My mouth drops and before Luca can say ‘no’, I jump in. “Of course, I’ll talk to you soon.”
Once the limo is out of sight, I look up to Luca. “I have cash. I can call a cab.”
“No, I’ll take you. I was going to come by tomorrow anyway to grab more ties.”
“Fine.” I cross my arms and see Luca looking down at my belly.
I’m not that big, but I have a small bump that is noticeable. When Luca’s SUV pulls up, I quickly hop in, not waiting for anyone to open the door for me. We don’t speak on the way home. I don’t have anything to say. That’s not true, but I’m not going to say it in the car. I lay my head back and listen to the radio as he drives us home.
“The ties are still where you left them when you walked out,” I tell him as we walk into the house.
“Okay. I’ll be quick then.”
He runs up the stairs. I walk into the kitchen. I would kill for a glass of wine, but I know better and opt for a bottle of water. Luca comes back down and stops when he sees me leaning against the counter.
“Are you going to say anything about the picture I sent?” I look up at him. He doesn’t have a readable expression. “Don’t say you didn’t get because if Mama and Papa can work their phones to get it, then you got it.”
“I got it. You don’t need to send those things to me.”
“Oh, that’s right.” I push my hip off the counter and take a step toward him. “Because you don’t want anything to do with me or our child. You just want to go off and play with your bunnies and pretend that you don’t have any responsibilities.” I can feel the rage building again.
“I’m not with anyone else! Stop saying that, Hadley. I made a choice, just like you did. I’m not pissed at you for it!” Luca’s voice echoes against the walls as he yells at me. We have fought more about this baby than in our entire ten years together.
“Well, I’m pregnant and I’m emotional so shut up. You don’t know what I’m going through here.” The tears are threatening to fall again from my eyes. “I’m alone except for the hourly phone calls from Mama. You seem to forget that I don’t have any family, Luca. I’m pretty sure you were there when my mother died. You have people who love you and care about you, plus friends and the team. I have our baby, that’s it.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do, except for the one thing I can’t do and I don’t even know how I could want that. I’ve tried picturing it, Hadley, and I see nothing. I can’t picture it.”
“Give me one reason.” I lower my voice a little bit, hoping that he understands that I’m here for him. “Tell me the real reason why you don’t want this baby, Luca. Don’t close yourself off, don’t be a jerk, just tell me. Tell me why you don’t want our baby.”
Luca closes his eyes and squeezes them tightly. I can see the pain on his face. I know he’s hurting, too. “It’s not a good idea. I can’t be responsible for someone else, for someone who relies on me, who depends on me. I don’t want that. I don’t want something happen and it be my fault. I can’t do that again.”
How can he think that? Doesn’t he realize who he is?
“Luca.” I boldly walk up to him and take his face in my hands. His beard is soft and out of control because he doesn’t keep it trimmed up for the playoffs. Damn hockey players and their superstitions. “Valeria wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. No one blames you for her death. No one. I know you hold that burden, but it wasn’t your fault. You say that you can’t have someone depend on you, but I do. I depend on you all the time. You have been there for me so many times. And what about the team? Every one of those guys needs you and looks up to you. Why can’t you see this? Why can’t you see how amazing you are and what a great father you will be?”
“It’s different.” He tilts his head to the right, leaning into my hands. “Those are all adults, not a kid. I’ve told you what happened. How is it not my fault?”
Oh, my Luca. My tough hockey captain who still is a broken boy on the inside.
“You didn’t force the ice to break. It happened. It was accident. You were a kid, Luca. You’ve grown up so much since then. I know you’ll carry it forever, but you can learn from it. Don’t let it hold you back. Would your sister want you not to know your child because of her death? Do you really believe that?”
Please believe that. Please hear what I’m saying.
“I can’t do this. I can’t talk about her today. I should go.”
Luca walks out on me, again.
Chapter Twelve
Luca
We’re in Liberty, Maine today for a game against the Eagles. Word is that Valo Manner, their captain, and one of their rookies are a force to be reckoned with. We’ll see for ourselves soon enough. My mind is on hockey as I tape my stick. A few of the guys are joking around, but I’m not sure what about. I don’t usually do a lot of talking on game days anyway, so they don’t make any efforts to include me. My last conversation with Hadley passes through my mind.
As soon as it enters, I push it back out. I don’t need to think about her, the baby, or Valeria. I have a game to play. Coach gets our attention, and we begin to trickle back to our seats at our lockers. He starts talking about strategies and things we need to watch for with the Eagles.
However, the moment I step on the ice, it’s like my brain betrays me. I win the initial face-off and wonder if the baby will grow up to like hockey. Will Hadley want him or her to play like me? A guy is hot on my feet, so I flick the puck to an open teammate as we approach the boards. He hip-checks me and I snap out of it. It’s useless though. After my first shift, I can’t ever fully regain my focus.
The fans here are crazy. They chirp us more than the players, yelling out their insults the entire time. Sometimes, it’s easy to tune them out, but not tonight. I hear every shout to our goalie, every bang against the glass as we pass it. We win 5-3, with no help from me. I only won about half of my face-offs and had way t