Chapter Five
Carly didn’t call. Every time she put her hand on the phone, she hesitated, reminding herself that whatever issues Gabe still had to work out, she wasn’t putting herself in the middle. The very idea of Gabe thinking of her as some sort of duty or obligation made her want to curl up inside. It didn’t help that she could recall every sensation she felt when he was around. It was…carnal, she realized. It wasn’t just friendly or a simple kiss. As the days went on and she got comfortable in new routines, she had time to see things more clearly. She was sexually attracted to Gabe at a time when she looked in the mirror and didn’t feel sexy at all. Maybe if she had her old shape back. But it was more. She’d lost her confidence, too.
So she let it be. Besides, she was completely capable of taking care of herself. Everyone went through an adjustment after they had a baby. And she decided to give herself a break. The weather turned warmer and Nathan began to love being outside in the stroller, so the perennial beds were weeded and ready for a load of fresh mulch. Nathan also settled into a once-a-night feeding, and just the extra bit of sleep made it infinitely easier for Carly to cope with the demands of the day.
She didn’t need Gabe to rescue her at all. So it was very surprising that over each of the next two weeks, Gabe came to do the yard work. Rather than face another embarrassing conversation, she accepted it as his way of wanting to help and she let it go. Besides, it was one less chore for her to do and she had the pleasurable bonus of sneaking glimpses of Gabe riding the lawn tractor or the way his muscles flexed when he took a pair of long-handled clippers to her untidy shrubs. The fact that he didn’t knock on her door again didn’t escape her notice. It was almost as if he had something to prove…though she wasn’t quite sure what it was. And then she wondered what would happen if he did come to the door, and if she’d be brave enough to make a first move.
And then what?
She had too much history with Gabe. It would be more than just sex, and that terrified her. So she contented herself with thinking about him as she lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, or as she walked along the road pushing Nathan in his stroller, or even as she hung out tiny sleepers and undershirts on the clothesline. She thought about what they’d talked about that day in her kitchen. About how she’d crushed on him in high school, with the breathless excitement and angst that only a teen could possibly feel. How gallant he’d seemed t
aking her hand the night of the prom, like he’d actually wanted to do it rather than because he felt obligated to rescue his friend’s baby sister. And she thought about what she wanted now.
As much as the idea of being with Gabe still held a certain fancy, she looked around her house, looked into Nathan’s sweet little face and knew that she couldn’t put herself through the heartbreak of a failed relationship again. She knew the idea of spending the rest of her life alone sounded ludicrous, but she also couldn’t help the way she felt. Right now the thought of loving someone—of taking that risk again—was impossible. She never wanted to be that vulnerable again; never wanted to tie herself to someone for the wrong reasons. And when she looked into her son’s face, she had an even greater reason to be cautious. It wasn’t just about her anymore. Sex—even the mind-blowing sex she was sure she’d have with Gabe—wasn’t worth it.
Nathan turned a month old, his doctor’s appointment celebrating the four-week mark since the accident. The buds were beginning to swell on the lilies and the clematis was winding its way around the garden trellis. Days grew longer and Carly spent the evenings on the back deck with Nathan, or over at her parents’ house so they could play with their grandson. On the last day of school she dressed Nathan in his best outfit and went to the staff potluck. The meal was bittersweet. She missed the camaraderie of her coworkers and yet the idea of leaving Nathan with a sitter to go back to work made her heart catch.
She was driving down Main Street after lunch when she spotted Gabe along the sidewalk. She passed him and then reconsidered, pulling into a parking spot. Were they going to ignore each other now? It seemed ridiculous. She rolled down the window as he approached. “Going my way?” she called.
His head swiveled and a smile broke out on his face, warming the afternoon. “Oh, hey. Just left my truck at the garage, and thought I’d walk home.”
“All that way?” He had to live a good three miles from here, out past the Greenwich turnoff towards Port Williams.
“I don’t mind,” he answered, resting his elbows along the door frame and smiling through the open window. “It’s nice out.”
It was nice—the sun was warm but not hot, the air perfumed with the flower baskets overflowing at nearby businesses. Full summer was just around the corner and after weeks of being housebound, Carly wanted to spend an afternoon being frivolous. She’d enjoyed being out today, and she was tired of avoiding Gabe because that’s what she thought she should do. Hadn’t they been friends forever? Why should that change? She was a grown woman. She could control herself.
“You on shift later?”
He shook his head, taking a moment to peer in the back at the sleeping baby. A gentle smile softened his face and made her all marshmallowy inside. Between the weather and Nathan, it was almost as if the tension between them had never existed.
“Get in, Gabe. Let’s go do something fun. I got out of the house today and discovered I liked it.” She sent him what she hoped was a cheeky smile.
After only a brief pause he opened the door and got in. “Okay, so where are we going?”
Carly thought for a minute. “To Fox Hill. It’s on the way to your place, and I want a scoop of gelato, for starters.”
“Sounds good.”
Instead of turning on the air conditioning, they left the windows down as Carly made her way towards the turnoff. In only a few minutes they were driving into Fox Hill, a local fromagerie. When she came around the back of the car, Gabe already had the door open and the baby carrier in his hand. Nathan was still out for the count, exhausted from being passed around at the potluck. Carly had a queer feeling looking at Gabe holding her son, but only smiled. She wasn’t going to think of whys and why nots today. She just wanted to enjoy the afternoon with him. She wanted to keep it simple. She opened the door to the store and was faced with the cooler of gelato flavors. What could be more simple than this?
They both chose their flavors and Carly bought a brick of fresh havarti for her mom, knowing it was her favorite. Outside, they sat at a table in the deserted gazebo, the breeze from the sea ruffling their hair. The wind rippled through the hayfield below and Carly took a deep breath, enjoying the outdoors and the cool, creamy taste of coconut.
“Today has been a good day,” Carly announced, tilting her head back to the beam of sunlight creeping under the gazebo roof.
Gabe’s hand halted on the way to his mouth, the spoon stuck in mid-air with a bit of melting peanut butter gelato on it. The way Carly tipped her head back revealed the column of her throat and he wondered if he pressed his lips to it if he’d feel her pulse flutter. Her hair floated behind her, loose and shimmering, and he imagined wrapping his hand around the long length.
He imagined lots of things about Carly these days. It had made it hell to stay away. For the first few days he’d played it cautious. There’d been a lot to absorb after their last meeting. Understanding that the blame he’d heaped on himself for years was misplaced had taken a big shift in thinking. If he’d known back then what had really happened that night, would it have made a difference? In some things, no. He would have still gone on to be a paramedic. But he might not have isolated himself from Carly and her family quite so much. He might not have wasted so much time.
Now he had a chance and he didn’t want to ruin it. She was too important for that, too special. He was smart enough to know that she was overwhelmed right now with adjusting to parenthood. Not just being a parent, but a single parent. Now it was Carly who needed time, and he’d give it to her. He stuck the spoon in his mouth, trying to divert his thoughts.
But it was no use. It was why he’d stayed away the last few times he’d mowed her grass. He knew what he wanted. And it was too important to push. Not now.
“What are you thinking, Mr. Serious?” Carly opened her eyes. “It looks as though you’re pondering the world’s problems.”
Not the world’s, just his. He needed to take it slowly. He’d known Carly for so long that the idea of wooing her seemed funny. It also gave him a kind of strange, jumped-up feeling. Some might call it anticipation. He wanted her so much he ached. But it wasn’t a matter of slaking his thirst for her and letting go. It wasn’t anticipation. Gabe called it being scared to death of screwing up.
“Not much.”