie.” Her words were sharp stabs in the quiet evening. “I needed these few months to see my life clearly. I’m staying until after Charlie has her baby. After that I’ll go, if that’s what you want.”
“What I want?” He gave a bitter laugh. “Do you know what I want, Lizzie? Peace. I am so tired of all the drama. So tired of games and subtext and trying to be what everyone expects me to be. I should never have married Erin, but I did. I should have seen the writing on the wall. I am so tired of having to smile all the time and be the mature one who sets an example for everyone else. I feel that pressure. What I want is a partner who loves me as much as I love her. Who is committed one hundred percent. Someone I can trust completely. What I don’t want is a good time sneaking around pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m done doing that.”
She lifted her chin. “Know what, Josh? I think I could stand in front of you offering all those things and you wouldn’t see it. Because you don’t actually believe that sort of devotion exists for you. The problem isn’t that there isn’t a woman out there for you, but that you won’t be able to recognize her when you see her.” Another tear trembled on the edge of her lashes. “The problem isn’t me. It’s that you’ll never let yourself trust anyone again. You’ll never let yourself be that vulnerable again. And that’s a pretty lonely existence.”
He felt like he’d been punched in the solar plexus.
“Until you’re willing to open your heart, you’re going to be unhappy. Believe me, I know.” She took a breath. “Enjoy the rolls.”
She turned on her heel and walked away. The night was cool but muggy, yet she seemed to be hugging her arms around herself and her head was down and her stride wasn’t the confident, efficient one he was used to seeing.
The top was up on her car, too, and she got inside and shut the door and he couldn’t see her anymore.
After she drove away, he picked up the bakery box and in a fit of frustration threw it toward his garage. Chunks of cinnamon sugar pastry went flying, landing all over his driveway. “Goddammit,” he muttered, leaning against the side of his boat. He wiped his hand over his face.
Lizzie had come here to explain and he hadn’t let her. Instead he’d just ranted all his frustrations that had been bubbling throughout the day. Sarah’s meddling had gotten to him. It wouldn’t surprise him if he also got calls from Jess and Meggie tonight, checking up on him, asking what was going on.
He wasn’t up to that, and Lizzie was working the clinic tomorrow. He picked up the scattered rolls and put them in the compost, then put away his cleaning supplies and put the cover on the boat. When that was done he checked the gas in his generator just in case they lost power when the hurricane hit. There wasn’t much else to do for now, though, and rather than sit home and feel sorry for himself, he decided to take himself down to the Rusty Fern to see if he could find a dart game and a few drinks. Anything to distract him from what a jerk he’d been.
CHAPTER 20
Lizzie would rather do anything else than go to the office and see patients, but it was her scheduled day and so she got there fifteen minutes before the first appointment, put on the coffee, greeted Robin when she arrived, and took several deep breaths trying to calm the anxiety bubbling around in her stomach.
She had to talk to Charlie. Charlie was the only one who’d understand at this point, and Lizzie had some decisions to make.
Robin stuck her head in Lizzie’s office carrying a cup of black coffee. “Thought you could use this before we start.”
“That smells heavenly. Thank you, Robin.”
Robin looked at her closely. “More makeup than usual today. Everything all right?”
Lizzie forced a smile. “Of course it is. Why do you ask?” She could fake it, right? People didn’t need to know that she had gone home last night and cried over stupid Josh Collins.
“Well, news at the café this morning is that Bryce had to pick up Josh at the Fern last night and take him home. I wondered if you knew anything about that.”
Lizzie had been about to take a drink of her coffee, but she stopped with the cup an inch from her lips. “Josh was drunk?”
“As a skunk, apparently. Showed up around nine thirty and started hitting the rye. I have to say, I think that’s the first time I’ve heard of Josh getting hammered since he moved back.”
He’d really been upset then. Over her? Or just the situation in general? Everyone had a breaking point. God, she knew that right enough.