But he couldn’t let her leave now. Not with this hanging over them. “You have to eat something, and I have a perfectly good dinner that is too big for one person.” He smiled at her.
“Just for dinner,” she said, and there was a bit of a warning in her voice. He was right. They’d moved too fast, and now it was time to take a few steps back. Get their footing again.
He popped the pasta dish in the microwave to reheat and put the salad and bread basket on the table as they waited. He turned on the dining light rather than lighting candles, poured ice water rather than popping the dealcoholized wine he’d bought. Carly clipped Nathan into his seat, fastening an activity bar across the front. A bright blue elephant seemed to hold his undivided attention.
Gabe didn’t want to do anything to add any extra pressure to Carly. But when the moments dragged on, silent except for the sound of cutlery against plates, he couldn’t stand it any longer.
“I’m sorry, Carly. What happened tonight…” He put down his fork. “It was wrong of me. I didn’t mean to push you into something you weren’t ready for.”
“Why was it wrong?” she asked carefully, also putting down her fork.
How could he explain? “Because you’re…well, you’re Carly.”
She wrinkled her brow. “And that makes me undesirable?”
“God, no.” She thought she was undesirable? Even after all they’d shared? “I’ve known you forever, you know?”
“I know.”
She stared at her plate.
“I don’t want to upset you. That’s the last thing I want. I just…dammit.” A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I should have been more careful with you.”
For long seconds they sat in silence until finally Gabe forced his shoulders to relax. “I didn’t mean to complicate things. Let’s just finish our dinner, okay?” He began to pick up his fork but Carly reached out and gripped his forearm.
“No, not okay. It’s already complicated and it’s driving me crazy. I want to know why being with me was such a big mistake. I think you owe me that, Gabriel.”
She called him Gabriel. She only did that when she was particularly scared or angry. He wasn’t quite as willing to take the blame as he’d thought. Maybe because he could still smell her on his skin. He searched for the words to explain how their joined pasts made things more difficult, that she wasn’t just some woman he could be casual with. “For God’s sake, Carly. You’re Brandon’s sister.”
“So what? You and Brandon haven’t been friends for years. You should fix that, by the way.”
“You said yourself you’re not interested in a relationship after the disaster of your marriage. You’re focused on Nathan and being a good mother and you said you weren’t interested in romance. I pushed the issue, and I understand it went too far. Let’s just take a step back, okay? Find our feet again.” If they could remain friends, get back to solid footing, perhaps all wasn’t lost. They’d leapt ahead several spaces tonight and the way she slipped from the room afterward told him it had freaked her out big time.
Carly fought to hold back the tears that were stinging the backs of her eyes. Everything he said was true. She had said all those things and she had meant them. Weeks ago. She loved Nathan more than she’d thought possible, and every decision she made from here on in was with his best interests at heart.
But she was still a woman. She still had hopes and longings and needs, and tonight Gabe had exceeded all expectations and dreams. Being with him, loving him, had been insane and wonderful. Now he was being so unbearably polite—and apologizing for something he need not apologize for. Did he really believe what he was saying? Or was it his way of letting her down easy?
She’d spent years in an awkward marriage with a man who never really loved her the way th
ey’d promised to love each other forever. She wouldn’t ever put herself in that position again. If Gabe thought they’d made a mistake, she’d gather what was left of her pride and keep on going. She was good at surviving, after all.
“Thank you for dinner,” she said, noticing her voice sounded like it belonged to someone else—higher and far too light to be attached to her current feelings. She pasted a smile on her lips and rose from the table, going to Nathan’s seat and beginning to pack up his things. “I really should be getting home so he can have his last feed and be put down in his crib for the night.”
Gabe got up from the table and she saw confusion in his eyes. She tucked a stuffed animal into the diaper bag and put it over her shoulder.
“I’ll call you,” Gabe said, coming forward. He gripped the handle of the seat and followed her to the door. She thought about insisting on taking Nathan herself but decided it was probably just as easy to make as few waves as possible.
He padded out to the car in his bare feet and fastened Nathan in the back. Carly checked the seatbelt and then straightened, keeping one hand on the door.
“Carly, are you sure we’re okay?” he asked, and she felt the words bubble up inside her. What if she let it all out? How she felt? How afraid she was? Where would her pride be then? She wouldn’t beg for his love, or hang all over him like a hopeful puppy.
He had admitted they’d made a mistake, that they’d gone too far, and that was that.
“We’re fine,” she replied. “I gotta go.”
He shut the door after she got behind the wheel, and stayed standing on the pavement as she backed out of the driveway and turned on to the road.
She was halfway home when she finally let the tears come. She’d given Gabe everything she could give tonight, and he’d handed it back to her. And the worst part of all was that she still loved him.