“Pops, Momdied after he took my captaincy. The very next day. Not eighteen hours after I told her.” Tears brim in my eyes and fall over. “If he hadn’t taken it or if I had waited to tell her, she wouldn’t have known. I didn’t even get to tell her I loved her.” All the conflicting emotions I’ve felt about my mother’s death are surfacing, forcing me to deal with it. “Momma died knowing I failed. She expected great things from me, you know that, and I didn’t succeed. All I wanted to do was get under his skin, but I fell in love with her.”
Dad looks as if he’s trying to compose himself as he speaks. “Son, your mother was going to pass anyway. She was sick. Don’t for a second think you were ever a failure in her eyes. Levi, you were her pride and joy. She loved you more than anything this world could offer her. Your mother never expected you to be perfect. All Amanda wanted was for you to do what you loved and to be happy. That’s all we both wanted. She was proud all the way to her last breath and she knew you loved her. You didn’t have to tell her. She knew, son.”
“But-”
“But nothing, Levi. Amanda would have a fit if she could see how you felt and what this has been doing to you. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“I didn’t want to disappoint you either, Pops. I’m all you have left and look at what a fool I am.”
“You aren’t a fool. A dummy, maybe.” He tries to smirk, but it falls flat. “Son, you haven’t disappointed me. Struggling with this by yourself wasn’t the way to deal with it and focusing that negativity on people who had nothing to do with it wasn’t the way either.”
“I know.”
“Does Presley know about this?”
I shake my head and say, “She won’t talk to me.”
“Try harder.”
Those two words resound in my head over and over when I leave my father’s to head back home. Not that I expected any different, but when I call Presley, she doesn’t answer. I leave a brief message, asking to speak with her. Maybe the only way to get to Presley is with the same person that led me to her.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Carr?” McCarthy spits at me.
I hold my hands up in surrender because that's precisely what I'm doing. I'm waving the white flag with such desperation, I probably won't be able to handle the rejection that will surely come. But I rather be rejected than wait the rest of my life knowing I didn’t try hard enough. I’m standing by his car and have been waiting for his practice to get over.
“I need to talk to Presley,” my voice reeks of yearning. He rolls his eyes, and I want to punch him. I fucked up. I get that, but could he at least cut me enough slack so I can get through this? “She won't talk to me and -”
“You think? You're worse than I even thought possible.”
“I know that,” I grit. I can't let him get under my skin. With a deep breath, I try again. “I love her, Trevor. Didn't you notice the longer I saw her, the less of a jerk I was to you? That's because I was learning to love her and when I went out of my way to piss you off, I hurt her. So I stopped. Will you give me a chance to tell you how this mess started? My side of things?”
He eyes me carefully before nodding. I follow him back inside, out of the winter air, and he leads us to an office. He sits on one side of the desk, and I take a seat across from him to begin.
“First of all, I'm sorry for how I treated you all these years. It wasn't right, I know that. It started because my mom was dying and the day I lost my captaincy, I went home to talk to her about it. We were close and I'm my momma's boy.” I tell him about that day. How I wasn't the sweetest to her and didn't get to tell her I loved her before she fell asleep. I told him about her faith in me. “When I woke up the next morning, she was dead. My mom was the single most important person in my life. I lost her the day after my captaincy was given to you. Trevor, I shouldn't have blamed you, I know that. Pretty sure I knew it all along, but condemning you was so much easier than me facing things.
“Between regret, anger, and hate for myself, I had to direct it somewhere else and you were my target. In the beginning, seeing Presley was strictly a means to get back to you. My intentions were downright shameful. The more I saw your sister and got to know her, the less I cared about that. All I wanted was for Presley to be happy, to spoil her with strawberry milkshakes, and let her know someone wanted her because of who she is as a woman, a person, and a human being. Especially after I met your father.” I shake my head at the thought of him.
“Can't blame you there,” Trevor inserts.
“Anyway, I've been guilt-ridden ever since I realized that I wanted her. I didn't want her to hurt because I'm a bastard and I wanted to be better for her. There have been a lot of sleepless nights with me trying to figure out how to make things right with her without ruining everything. Then Nichols had to go and fuck everything up for me.” I sigh.
“I don't want to convince her to take me back. She probably doesn't want that at all and that's okay. Trevor, I really need a chance to tell her what I've just told you. You're the only one who can help me with that.”
Before I met Presley, I would have laughed at the mere thought of telling Trevor something like that. I wait as he contemplates his decision and it's not until he gives me a slight nod I realize I was barely breathing for fear he wouldn't help me.
“The moment she says leave, you leave.”
“Understood.”
I follow him to her place. As we’re walking up the stairs, he shakes his head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he mumbles. I’m not about to open my mouth, say the wrong thing, and ruin my chance. He opens her door and says, “Pres, it’s me.”
She’s sitting on her couch, facing away from us, watching Wheel of Fortune of all things. Presley glances over her shoulder and stands abruptly when she sees me, something that looks a lot like hate in those light brown eyes I love so much.
“What the hell is he doing here, Trevor?”
McCarthy walks over to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. “Let him tell you what he just told me.”
“I don’t care what he has to say! You’re supposed to hate him, for God’s sake!”