“That’s fantastic, Hadley. I’m really proud of you for being nominated again and for doing what you do best. You’ll win, I’m sure.”
I try to shrug it off like I don’t care about it. “I have no idea if I will win this year. There are a lot of good people in that category. Anyway, I might not go. I’ll be a lot bigger in a month and I’m sure I won’t be able to find anything to wear.”
“The Awards are huge, Hadley. You have to go. It’ll be hard to accept it if you’re at home instead. You need to go. Go shopping, find something, and take Amy with you.”
“Speaking of shopping,” I need to change the subject so that I don’t cry and break down right in front of him. “We need to discuss taking me off the checking account and I need help trading in my car. I need something bigger because a car seat won’t fit well in the back. I can’t trade it in since you’re on the title. I know how much of the checking account is mine. I can send it over to the lawyers if you want?”
“We can keep your name on it. If you want, I’ll get a separate one for myself, but if we keep the one we already have, it’ll be easier to put money into it for you. As for the car, can it wait until the season is over?”
“The car can wait until later. I wanted to bring it up since I don’t know when we’ll talk again. I prefer not to be on the checking account, but I owe you some money. I went a bit crazy on the maternity clothes and baby furniture. I blame that on my hormones.” I had been overcome by all the stuff I was look
ing at, I kept adding to my shopping cart until it was damn near full.
Luca shakes his head and I think I see a small smile on his face. “I saw the statements, but you don’t owe me anything. I already told you that I’d give you money and don’t even say you don’t want it or that it’s not what it’s about. You have no reason not to take it for the baby.”
I open my mouth to yell at him, to make him see that he wants this baby, too. I stop myself and shove fries in my mouth instead. “Well, that only leaves the house then. Do you want me to buy you out, or do you want to sell it? I’d like to know before I begin redecorating.”
“It’s yours if you want it. What else are you redecorating?” I can hear a touch of worry in his voice. He must be thinking that I’m pushing him away. I know he loves me, but I can still push his buttons a bit. I shouldn’t do it. It’s only going to hurt me in the end too.
“The bedroom. There’s a lot of reminders in there and I can’t…” The tears are building up more and I push my fries away.
“Might as well buy you a new house,” he mumbles. “What are you going to do to my workout room?”
“Luca, don’t pretend to me.” There it is. There’s the rage that’s been hiding behind the hurt. “I know that you’re not coming back. I know you well enough that you’re staying in that hotel room until you can find a place of your own,” I snap at him. “I won’t throw anything of yours away. When you’re ready for it, then it’ll be there at the house. I just...I hate that everywhere I turn, you’re there. It doesn’t matter if it’s a picture or a memory. It’s in every corner of that house. I love it and I hate it at the same time.” I can’t fight the tears anymore and harshly wipe them from my cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I just,” Luca stops for a moment. Damn, I wish I knew what he was thinking. “I guess it just really hit me; I’m leaving and not just staying at a hotel like I’m away for a game.”
Finally, he tells me his feelings. He’s starting to open up. I send a quick thank you to the Hockey Gods. Then it hits me. A game? He thinks he’s at a game?
“But you're not, Luca. This is our life. I’m not getting rid of our baby. I’m not. And you’re too much of a stubborn Russian to realize that all I want is you and us to be a family. But you don’t want that. No matter how much I want it.” I need to stop being nice to him. If he wants the truth, he’s going to get it.
“Do you want to know why I was awake when you texted me?” Luca’s tone is serious and calm again. “I couldn’t sleep because I was dreaming of Valeria and how I failed her. I want you to have the baby, Hadley. I just don’t want to be a part of it. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if something happened to your baby under my watch. I know you want it, and I wish I could give it to you, but I don’t see it happening. Even if Valeria wasn’t part of it, I’ve never pictured myself as a father.”
“Oh, Luca.” My heart breaks a little bit more hearing his words. I know how much his little sister meant to him, and I can remember him having the nightmares. He hasn’t had them in a long while.
“Why didn’t you tell me that the nightmares came back? I would have helped you.” I take his hand. “I want this baby and you. I know that makes me selfish, but Luca, you know there’s no one else in this world I want but you. Our baby will be fine if you watch it. Valeria died in a freak accident and it wasn’t because of you. You are the most caring, loving, hardheaded person I know. You are always trying to protect me, even when you don’t even realize it. You are so strong, Luca. That’s why I need you, because...because I’m not strong like you and I don’t know if I can do this without you.” The tears roll faster down my face.
“You are strong. Just like your mother was when she raised you.” He looks into my eyes. He always hates it when I cry, but I can’t help it now. Luca’s face grows serious. “You would trust me with the baby?”
“Of course I would, Luca.” How could he even think that I wouldn’t? “I trust you even at this very moment. I know you would protect me from any harm. I know that when this baby comes, you’ll do the same. I told you, Luca, you’re a good person. A loving person. That’s who you are. I’ve never doubted that for a single second.”
Luca pulls his hand away from mine and I feel empty without his touch. “I don’t know, Hadley. I don’t know if I trust myself as much as you do.” I can feel him closing himself off again.
“You do know. You just don’t see it yet because you’re hardheaded.”
We don’t break our eye connection and I know that he’s done talking. As much as I want to nag him until he talks some more, I don’t do it. I let it go.
“I’m done, if you’re ready to take me home,” I tell him. I try to pay for what I ate, but Luca cuts me a mean look. I put my wallet away.
We don’t talk in the SUV as he takes me back home. He continues to listen to a popular Russian band, whose name I can’t pronounce. The music is soulful and it almost sounds like she’s in pain. For the few phrases that I pick up on, she’s lost her love. My heart breaks as I look over to Luca. He looks so sad. Normally, he would have a serious face, but never sad. I hate that look on him.
When he pulls into the driveway, we’re right back to where it started this evening. We’re still not together. He still doesn’t want to be a dad and I won’t get rid of the baby.
“Is that really dark gray suit in the closet?”
I nod. “Near the back, why?”
“I have an interview tomorrow and I want to wear it. Do you mind if I come in and get it?”