Defend

“Jamie!” She hurries over as much as she can while still looking as prim and proper as possible. “I’m so glad I found you. These campus maps are worthless.”

“Why are you here?”

Mother frowns. “That is no way to greet your mother.” She leans in to kiss my cheek. “I have news that might be difficult for you to hear, so I thought it was necessary to tell you in person. Do you have time for us to go somewhere and talk?”

“Has something happened? Is everyone okay?”

She gently grabs my elbow and leads me back across the courtyard. “Everyone’s fine. Let’s go somewhere to talk.”

I yank my arm from her. “I have a class to get to. We don’t have time to go anywhere. What is it?” She’s scaring me a little, despite her claim that everyone is fine. It’ll be better if she simply spits it out. “Just tell me!” I snap when she hesitates.

“Michelle is pregnant. She’s due in September.”

I blink. This day was bound to come and I’m not prepared for it. I was so sure it wouldn’t bother me because my life was set and it almost felt like a relief because I was pretty positive I didn’t want kids anyway. I am certain I don’t want kids. So why do I feel like I’ve been sucker punched?

Mother grabs my hands. “Jamie, are you okay?”

“I’m happy for her.”

“Well, of course you are, but I’m asking how you feel about you.”

If there’s one thing I can say about my parents, it’s that they’ve been good in this area. They might flip flop in other areas of my life, but when it comes with the fact that I can’t have kids, they’ve mostly been solid.

Clearing my throat, I focus on her. “I’m fine, Mother. I’m glad you came to tell me, but I’m fine. I’m happy for Michelle and I’m fine.”

Mother frowns. “You just said you were fine three times.”

“I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m perfect. I never wanted kids anyway and there’s no reason why I would be upset over learning my sister is having a baby.” It does bother me that she thought she had to deliver this news in person. She drove two hours for a ten-minute conversation.

“You still don’t want kids? There’s adoption and surrogacy, Jamie.”

And that’s why she drove two hours. While I’ve been good with never having kids, heaven forbid my mother not get grandchildren from both of her daughters.

“Do you know what I want? To survive college. That’s my focus right now. Thanks for coming to tell me, but you can go now. I have to get to class.” I turn on my heels to walk away from her, even though it means I’ll walk the long way to my next class and will likely be late.

So, technically, I could have kids if I wanted, even my own kids. I’d just have to go through a surrogate to have them, or I could adopt. But even as a little girl, I never dreamed of being a mother. A husband and some mysterious job were always present, but never kids. It’s one reason the news didn’t hit me as hard as it could have, though it definitely did a number on me.

What I never considered is how it would affect me if my sister got pregnant. It’s as if I’m that young teenager, hearing the news all over again and not quite sure if I should be okay with being fine or not. As if I’m trying to grasp my reality and what it means. It’s ridiculous because my sister’s pregnancy has nothing to do with me.

Yet I numbly autopilot my way through the day, through my class and through my shift at work. Mother texts me on and off, worried I’m not okay, which only annoys me. Her asking doesn’t make me feel like I’m okay. As I’m leaving work and walking to my car, I once again find a reason to stop in my tracks.

“What are you doing here?” I ask Brent.

He leans against the hood of

my car and shakes his head at me. “You are not observant at all.” That’s true. I had my head down and only lifted it when I was five feet from my car. “I could be a psycho waiting to kill you.”

“Why are you obsessed with safety? It’s annoying.” I walk past him and to the driver’s side of my car.

“My daughter was stalked earlier this year,” at this, I turn to face him, “and he took her for a short time and tried to take her again shortly after that. I worry about five times as much since that happened.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Worry and lecture away.”

“Are you okay, Jamie?” He walks over to lean his hip against my door, effectively preventing me from getting away. “I come to surprise you and you don’t seem all that happy to see me.”

“I’m sorry; it’s been a weird day. I’m surprised you aren’t in bed already,” I tease to lighten the mood.

“Ha-ha.” He laughs. “I’m in the mood for ice cream, so I thought I’d pick you up and make you share some with me.”