Just hearing her brother’s name caused Gabe to flinch. “I cost him too much, and he knew it.”
“You did nothing of the sort. You saved his life. I know you did CPR until the ambulance got there.” Carly wouldn’t forget that phone call as long as she lived. Her parents had flown out of the house in a panic and she’d stayed home alone wondering, worrying, fearing the worst for both her brother and for Gabe. She’d heard all about how Gabe found Brandon passed out on the floor and how he’d called 911 before starting CPR.
“It was my fault we were there in the first place. I was the one who’d pushed him to go to that stupid party.”
But Carly wouldn’t let him put the blame on himself, and she shook her head. “Nobody ever made Brandon do anything he didn’t want to do. You know that.”
“But Brandon didn’t want to go. He wanted to hang out with a girl he liked in his Chem class. I was the one who convinced him because the other players were going. It was his first year on the starting lineup and I made him feel the pressure.”
“And did you force him to snort the coke that stopped his heart?”
The point-blank question took Gabe by surprise and he lifted his head, stunned at Carly’s bluntness.
“Did you? Did you give it to him? Come on. Were you doing lines with him that night?”
“No! Of course not. I didn’t even know…”
He broke off, seemed to struggle to find new words while his dark eyes plumbed hers. “You knew he’d ODed?” he whispered.
“Of course I knew. Mom and Dad didn’t keep it a secret from me.”
“No…I mean you all knew it was my fault? But you never said anything.”
“There was nothing to say. It wasn’t your fault. Brandon made his own choices. Same as you. And you did save him that night.”
Gabe rubbed a hand over his face, clearly surprised by her reaction, and Carly melted just a little. What did he think, that they would have turned their backs on him for something not of his own doing? She suddenly realized that he’d thought he’d been holding the secret. But he wasn’t. Gabe was the one left in the dark. And it had haunted him all this time.
Before she could correct him he pushed on. “That’s not the point. I may as well have put the drugs in his hands. I knew some of the guys were using. Brandon was so serious that year. I wanted him to have fun, loosen up a little…”
“We never blamed you.”
“You should have. You should hate me for it. God knows Brandon does.”
Carly moved around the counter and came to stand beside him. She couldn’t bear the thought of him carrying a misplaced burden any longer. “Brandon was twenty years old on an athletic scholarship that was taken away because of bad judgment. He was angry and he was bitter and he lashed out at you rather than take the blame himself.”
Gabe sat back, shocked. “All the things he said. He was right. I didn’t let him alone. I pushed him. I told him to lighten up.”
“The responsibility isn’t all yours, but I can see you’ve taken it upon yourself.” She put her hand on his arm, felt the strong muscles beneath her fingers. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You were always there to bail Brandon out of trouble.”
“Not that time,” Gabe said. She half expected him to pull his arm away but he didn’t, and she felt her stomach do an odd tumble as she slid her hand over his wrist and tangled her fingers with his. No one had told him, she realized. He’d blamed himself all these years because no one had told him the simple truth.
“We’ll have to disagree on that point,” she said. “Brandon was already using, Gabe. Didn’t you know?”
The words seemed to vibrate into Gabe’s consciousness. Already using? That was preposterous. He shook his head. “If he’d been using, I’d have known. God, we were just teenage boys full of hormones and thinking we were invincible. Brandon might have been more of a risk taker, that’s true, but…” He thought back to the night he’d taken Carly to the prom. He’d wanted to do far more than just kiss her. And he would have if it hadn’t been for knowing Brandon would kick his butt. “I wasn’t exactly lily-white either.”
And Brandon had been so quiet those last few months. It had worried Gabe that he’d been so withdrawn. Now he realized he’d misread completely. He’d thought Brandon was stressed out over his studies. But he’d been using. God.
“Then he lied to you. Whatever
he said to you must have been because he couldn’t face the truth. He blew it. You saved him. And in doing so you lost your scholarship. You couldn’t afford school after that, could you?”
Gabe had no words. Everything he’d been so certain of was suddenly turned upside down. All the hurtful, hateful words Brandon had hurled at him. Not just about that night, but about Carly. It was like he’d been able to look into Gabe’s mind and read his thoughts, accusing him of betrayal. Gabe wondered if he should be angry about it. If he should be mad at Brandon. But he wasn’t. In his work he’d seen addicts, and he wondered why he hadn’t recognized the signs before. Maybe because he hadn’t wanted to, not in his best friend. Now all he could feel was concern.
“Is he clean?” he finally said.
Everything had changed that night, not just for Brandon, but for Gabe too. And still he couldn’t find it within himself to hate Brandon for it. Gabe had come through it fine. He had a job he loved and a good life. In some ways, the events of that night had made Gabe’s life what it was today. They had led him to this moment, here in Carly’s kitchen, with a mug of cold coffee and a baby boy sleeping down the hall.
“Yes,” Carly said quietly, “He’s clean. He’s been clean ever since. Nearly dying scared some sense into him, I think. And some shame too. He didn’t hang around long after that. He’s out west working in the oil patch, but you probably knew that.”