“And it was ten times worse.”
“Because you love me?”
She swallowed, hard. Could she say it? What was the point? This was it. Wouldn’t it be better if she kept that tiny tidbit to herself?
“Because I knew what was coming.”
He clamped his lips together. It wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear. She was glad she hadn’t confessed her feelings. It would only have given him ammunition to change her mind.
“What if I quit?”
She swiped at the moisture at her eyes and lifted her chin. “What?”
“I said, what if I quit? I have a business to keep me going. If I quit the department, what would you say then?”
Hope gave a tiny flutter. He’d do that for her? And then she remembered the day she’d given him back his ring. You’re asking me to give up my dream, he’d said, and his voice had been ripe with resentment. If he quit now, it would be because of her. It was utterly unfair, especially considering how he’d supported her following her dreams.
She shook her head. “You love it. You won’t quit.”
“Maybe I love you more, Ally.”
He was making it so difficult, but she knew she couldn’t make him give up what he loved to make her happy. “You’d be miserable and you’d resent me for it. I know you, Chris. And this is all my fault. I take full responsibility. I thought I could handle it and I was wrong. Better to end it now before it really gets started.”
“Before it really gets started?” Incredulity was painted on every word. He sat up straighter in the bed. “Shit, Ally. After yesterday, how can you say that? If that wasn’t getting started…it’s way too late for that now. Well, maybe you’re right. Maybe it is better this way. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”
He was hurt, and she knew it, which was the only reason why she didn’t reply with sharp words of her own.
He sat back against the pillows. “I would have supported you in whatever you wanted to do. I would have done anything to make it happen. Even if it meant waiting for you. Do you get that? But you’re not willing to give me that same support, and I can’t accept anything less. I need a partner, Ally. Someone by my side.”
He turned his head away.
She was sure it wasn’t possible to feel any lower than she already did. She wanted to promise him all the things he wanted but she couldn’t, not with a clean conscience. She couldn’t say it just because it was what he wanted to hear. There was a difference between the truth and what she wanted to be the truth. And she didn’t like what the truth was saying about her.
“I’m sorry, Chris.”
“Not as sorry as I am.”
It was salt in the wound, but what could she expect?
“I’ll look after Moose until you get home.”
He didn’t answer.
“Chris…” But she couldn’t think of anything else to say. She got up and went to the door. She was nearly out when his voice stopped her.
“Ally.”
She stopped but couldn’t make herself turn around. She didn’t want him to see her with tears in her eyes.
“What you felt last night…it’s just about what I felt the day of the shelter fire, when I stepped in that room and saw you. I was terrified something was going to happen to you. You of all people know that tragedy can strike at any time, no matter what your job. It can’t stop us from living in the time we have.”
But it didn’t mean a person had to tempt fate either.
Before she could change her mind, Ally walked the rest of the way out the door.
Would this day never end?
Ally was this close to falling apart when she arrived home. All she wanted was a hot bath and some fuzzy pyjamas and a chance to forget the last twenty-four hours.