Tainted (Oh Captain, My Captain 7)

I slide down the brick wall and sit in the freezing snow. My pants are wet and I can see my own breath.

Regret.

I regret ever leaving him. I regret that I listened to my mom. I regret that I didn’t tell him I loved him, too. I regret it all.

Then it hits me like a Mack truck. I love Valo. I’m in love with him. I don’t want anyone else, but him.

I drop my head into my hands, and it happens. The burning of the tears begin to streak my cheeks. I cry because I don’t have a family. I cry because I’m alone. I cry because I want Valo and I love him. I cry because I’m a fucking fool.

My throat hurts, my nose is running, and tears aren’t stopping. I keep sobbing and I’m shaking from my emotions and the coldness surrounding me.

Big Mike said no one takes care of themselves all the time, and he’s right. I had Valo and together, we took care of each other.

I need Valo. I need to be safe again. I need to tell him the truth.

I leap to my feet. I can’t take a bus because it’s too late, but I’m able to flag down a taxi. I don’t care how much it costs me. I rush out Valo’s address and the cab takes off. I debate whether to text him, but my hands are shaking. I’m still crying, and I’m harshly swiping them away, but they keep coming faster and faster.

It’s an eternity before I’m standing outside of Valo’s door. I pound on it and Gus answers with wide eyes.

“You look like shit.”

“Valo,” I choke out the name of the person I need the most.

Gus gives me a sad smile and nods. “He’s in his room,” he says before stepping out of my way as I run up the stairs.

I don’t bother to knock, but I open the door to see Valo sitting on the edge of his bed. When he looks up, his blue eyes look shocked. I open my mouth to tell him everything, but not a single sound comes out.

“Jade.” My name comes out in his thick Finnish accent, and it’s all I need to hear as I fall to my knees in a sobbing heap.

Chapter Twenty

Valo

Worry and fear consumes me as Jade crumbles to the floor, crying hysterically. She looks terrible, cold, and wet in her tight clothing. Did she go through with it, even though she didn’t have to? I rush to her, wrapping her in my arms, needing to comfort her. Jade fists my shirt in her hands, clinging to me.

“It’s okay,” I whisper, even though I don’t know that it is. “You’re here with me. Calm down, Jade. You’ll be okay.” I hold her tightly to my chest, rubbing her back, and whispering soothing words in Finnish because I know she likes to hear me speak my native language. Once she’s calmed down a bit, she glances up at me. My thumbs wipe under her eyes, smearing her mascara more. My chest is constricted with the unknown information. “What happened?” I ask softly. “You are okay, right? You’re not hurt?” I sweep my eyes over her to check for obvious injuries and realize she must be cold.

“I’m not hurt,” she replies.

Thank God. “C’mon. I want you to change into dry clothes first.” We stand and I lead her to the bed, where she sits. I go to my dresser and pull out some of my pajamas for her to wear. When I face her, her lips are parted like she wants to speak and she’s watching me carefully, tears brimming her eyes, ready to fall. “Here,” I whisper, handing her the clothes.

“Valo,” she starts.

“Change first, Jade.” My words are a simple demand.

Jade nods and disappears into the bathroom. The moment she closes the door, I feel like the air has been knocked out of me. There’s so much running through my head, I don’t know where to start. Before Jade walked in, I was sitting here, wondering what she was doing, where she was, and then she was here.

When Jade walks out of the bathroom and takes a seat next to me on the bed, she seems nervous. I don’t like her being nervous with me. Plus, it gives me a bad feeling about whatever happened with her tonight.

“Talk to me, Jade,” I finally say.

“I want to tell you everything, but please listen to me and then you can tell me to stay or leave, okay? Please, Valo.”

I nod. “I’m listening.”

“I have been on my own all of my life. Now, I know that sounds like a lie, but it’s not. I don’t ever remember having a real mom around. My first memories of Mom are her shooting up drugs and fucking men in the apartment. I can remember throwing water on her face, trying to wake her up when she had taken too many drugs. She never cared about me, but she’s my mom, and deep down, I always hoped she’d change.” Jade seems so lost in her story already. She takes a small breath, and I take her hand before she continues.

“I was five when child protective services came and took me away the first time. Mom hadn’t been home in three days. Someone had called them because I was on the street, begging for food. I didn’t understand what was happening and I kept screaming for them to put me down, but they didn’t. They put me in the back of a car and drove me to the other side of town.